Because I can

Yes, I know it’s 4 in the morning and I have to be up for work in a few hours, but I just cannot sleep. Why? Because that’s how I am. Sometimes I’m not tired. Like now since I just got home from a 9 hour shift. I know I’ll be dead tomorrow for both jobs but I cannot sleep yet. Does that happen to you? Do you feel as if you’re ready to keep going for hours, yet you know you cannot that you need to crash right now or the world will be rather silly for your next conquest?

What are you like when you do not get enough sleep? The world becomes the silliest, and most impossibly unreal real place that I find. Everything becomes amusing to me. I’m that child that just starts to laugh for no reason, yet I’m not a child. Oh to have those days again. The days of little worries, being able to worry about which video game to play, or do I really have to do my homework instead of getting one more hour outside.  Wait! I do still do that. But it’s more of do I have time to fit some gaming into my day or can I go for a jog this morning, well really afternoon for me. Even naps! Oh how I love to still fit in naps, yet something rather silly called reality and life get in the way and try to reroute me when I set those goals.

I have noticed something though. Sleep sometimes effects my mood. If I don’t get enough or get too much I can become rather more depressed than usual. But also, sometimes when it puts me into a giddy mood everything seems great, but alas that does have a backlash as well. That being that the following day, I’m in a dark spot.

Well with that bombshell, perchance I’ll be able to sleep for a bit, being that in 4 hours I need to be up and getting ready for work.

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Songs and Lyrics

Have you ever just listened to a song and went “Wow! That so describes how I feel.” I do that a lot. There are just some that stick with me no matter what. I remember when I first started therapy was when Social Distortion had just released their “Sex, Love, and Rock and Roll” album.  It was the first time that I felt as if someone was reading my mind and knew exactly what I was feeling despite not knowing what I was feeling myself. I do have a problem understanding and recognizing feelings and emotions at times. It’s part of my depression, relating to emotions and sometimes just life itself. There are times where I do feel as if I’m an observer and not a participator, but that’s for another time as once again I’m getting off track of where I was.

Ok, Social Distortion, that’s where I was. That album was a sort of turning point in my first therapy time. At that time I was emotionally dead. Nothing was getting through to me. And when I say nothing, I really and truly mean it. There was a reason I was in therapy, Things had hit one of the lowest points for me, but again, that’s for when we know each other better. Anywho, there was a song that hit me the most and gave me hope. The song is Angel’s Wings.  I’ll put the lyrics at the end of this post, maybe they’ll mean something for you too.

To me, this song hit me as being what I couldn’t describe how I felt. How I felt that I was against the world and continually being knocked down, that life wasn’t worth it, but that it’s ok to cry. Let it out. You’re allowed. That when you do cry and let those tears go, fight back and show that you’re ok, that you’re stronger than you thought, that you’re stronger than they all said you were. Conquer the evils, whether they be your own self, or others that put you down. You can do it. There is an angel there for you, to pick you up, and it’s probably the person you least thought it would be. You.

“Angel’s Wings”

You say you’re down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
you say you’re really down and out
and you feel like there’s no way out now
let go now let go of your tears some more

How many times have you asked yourself
is this the hand of fate that I’ve been dealt?
you’re so disillusioned this can’t be real
and you can’t stand now the way you feel

I don’t care about what they say
I won’t live or die that way
tired of figuring out things on my own
angel’s wings wont you carry me home

[Chorus:]
And when you’re down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
and when you’re really down and out
and you feel like there’s no way out now
let go now let go of your tears some more

[Repeat Chorus]

I triumphed in the face of adversity
and I became the man I never thought I’d be
and now my biggest challenge, a thing called love
I guess I’m not as tough as I thought I was

I don’t care about what they say
I’m gonna marry you some day
go ahead and wake up, its a brand new day
Angel’s wings gonna carry you away
Angel’s wings are going to carry me away
Angel’s wings are going to carry us away

Walls

I’ve noticed recently that I put up a lot of walls.  Walls to keep people out and to keep myself in control. Why the control? I’m not sure. I feel as if I show an ounce of weakness that it’s all that is needed for people to rip me apart. I’ve been hurt a lot in my life, and I don’t know how much more I can take. There have been times in my life that when my walls have been down, that it only takes 30 seconds to shatter your heart. Honestly, 30 seconds every few days, or even once a week, is enough to break and shatter a person so that it is near impossible to be put back together. Humpty Dumpty. That’s how I feel at times, that I’m Humpty Dumpty sitting on that wall, and as soon as it disappears, that’s it, it’s all over. I’ve fallen and cannot be put back together again. What is it like to try and put a person back together? Is it even possible?