One of those days.

Have you ever had a day where you wish you had not woken up? That’s today for me. I wish I never woke up. That it did not exist. Just make it go away.

That’s all I want. To just forget today, pretend it didn’t happen, go back to sleep, and not wake up. That’s what I want.

I woke up with a major migraine, a pain in my side that felt like I was kicked by a donkey there, a nose that seems to be acting like a running faucet. So it started off awful. Then it just got worse. I did take some Excedrin Migraine, then back to sleep I went. Upon waking, it just continued to get worse.

Everything is setting me off in a rotten mood. I feel like Sid Vicious. (I’m praying you know who he is, I’ll be rather disappointed if you didn’t.) I was irritated with the dogs. I was irritated with myself. I told myself off. I throw everything in my room into a pile because I couldn’t find my robe. It’s a nice fuzzy fleece one that I love when I’m feeling blah. Then the fuzzy slippers were missing. I wanted my fuzzy slippers. Not socks.

Then it was up to the tea. Not finding the one I wanted. Then I found it and the world was right, for a moment. Then it was back to sneezing every minute. Sometimes it was about 5-10 in a one minute period. Oh the joys of colds or allergies. I will now perpetually be sick for about a month. It’s how my cookies crumble.

Then I just seemed to disappoint people. I slept most of the day, I said the wrong things, people got quiet and didn’t know what to say to me. Just when I needed distraction, I couldn’t find it.

Back to bed I go.

Upon waking, it was a rinse and repeat. Why did I even bother? I’m still not sure. Perhaps I should go back to sleep. If this is how the week is going to go, perhaps I best not wake up.

 

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Week in Music – 3/29/13

It’s that time, it’s the weekend! Which means… my week in music wrap up! What an interesting week it has been. Well music wise. I shared yesterday one of my songs, but there are much more. So without further ado ( that’s a fun word to say, ado. )

(BTW, there is a theme going on here…. do you know what it is?)

1. Let’s start with the one that I was driving to today blasting and singing to. Also, it’s from one of my favorite movies…. FanBoys.

2. This one reminds me of what I’ve been doing for the past years, I’m moving out of it, but I still tend to do it.

3. I do have a few theme songs, and this one is always there.

4. This one is a toss up between 2, but they both fit me. The both suit in different ways, dealing with my addiction (ok I haven’t relapsed lately, doesn’t mean it isn’t an addiction.) and also with … well something I don’t want to mention yet, but it’s good.

5. Somehow these guys always fit in somewhere. Just couldn’t decide which one..

 

And it hit me like a brick wall…

Lyrics are powerful. Songs tell the stories that describe our lives that we are having a hard time putting into words. The feelings that are welling up inside of us, the songs and lyrics express them.

I’m not great with my emotions, they elude me, I’m confused by them, and react with delays, give you the wrong emotion for a situation, but songs, oh my goodness, they are me. I can automatically associate correct feelings with songs. It’s easier for me to use them to express what I am feeling. I like to use them a lot, or portions of them, to tell my stories.

Today is one of those days. I’ve been trying to get JERK out of my life. It’s seemed like a losing battle. Just when I thought he was out of my life, he popped back up. I’ve been fighting/ignoring him for the past 2 weeks. Finally, the other day, I decided to tell him we’re not getting back together. No, this is not going to work.  No, there isn’t someone else.  We’ve tried a few times, it didn’t work, it’s not going to magically work this time. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t respect me, and will not accept my past. Then he throws at me, that he knows I’m with someone else. Had to laugh. Really did. The only person I’m seeing regularly is my counselor.  He doesn’t need to know if I like, have feelings for, or am seeing someone else.  We’re not together, it’s none of his business.

I finally feel like moving on. Saying goodbye.

Something hit me today at work listening to my music. My theme for the day. Hinder’s Without You.  It is fitting. When we first broke up, or shall I say, he left me, I didn’t know how I was going to go on. Despite everything, I was convinced he was the only guy for me. Yes I know, I wasn’t very bright, but I’m learning. Anyways. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and felt empty. I figured no one else was going to want me. If he didn’t want me, no one would. All I knew, was I wanted to be alone, by myself, with the feelings of not being alive.

Then something happened. I realized that without him, I was living. I was alive. I was me.

Amazing isn’t it? I thought I needed him to be alive, yet without him, I was finally living.  Him leaving me was the best thing to have happened to me. I’m finally alive and living. Well more so than before. I’m getting there to a better spot. I’ll make it. And until that time, I have my song to remind me. Maybe it will give you strength, or strike a cord with you that resonates throughout your being.

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all I do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper
Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

I called you up cause it’s been long enough
And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up
We were never meant to be together
Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

Without you

Without you

Without you

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather

It’s not what you think…

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Antisocial personality disorder is a mental health condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. This behavior is often criminal.

Not what you were expecting were you? I know I wasn’t. Antisocial to me was always the person off by themselves, refusing to be part of life.  Ok, I admit, I have referred to myself as being antisocial. I would rather read a book, play video games, work on art projects, just be by myself. It was easier. I knew what I wanted, I knew what makes me happy. It’s what I wanted.  Apparently I was wrong though. It seems that antisocial is a behaviour personality disorder.

Interesting.

What makes this seem more interesting though, is that the definition, states that this person is a master at manipulating, exploiting, and/or violating rights of others. In other words, this person is great at being social. He’s a chameleon. You do not really see him coming. You always look out for those that are “antisocial” (def: unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people.)  as the ones to look out for, the ones that are on going to be on the most wanted charts.  Wrong, this whole time, we are looking for the one in the crowds and groups. That’s what you need to look out for.

What though makes this person so “evil”?

