Anger

Such a taboo subject. You’re not suppose to talk about anger, and you’re not suppose to show or react to it. Then how are we to deal with it? What is it that I’m actually feeling?

It’s such an interesting subject to me. Something that I never really gave thought about until I attended a class yesterday at my new counseling place. Anger. It’s something that as a child you’re taught to not show. You’re not allowed to be angry. If someone shows you anger, you’re not allowed to respond back. But, then, what happens when I do get this feeling inside of me that is ready to burst out? What exactly is it? Where did it come from? I’m not suppose to be feeling this, yet I have this weird feeling that if I don’t get this out, I’ll explode into a massive eruption of who knows what.

For some it seems that it’s easy to recognize and express. For me, it’s not. I don’t even realize I’m angry or upset about anything until I cannot do anything but erupt. We talked about this at the session yesterday. I’ve disassociated myself and cut myself off from my feelings and emotions, that I know longer recognize them until something is spurting out of me, and I’m left without the ability to control it. I do not even notice that there are warning signs in my body to indicate that I’m going from one state to the other. It just happens. And no, these things do not just happen, but to me it seems that way.

But why does our society today make something that everyone feels, so taboo to express or even acknowledge? Why? That’s what I want to know. Well also how to even notice and recognize my own feelings, but that’s a whole other issue in and of itself. Seriously, is there anyone that knows?

My Life

Every day I start by looking at the dog on my bed and ask him if he’s ready to face the world for the day. While I know I’m asking him, I’m really asking myself. Isn’t that funny? I try to gear how I start the day, by how my dog responds to that question. And most times it’s as if he knows how I feel too. Some days he is ready to go and jumps right off the bed, other times, he needs that extra belly rub to get going. It’s as if he knows that sometimes I just need that extra time to build up my courage to get out of bed. But I know when he jumps off, I need to get up and going since he needs to go out.

Today Alabama Shakes got me motivated to get going. Well besides the fact that I had to attend a class/group session at 1. Hold On is the name of the song, and whilst the singer is saying her name, I insert mine. So when she is saying Come on Brittany. I’m saying Come on Lindsay. But it’s my motivation. It’s telling me that I need to get up and get going, that someone is out there hoping that I’ll hold on and make it through what ever it is that is pulling me down. There is hope. There is something out there for me. Today could be the day that things turn around, so you know what? Hold on, that brighter moment is just around the corner, so hold on girl, you can do this. Get up, get going, because you can make it. Hold on.

What gets you going? What makes you hold on that bit longer than you think you can?

 

Hold On

Alabama Shakes

Bless my heart.
Bless my soul.
Didn’t think I’d make it to 22 years old.
There must be someone up above sayin’
“Come on Brittany, you got to come on up.”
“You got to hold on… ”
“Hey, you got to hold on… “

So, bless my heart and bless yours too.
I don’t know where I’m gonna go
Don’t what what I’m gonna do.
Well, must be somebody up above sayin’
“Come on Brittany, you got to come on up! ”
“You got to hold on… ”
“Hey, you got to hold on… “

“Yeah! You got to wait! ”
“Yeah! You got to wait! ”
But I don’t wanna wait!
No, I don’t wanna wait…

So, bless my heart and Bless my mind.
I got so much to do, I ain’t got much time
So, must be someone up above saying
“Come on girl! You got to get back up! ”
“You got to hold on… ”
“Hey, you got to hold on… “

“Yeah! You got to wait! ”
“Yeah! You got to wait! ”
But I don’t wanna wait!
No, I don’t wanna wait!

