Don’t let the evil infect you!

violet

Remember Violet Beauregarde?  She needed to be “juiced” after chewing the tv dinner gum. Violet turned violet!  Yes, her, remember her? That was me today. Thank goodness for those little pink antihistamine pills. They turn me back.

Here I thought it was going to be a normalish (after all as a CSR and account person, I have never faced normal, I attract them.) day. Boy was I wrong.  There was a training seminar going on today for the other half of the office. They had a huge spread of bagels out in the lobby. I’m walking back from getting some tea, and decide why not? Bad idea, I was punished for my misdeed. I was struck by evil!

What is this evil you asked? Why my good friend, it was my sensitive food allergy towards blueberries. The best part, the bagel I “borrowed” was plain, not touching anything with blueberries.  Curses to me! Somewhere it had touched them for I had a faint taste and within 15 minutes I was in an allergic reaction. I can’t have a normal one, hives, no, not me! I turn flaming red like I have sever sunburn, I feel as if I have a fever (in fact, my skin becomes so hot that I’m sweating), and my throat feels like I’m and awesome fire breathing dragon with a sandpaper throat.

What a way to spend the day. Best part, I didn’t have my pink pills with me (note to self, buy more).  I ran around the office trying to find some, and a poor kind soul was carrying some. My new hero for the day! So I didn’t make it full blown reaction. Instead I walked around being red and breathing fire, but didn’t have the lungs stop working.

I learned my lesson,  I will never allow the evil to infect me again!

I feel like singing.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me, and I’m feeling good.

I was just humming that, though of course it was the Muse version because I was listening to Imagine Dragons, then the Lumineers,  to the Script, and that logically leads to Muse. But this is sort of fitting. No, it’s not a new life for me, but it is a newer start. And right on time with the new year coming shortly. In with the new out with the more depressed.

This week I started a new job. I’m away from the biggest cause (in my mind) of triggers. So fresh start there. I do have to dress differently than usual (i.e. no jeans and geekdom tshirts). I’m sporting the retro 50’s style which I mix rockabilly and pin up. It’s working thus far, but it’s only been 2 days. Though I need to add new shoes, I want my comic book pumps.

So I’m separating myself from my past, and trying to move on. I am on a steady schedule now for work. My routine is coming back. Routines keep me happy as I know what to expect. It gives me stability, as well as a comfort zone. It’s me. I need it. It works for me. I get to start on a steady visit now with my new counselor. We can work with the event and my PTSD and try to overcome everything. No, there is no try, either do or do not. (Thanks Yoda, I needed that reminder). I will get past this. (It’s my new little chant I have going on, like the little engine that could.)

Oh 2013, you could be good for me, granted that I do not have to put into plan the Anti-Zombie plan. Fingers crossed.

ARGH!! (And not like the Pirates)

That’s right, I’m yelling and screaming. I’m hitting a really rough time at the moment, and the stress and anxiety are mounting. Chaos will be ensuing. And I do mean Chaos. Or just Randomness! Ok, I lied, it seems like I might cry to. I feel a tantrum coming on, and I don’t know why!

Yes, I’ve kind of seen this building over the past few days. Why? That part I am not completely sure why, but I do have things going on in my life. I cannot recall if I mentioned before, I quit my main source of income. Why? Panic attacks and flashbacks. I was in the same environment as of when the “event” happened. So there goes my income, thus the job interviews, 2 part time jobs that are bringing in next to nothing. Oh, plus they call me off a lot. Good times I tell you. So, I have no income really, job interviews that I never hear back from, bills not being paid with creditors wanting money. Oh what a world, what a world.

So here are my anxiety signs. Oh these are fun let me tell you. I’m more sarcastic, as in sarcasm is dripping and oozing from my lips. No one is safe around me. And I’m dramatic. Ok, overly dramatic. Alright, more so than usual. I mean it. Poor puppies got it taken out on them. In the middle of a walk today, the one decided she didn’t want to go home, so tried lagging behind and sitting on the road. I was irritated, threw her leash away from me, and said “Begone foul beast, I cannot stand thee.” Well after that, she trotted up to me and stayed with me. And just now she didn’t want to come in, and it seems Olde English works. “Come Hither thee foul Beast.” Who knew. Anyways…

Ok, so besides the sarcasm and the drama, I cannot sit still. Something is always twitching on me. Legs, arms, arse. It’s all twitchable. If you make one stop, the next one starts. No matter how hard I try. It even goes when I’m trying to sleep. My legs are just twi, twi, twitching up.  Speaking of sleep. Lord have mercy. I’m not sleeping. You know what it was like the other day for me. I didn’t sleep well, or much. It’s been that way the past few nights. Worse than normal actually. I’m use to the sleep being an issue, but now it’s either I’m so tired all day long and am ready to pass out, or I’m unable to sleep at all. Nightmares I tell you. Lots. But that’s for another time.  Another thing is right now, I’m on the verge of screaming and crying. No reason at all. It’s just there. I’m sitting here trying to play Guild Wars 2, and ready to cry because I’m so out of it. I’m afraid it will start and not stop.

Please! Stop the insanity. The stress. The anxiety. Make it stop! Fate! What did I ever do to you for you to have me bent over like this! Kiss it already and get it over with. I need to make something of this messy soup you put me in. And it’s not even a good soup. Could have at least put me in a yummy one.

COGNITIVE!

AHHHHH!

Emotions and Addictions

This is not my first therapy stint. In fact it’s my 3rd or 4th. I never felt that I was accomplishing anything other than seeing if I could win the staring contests that usually ensued. I was rather good at that too. I say 3rd or 4th because one of those stints was an intensive outpatient therapy program that I was put into under doctor orders. What was this therapy for? My addiction. Yes I believe I can talk about it today. Not everything, else you wouldn’t have anything to read later, but some of it. Maybe it will help me to try and understand myself better.