 A person with antisocial personality disorder may:

  • Be able to act witty and charming

  • Be good at flattery and manipulating other people’s emotions

  • Break the law repeatedly

  • Disregard the safety of self and others

  • Have problems with substance abuse

  • Lie, steal, and fight often

  • Not show guilt or remorse

  • Often be angry or arrogant

Those first 2 scare the ever loving crap that is just waiting to come out of me, out. ( Whoops! It just happened. ) It’s those first 2 that blind you to everything else. Everything else stays hidden until it’s too late, until the damage has already been done. Usually, this damage is not something little, and the hardest thing to recover from, if you can at all.

antisocial_500

This personality disorder was brought to my attention in my therapy/counseling sessions for my PTSD from the rape. I’ve been having the hardest time wrapping my head around the fact that someone that I trusted, and seemed safe, could do something so vile to me. In my head (which I will tell you is still rather warped from this experience and ones after it… I’ve only had 3 serious relationships, and they’ve all gone very poorly) I keep thinking that this was my fault, I must have wanted this, must have given off signs that this was ok.  I never thought this would have happened. So my counselor is trying to help me figure this out. We look at everything as if it was a court case, and need to have evidence to prove a thought. Her evidence this week, was an antisocial person. You can trust them, they’re the most charming person you will meet, they seem honest, they seem safe, but then they surprise you.

I was surprised, majorly.

It’s also making me think differently. Maybe it wasn’t my fault, of course I still berate myself with the “I should have known” or “why didn’t I see it?” It is a work in progress, but I now know a little piece of evidence. That perhaps it wasn’t my fault.

I seem to have a knack at finding guys like that, but I’m hoping to change it. I want to change it.

That’s my plan.

Walking on Sunshine!

Some one thought I was full of SUNSHINE! (Hint, it was myspokenheart)

So there some rules:

  1. Make sure to post this award on your blog site.
  2. Nominate 10 fellow bloggers. (It doesn’t have to be 10, just nominate some people who make the sun shine for you)
  3. Please answer 10 questions. (Or you could just tell us some things about you that we don’t already know)
How did they know I love Gerber Daisies?

How did they know I love Gerber Daisies?

Ok so there’s the award. My favorite flower. HINT if you ever want to get me anything 😛

Nominees:

  1. KnockedOverByAFeather
  2. WordsAndOtherThings
  3. Deliberate Donkey
  4. FISHY!
  5. Lennon Sundance
  6. AliceAtWonderland
  7. Sofia Leo (I won’t take it)
  8. Rawra!
  9. TwinDaddy
  10. RoS (Even despite his massive dislike of awards and his ability to tear you in 2 for giving him one. I think he needs sunshine today.
  11. Figuring It Out

So now I have to.. hmm. I didn’t have questions, so I’ll give you some fun facts about me.

  1. I sprained my wrist running into and bouncing off of a very fat kid in gym class when I was in 6th grade. (Go ahead and laugh, the gym teacher did. )
  2. It’s snowing right now, and I feel like a little kid again wishing for a snow day!
  3. I was listening to Bowling for Soup the other day, so now I feel like I’m the girl all the bad guys want.
  4. I’m a Vanquisher! (At least in GuildWars I am. I can kill all the pixels! )
  5. I’m an Irish Punk lover.
  6. I want to move to Boston to party with Dropkick Murphys.
  7. I throw tea parties every day for myself. They’re all mad of course.
  8. Sometimes I wish my life was like my stories I make up.
  9. I’m slow to respond to Awards.
  10. I’ve been slacking on writing.
  11. I’m broken and special.

Ok so, I added an extra. Oh well. Your turns!

Too Epic to Fail

I’m epically awesome! It’s true, see….

Im so Epic.

Im so Epic.

TwinDaddy said so. I cannot help it. If you got it, flaunt it!

Anywho, there are rules, but only a few! Woohoo!

  • Tell 10 epic and/or awesome facts about yourself.  That’s it.
  • Pass it on to 10 bloggers you think are awesome and/or epic–or both.

This makes it so much better.

About me!

  1. I’m scarred and not ashamed.
  2. I’m addicted to caffeine in the forms of Mt. Dew and Dr. Pepper, besides tea.
  3. I’m addicted to rock music. The louder the better.
  4. Darth Vader is a distant relative, or not. (he’s also too epic to fail, like me.)
  5. I’m talking to some pretty awesome people right now.
  6. I want to have a kid, and I want that kid to be a padawan.
  7. When I was little, I had blonde hair and blue eyes. I still have blue eyes.
  8. My biology told me I’m a mutant, I thought she meant I was like the X-Men, she was referring to the brown streaks in my blue eyes from the mutating genes.
  9. Except for being a bridesmaid, I’ve never worn a fancy dress.
  10. I sound like a dog that is dying when I sing.

NOMINEES!

  1. KnockedOverByAFeather
  2. FiguringItOut
  3. Revis!
  4. LaLa
  5. Miss 4 Eyes
  6. Lily In Canada
  7. 1000 Single Days
  8. My Spoken Heart
  9. DJ Matty Matt
  10. Hooked!

 

Week in Music. 3/23/13

So I missed last week, that’s ok, I was sick and it wasn’t much to write about, or actually share.  Perhaps I’ll make this one a bit of both weeks. You want that anyways. There’s no theme, like Revis did, but it’s how my week went.

The first one up is… Social Distortion, after all, they’re with me every week.  These 2 go together, as well, you’ll see.

So let’s see what’s next. Oh yes, work and how I loathe thee. This one is perfectly fitting:

I’m trying to move on and past, here is one of the theme songs for the week:

I need to remind myself constantly this week that while I’m a bit of an odd duck, but I’m not alone, I have my support from YOU!

Another week of dodging JERK….