“You got to hold on… ”
“You got to hold on… ”
“Got to hold on… ”
“You got to hold on… “

All the Best People Are

Yes, as one of my new favorite quotes says, All the best people are. But what are they?  They’re all utterly bonkers. I do like that word, bonkers. It makes everything seem more fun. Why do I say that? Quite simple really. I believe that those that believe they’re “normal” are not. It’s the norm to be different, at least in my mind, well that’s what I keep telling myself. Those that strive to be cookie cutter like, there is something not quite right with them. I really think that. I know I’ve some issues, and they make me different from people. Sometimes in a not good way, but I’m working with them. But here’s the kicker, I’ve never been “normal” and I don’t really mind it. My personality is quite and different, a little off center from yours and that’s what makes me who I am. So I’d rather be reading a book than going partying, or I’d rather play Guild Wars 2 or Star Wars Galaxies EMU than go be with a bunch of people that are trying to be like each other in some meaningless way. Yeah, that’s not really who I am and I prefer it that way.

What makes each person who they are is those differences in each one of us. I prefer to be me, not you or who you think I should be, but me. I’m that girl that can quote the lines of Star Wars and Princess Bride, who will out play you in video games, (OK maybe not Halo, I’m not that into FPS games, I prefer MMO’s.) I’d rather read, or sketch, or create a new jewelry piece, or ask you to talk geek to me. Yes, that’s who I am. Why change it. I have been trying to learn to accept me for who I am. Why don’t you? After all, I’ve gone round the bend and joined the best people ever, those who are completely and utterly bonkers, and it’s rather fun here.

Alice’s Words of Wisdom

 

Dark

Yes, that’s where I’ve been. In a dark place. I leaped into a hole the other day and I’m not really finding my way out. It’s been one of those weeks for me I guess. After 10 years of suppressing a memory, the incident, I finally told family. And since I never properly dealt with it before, it’s as if I’m reliving it all over again. It’s not a place I want to be, but I’m not finding anything to pull myself back out with.

I am slowly trying to find ways though. I started today. I called the local center and am working on getting counseling for what I’ve never dealt with, just tried to suppress and push away. Guess what? Those are some bad ideas I’ve had. I’ve had quite a few that have lead to some less than stellar moments in my life and trips to the hospital, but I honestly think that these ideas came with the worse consequences for me. I’m still feeling the effects to this day of them, and honestly, I think my life could be better if I would have gone for the help immediately.

But I do have a bright spot, something that actually made me get out of bed today. (Yes, except for work, the past few days I’ve been sleeping or laying around not doing anything. Why? Because I don’t have the strength to get up. I don’t have the know how to push myself forward when all of the sudden I’m feeling 10 years of suppressed emotions and guilt and agony crashing upon me all over again.) What was this bright spot? Last week I took a photo in a store of a quote that was hanging up from Alice in Wonderland(debatable as to whether the movie or the book). I saw it going through my phone today and I’ll admit, I cried. Yes I’m a little overly emotional right now. What was the quote? It was between Alice and the Mad Hatter, whom I’ve mentioned I can relate to quite well. But again, what was it? Well look and see for yourself…

Alice’s Words of Wisdom

“Do you think I’ve gone round the bend?”
“I’m afraid so. You’re mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”

 

Emotions and Addictions

This is not my first therapy stint. In fact it’s my 3rd or 4th. I never felt that I was accomplishing anything other than seeing if I could win the staring contests that usually ensued. I was rather good at that too. I say 3rd or 4th because one of those stints was an intensive outpatient therapy program that I was put into under doctor orders. What was this therapy for? My addiction. Yes I believe I can talk about it today. Not everything, else you wouldn’t have anything to read later, but some of it. Maybe it will help me to try and understand myself better.

This comes about from a breakthrough of sorts in therapy today. I had missed a few sessions because of my crazy life schedule. My depression has taken a nose dive and thus Howard was trying to help me figure out why. Which is always funny because I don’t know why, so how does he know why? But anyways, it is nice to feel like you’re in a judgment free zone and can talk about things like this. And there I go off track again.

