Work in Progress

Life is a work in progress. My life is a work in progress. It really is, and it’s only taken me these past almost 30 years to figure that out. Though to be honest, I haven’t worried about it as a child, just more of when the “Incident/Event” happened.  I never worried about how I was feeling before, or what I was doing, or how I would make things better. I had a happy-ish, carefree attitude and personality.  It’s just how I was, and how I would like to be again.

When I was raped, I lost all sense of who I was. I didn’t know up from down. I was in this world I had created that I felt was a bubble to protect me. Being raped took away who I was.  I no longer trusted anyone. I felt worthless, alone, unwanted, unloved, unneeded, trash.  So why not protect myself and put myself away from everyone else so that I wouldn’t feel this.  Protect myself from the world and the horrors it has thrown at me. So why not cut myself off from everything and turn into myself and resort to the world of depression, self mutilation, and suicide that I did. After all, it was not as if anyone cared, how could they I thought anyways. I viewed myself as worthless and unwanted, unable to be loved, unable for anyone to care about me after what had happened. I even had someone tell me it was my fault, that I was asking for it to happen. So why not? I was no longer anyone, I was nothing, and treated myself that way.

Something happened though. I started to see a way out. It started after my first round of therapy and medications. I started to feel a bit better. I fell in love, was engaged to be married, and then it all fell away from me. He was a liar, mentally and verbally abusive.  He put on a front that took me 4 years to see through. I thought it was ok to love, and give my heart away again. It wasn’t. Far from it.  So while I didn’t fall into the hole that I was in before, I fell a bit, and it was a slow decline into depression, but I got there eventually again.  (Let me clarify, I do have depression to start with, the kind where there is a chemical imbalance in my make up, so there is always a need for medication.) This was seemed to be there for the long run. It was not going to leave, and was still there when I met the JERK.

The JERK was a pretender as well ( I seem to have a great talent for attracting these types). He started off as the opposite of the ex, and then it happened. He took on the same persona as him. I never should have opened up and shared my past and trusted him to accept. After that it was all down hill. I’ve gone into details before andveould rather not dwell on it again, but I’ll just say he said I deserved the rape. After that things escalated and I still am lugging that baggage of him around.

It was after this that I’ve really started to look at me. Who I use to be, how I acted, how I thought, even how I looked, and decided that’s where I want to be again. I don’t know if I will ever be there again, but guess what? I’m working on it, and according to a friend, I’m getting there. I’m seeking help to put the past wherein it belongs, treating the PTSD, changing environments. My friend told me that he can see it’s helping. How? He told me I’m more of my silly self I use to be. It is a start.

I will always be working on trying to overcome my past, but that past will help me become stronger. It has shown me the depths of vile and cruelty that the world has to offer, and whilst I have not usually, if rarely, ever chosen the easy ways, I’ve survived. I am still here. I’m working on reaching goals, of becoming who I was. Who knows, maybe I will reach it, but until then, I am my own work in progress and for now, I’m content with that.

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Eureeka!

I know.

I know.

So thoughts hit me today. Not huge ones, but a few little ones. I know, I know, me thinking, it’s a miracle, and for them to be not so depressive, even more of one. Sometimes, it happens.

So I went to the movies yesterday. I was being sociable. (I know another shocker.) It was some kids and some other people around my age. I noticed that I was able to have a conversation that went on all night, even giggling at parts in the movie,  or commenting on parts we liked (Hello, DB5 ❤ ).  I mean actual long conversations with out any awkward parts. I am capable of this. Of course, to those that were not involved and only catching parts would have been lost. We went from discussing Star Wars, to Tolkien, then the different James Bonds that we liked and didn’t like, to Princess Bride, and then MMOS. Unless you knew and could keep up, it probably sounded odd. Ok, I am odd and a geek, but it’s me. The point is, that I had a normal conversation with two guys. And it was ok.

I also noticed, that I was able to have these conversations with the JERK hanging around. Yes, unfortunately he was there, and was not making things easy. Why you ask? That I’m not really sure, but maybe he was jealous, or maybe that’s just his nature. I was being kind (for as cynical as I view the world, I was taught to be nice and include others, also I have being excluded, so it goes against my nature to do the same) and tried to include him in our conversations.  I asked him about star wars and if he liked the movies. Big mistake. He put the movies down and then said he didn’t need them because he lived through a war. Ok, yes, we all get it, you’re originally from a war torn country, but enough already, not all conversations need to be around you. In fact, stop it. It’s like all children are taught, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. The nice thing, one of my friends put him down, and into his place. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. It was nice.

One other thing I noticed, I could enjoy myself a little, and not feel bad about it. I was able to interact with people. I was able to try and be nice to the JERK, and I was able to feel good.  I was trying to be normal. Ok, not normal normal, but Lindsay normal. That’s a bit thing. I haven’t been me normal in the longest time. I want to be that again. I really do. I know it’s a work in progress, heck, I AM a work in progress. I’ll never be done, but I’m getting there. Well getting to a point where I might be happy with myself. A rare feat, but one I’m aiming for. A miracle I tell you. A miracle!

So here it is again.

It really is the little things that make me happy. Yes, I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s true. I love Christmas day because I can watch Ralphie all day long. And while I’m doing that, I can also watch the Indiana Jones Marathon! All of them on all day! Well, there are mixing in another movie in between the end of the 4th and the start of the 1st, but it’s ok, I’ll forgive them, because it is GI JOE, (the real American hero) and so it makes me happy.