This comes about from a breakthrough of sorts in therapy today. I had missed a few sessions because of my crazy life schedule. My depression has taken a nose dive and thus Howard was trying to help me figure out why. Which is always funny because I don’t know why, so how does he know why? But anyways, it is nice to feel like you’re in a judgment free zone and can talk about things like this. And there I go off track again.

Addiction. Remember how I said I’ve built up walls? Well we were discussing these walls. How I’ve built them so high that not only do they keep people out and myself from getting hurt, they also keep my emotions inside. They are so well hidden that I do not experience emotions normally. I will experience them, but on a time delay of sorts. What do I mean by that? Well more of I have this building pressure inside of me that hurts, and I know that there is something there that I am suppose to be feeling, but I don’t know what it is. It causes me to be frustrated and irritated, but unable to experience what I should at the time, but at some later time, this emotion comes out in various forms, but for what seems to be no reason and at the most inconvenient times. And what does that mean? Well how would you like to be working, and suddenly for no reason start crying and not be able to control it. Or just get incredibly excited and happy while you’re at a funeral or some other serious event? These are the types of things that happen to me. Delayed reaction emotions. It’s most irritating and frustrating.

Anyways, how does an addiction enter into this picture you ask? Oh I’ll tell you. I developed the addiction of self harming in the form of cutting myself. Thus my outpatient therapy group. And not only was there group therapy, but also one on one counseling. 4 hours a day, 3 days a week. It was like a part time job. The goal there was to over come this addiction, but was done without addressing and trying to figure out why it started. I never really questioned it because I was so far deep inside of myself, I couldn’t understand anything that was going on. But the point I had reached was numbness.  I had built my walls so well, that I was in a fortress. A huge massive fortress with a mote and a fire breathing dragon guarding it and I was in the highest tower type of fortress. Yes, this was close to when I was contemplating suicide, but that’s for another time.

Any who, the self harming started as a way to not cope, but to feel. I was desperate to feel anything, and to control what and when I was feeling something. I didn’t want to have these crazy out burst and have everyone staring at me and questioning my sanity, I do enough of that all on my own. It helped. Each time I did it, I felt more and more in control and for brief moments, I felt human, alive. Not this emotional zombie, that was stalking around looking to feel something or anything. This had gone on for a while until my psychiatrist noticed the cuts and knew what they meant, and thus welcome to intensive outpatient therapy. You’re new home for the next few months.

Why do I bring this up now? Remember how at the beginning I mentioned that I’ve taken a nose dive with my depression? In the past 2 weeks I feel as everything has been falling apart. Had one person afraid I’d do something drastic because I wanted, and still do to a point, to finally feel at peace. Well my emotions have been going haywire, especially at work again, and the other night when I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, I was ready to go back to my nasty little habit to try and feel and get a release. I had my knife out and was all set to make myself feel better, when my 4 legged hero walked into my room and laid down on my lap and gave me licks. But to come so close to that again, I didn’t think I should withhold that information from people. I want to share what I go through with people, and this is the only way I can think of for now to share. I know I cannot be the only one that gets to these points, and while I feel as if I’m a failure to reaching this point again, I want others to know they’re not alone, and that there is hope. It’s been over a year since the last time I did that. And before that, 7 years. I made it 7 years. For that, I am proud.

Observe or Participate

Today was a very odd day. I just felt disconnected from myself. It’s a very odd sort of feeling. To know you’re doing something, and going about your day, but to feel as if you are an observer upon yourself, and not the participator. All night at work, it was as if I was watching TV and on it was me.  I got to watch me as I went about working, but had no control over myself. It’s not the first, and I know it will not be the last time that it happens, but why? It’s such a helpless feeling/state to be in. I cannot concentrate or remember anything, and my attention span? Gone! It’s worse than usual. Ok, I will be the first to admit my attention span is like that of an ADHD squirrel inside of a metal confetti factory, but today, it wasn’t there at all. I would go to do one thing, and something would distract me, then something else would distract, then I would forget all about what I was originally doing and never get it done. Sorry on the refills everyone. I wasn’t in control of myself today. You can blame the squirrels. I swear.

Because I can

Yes, I know it’s 4 in the morning and I have to be up for work in a few hours, but I just cannot sleep. Why? Because that’s how I am. Sometimes I’m not tired. Like now since I just got home from a 9 hour shift. I know I’ll be dead tomorrow for both jobs but I cannot sleep yet. Does that happen to you? Do you feel as if you’re ready to keep going for hours, yet you know you cannot that you need to crash right now or the world will be rather silly for your next conquest?

What are you like when you do not get enough sleep? The world becomes the silliest, and most impossibly unreal real place that I find. Everything becomes amusing to me. I’m that child that just starts to laugh for no reason, yet I’m not a child. Oh to have those days again. The days of little worries, being able to worry about which video game to play, or do I really have to do my homework instead of getting one more hour outside.  Wait! I do still do that. But it’s more of do I have time to fit some gaming into my day or can I go for a jog this morning, well really afternoon for me. Even naps! Oh how I love to still fit in naps, yet something rather silly called reality and life get in the way and try to reroute me when I set those goals.

I have noticed something though. Sleep sometimes effects my mood. If I don’t get enough or get too much I can become rather more depressed than usual. But also, sometimes when it puts me into a giddy mood everything seems great, but alas that does have a backlash as well. That being that the following day, I’m in a dark spot.

Well with that bombshell, perchance I’ll be able to sleep for a bit, being that in 4 hours I need to be up and getting ready for work.