Addiction. Remember how I said I’ve built up walls? Well we were discussing these walls. How I’ve built them so high that not only do they keep people out and myself from getting hurt, they also keep my emotions inside. They are so well hidden that I do not experience emotions normally. I will experience them, but on a time delay of sorts. What do I mean by that? Well more of I have this building pressure inside of me that hurts, and I know that there is something there that I am suppose to be feeling, but I don’t know what it is. It causes me to be frustrated and irritated, but unable to experience what I should at the time, but at some later time, this emotion comes out in various forms, but for what seems to be no reason and at the most inconvenient times. And what does that mean? Well how would you like to be working, and suddenly for no reason start crying and not be able to control it. Or just get incredibly excited and happy while you’re at a funeral or some other serious event? These are the types of things that happen to me. Delayed reaction emotions. It’s most irritating and frustrating.

Anyways, how does an addiction enter into this picture you ask? Oh I’ll tell you. I developed the addiction of self harming in the form of cutting myself. Thus my outpatient therapy group. And not only was there group therapy, but also one on one counseling. 4 hours a day, 3 days a week. It was like a part time job. The goal there was to over come this addiction, but was done without addressing and trying to figure out why it started. I never really questioned it because I was so far deep inside of myself, I couldn’t understand anything that was going on. But the point I had reached was numbness.  I had built my walls so well, that I was in a fortress. A huge massive fortress with a mote and a fire breathing dragon guarding it and I was in the highest tower type of fortress. Yes, this was close to when I was contemplating suicide, but that’s for another time.

Any who, the self harming started as a way to not cope, but to feel. I was desperate to feel anything, and to control what and when I was feeling something. I didn’t want to have these crazy out burst and have everyone staring at me and questioning my sanity, I do enough of that all on my own. It helped. Each time I did it, I felt more and more in control and for brief moments, I felt human, alive. Not this emotional zombie, that was stalking around looking to feel something or anything. This had gone on for a while until my psychiatrist noticed the cuts and knew what they meant, and thus welcome to intensive outpatient therapy. You’re new home for the next few months.

Why do I bring this up now? Remember how at the beginning I mentioned that I’ve taken a nose dive with my depression? In the past 2 weeks I feel as everything has been falling apart. Had one person afraid I’d do something drastic because I wanted, and still do to a point, to finally feel at peace. Well my emotions have been going haywire, especially at work again, and the other night when I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, I was ready to go back to my nasty little habit to try and feel and get a release. I had my knife out and was all set to make myself feel better, when my 4 legged hero walked into my room and laid down on my lap and gave me licks. But to come so close to that again, I didn’t think I should withhold that information from people. I want to share what I go through with people, and this is the only way I can think of for now to share. I know I cannot be the only one that gets to these points, and while I feel as if I’m a failure to reaching this point again, I want others to know they’re not alone, and that there is hope. It’s been over a year since the last time I did that. And before that, 7 years. I made it 7 years. For that, I am proud.

My Hero (well one of them)

 

With his “friend” Fred

Everyone has that one person that they know they can rely to be there for them, especially when things are at their worst. It sounds silly to say it, but mine is my dog. I’ve had issues with trust, especially males, and it was made worse so after the incident, so for me to let someone in is a huge step, one that I’m not always willing to let happen. But with animals, it’s natural to let them in for me, they’re always there, and never judging. So yes, Hawk, my Labrador, is always there for me, and knows when I need him.

I work as a server, and so come home late, yet he is always waiting at the door for me. Lately I’ve been having the worst depression feelings, and do not know what to do or how to feel, so I break down crying in the middle of the night, or randomly during the day. What does my dog do? He lays his head on me and leans against me. Never pulls away if I wrap my arms around his neck and cry. He will come from another room to just give support. Maybe he knows I need it, or maybe that’s just his personality, but either way, it’s something that, despite how I feel, makes me feel better. I can rely on him and know he is there for me. He doesn’t judge, doesn’t make fun of, doesn’t talk behind my back, or bring me down, instead, he is there to help pick me up when I need it and no one else is.

I know that there is a person out there that will be there for me as well, but I know I need to work on my trust and opening up to people, but until that happens, the best and most comforting feeling I can get when I’m at my worst, is that 90 pound black dog leaning on me and letting me cry upon his neck.