Also today I’m going to go to the theater with a few people my age, and a bunch of younger kids. It should be fun. Of course, I wanted to see Monster Inc in 3D, but I was out voted, we’re going to see Skyfall.

On New Years, it gets even better. SPIKE will be doing their usual marathons. 1000 ways to die (stupidity is your own worse enemy I say), and Star Wars. Yes, you know I own all the Star Wars Movies, but something about sitting down for the holiday weekend and watching them all just makes everything better. Now if I could just find Princess Bride, everything would be perfect. I also will do my usual tradition for New Years and head out to bowl for a few hours. I’m absolutely horrible, but I always have fun.

Ok, I’m rabling again. But I shall leave you with one thing that left me giggling and smiling, and of course singing. After all, I so agree with it:

apple-bottom-jeans

people person

Wouldn’t it be loverly?

So the news is full of #26ActsofKindness and 26 Acts of Kindness lately. I find this very sweet, but I see a drawback and it scares me. I love the idea that people are doing good things randomly for people. Leaving money for gas, buying food for a child,  visiting the firemen, leaving a flower, giving your umbrella to a mother, and such other things. How long will this last though?

I have decided to join in on this random acts of kindness, but I’m adding a twist. I’m just not going to stop at 26 acts for the 26 that died in Newtown. I feel that this is something that should be done all the time. I’ve always opened doors for others, let others go in front of me, given my food to someone that was hungrier, given flowers to someone that seems sad. It is just how I was raised. Isn’t that what the Golden Rule is all about anyways? Treat others how you want to be treated. So why not? I would love it if people spontaneously gave me stuff or helped me out, but unless you start and set the precedent,  who would follow?

So once a week at least, (I’m limited on funds and times, but it’s my goal) I will try to bring cheer to others.  Why?  It helps me feel better. Doing good to others makes yourself feel good. I use to volunteer at an animal shelter, and no matter how horrid I felt going in there, I was always smiling and feeling better when I left. If that’s how animals made me feel, imagine how it would feel with people.

You can join in if you want. You can dedicate your acts to the victims, but as for me, I plan on this being for everyone. I hope. But once a week to add cheer to some people, I just want to see a little more color in the world and make things a little brighter for all.

 

Cheers Lovies!

Very Inspiring Award

Yup. It came, and I’ve forgotten to reply about this. Hey! I’m allowed, it’s been a busy week. But here I am to thank the oh so lovely CombatBabe who makes me giggle and feel good about being me. How could I not give her love back.

As always there are rules. Though I will admit I am never one to follow them much. I do pick and choose which rules seem ok enough that perhaps I will wish to follow.  Anyways, here they are:

Award Rules:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2. Add The One Lovely Blog Award The Very Inspiring Blogger Award to your post.
  3. Share 7 things about yourself.
  4. Pass the award to up to 10 3 nominees.
  5. Include this set of rules.

Seven Things about Me:

  1. I’m a work in progress that has a few shining moments, though some are a lot less than stellar.
  2. I am obsessed with octopi (I cannot just say octopus as I like more than one) and steampunk. It’s sexy and so me.
  3. I try to watch the original 3 Star Wars movies all in a row as much as I can.
  4. I believe one expression girl is to not be idolized.(I do wish that she would learn to show more than one look though, it bothers me.)
  5. I like numbers because they’re easy to memorize, but Palindromes are my favorites. Im obsessed with them.
  6. I love tea, but if I don’t want to drink it and want my caffeine, I cannot get enough Dr. Pepper, Cherry Dr. Pepper, or Mt. Dew. (Drink Mt. Dew and you’ll discover what quenches thirsts like no other.)
  7. I’m a lovely mix of sarcasm, dramatics, and a little of this and a little of that. I sit off center and a little to the left, or is it the right? Maybe it’s actually up, or perhaps down?

 

Nominations!!(Or as I say, pass the torture! )

Knocked Over By A Feather – Sweet, down to earth, and brings me smiles with her truths.

My Spoken Heart –  Honest and true and able to relate to.

Nahn Fiction – If you want to have smiles every day, you fill find them here.

I feel like singing.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me, and I’m feeling good.

I was just humming that, though of course it was the Muse version because I was listening to Imagine Dragons, then the Lumineers,  to the Script, and that logically leads to Muse. But this is sort of fitting. No, it’s not a new life for me, but it is a newer start. And right on time with the new year coming shortly. In with the new out with the more depressed.

This week I started a new job. I’m away from the biggest cause (in my mind) of triggers. So fresh start there. I do have to dress differently than usual (i.e. no jeans and geekdom tshirts). I’m sporting the retro 50’s style which I mix rockabilly and pin up. It’s working thus far, but it’s only been 2 days. Though I need to add new shoes, I want my comic book pumps.

So I’m separating myself from my past, and trying to move on. I am on a steady schedule now for work. My routine is coming back. Routines keep me happy as I know what to expect. It gives me stability, as well as a comfort zone. It’s me. I need it. It works for me. I get to start on a steady visit now with my new counselor. We can work with the event and my PTSD and try to overcome everything. No, there is no try, either do or do not. (Thanks Yoda, I needed that reminder). I will get past this. (It’s my new little chant I have going on, like the little engine that could.)

Oh 2013, you could be good for me, granted that I do not have to put into plan the Anti-Zombie plan. Fingers crossed.