One of those days.

Have you ever had a day where you wish you had not woken up? That’s today for me. I wish I never woke up. That it did not exist. Just make it go away.

That’s all I want. To just forget today, pretend it didn’t happen, go back to sleep, and not wake up. That’s what I want.

I woke up with a major migraine, a pain in my side that felt like I was kicked by a donkey there, a nose that seems to be acting like a running faucet. So it started off awful. Then it just got worse. I did take some Excedrin Migraine, then back to sleep I went. Upon waking, it just continued to get worse.

Everything is setting me off in a rotten mood. I feel like Sid Vicious. (I’m praying you know who he is, I’ll be rather disappointed if you didn’t.) I was irritated with the dogs. I was irritated with myself. I told myself off. I throw everything in my room into a pile because I couldn’t find my robe. It’s a nice fuzzy fleece one that I love when I’m feeling blah. Then the fuzzy slippers were missing. I wanted my fuzzy slippers. Not socks.

Then it was up to the tea. Not finding the one I wanted. Then I found it and the world was right, for a moment. Then it was back to sneezing every minute. Sometimes it was about 5-10 in a one minute period. Oh the joys of colds or allergies. I will now perpetually be sick for about a month. It’s how my cookies crumble.

Then I just seemed to disappoint people. I slept most of the day, I said the wrong things, people got quiet and didn’t know what to say to me. Just when I needed distraction, I couldn’t find it.

Back to bed I go.

Upon waking, it was a rinse and repeat. Why did I even bother? I’m still not sure. Perhaps I should go back to sleep. If this is how the week is going to go, perhaps I best not wake up.

 

Week in Music – 3/29/13

It’s that time, it’s the weekend! Which means… my week in music wrap up! What an interesting week it has been. Well music wise. I shared yesterday one of my songs, but there are much more. So without further ado ( that’s a fun word to say, ado. )

(BTW, there is a theme going on here…. do you know what it is?)

1. Let’s start with the one that I was driving to today blasting and singing to. Also, it’s from one of my favorite movies…. FanBoys.

2. This one reminds me of what I’ve been doing for the past years, I’m moving out of it, but I still tend to do it.

3. I do have a few theme songs, and this one is always there.

4. This one is a toss up between 2, but they both fit me. The both suit in different ways, dealing with my addiction (ok I haven’t relapsed lately, doesn’t mean it isn’t an addiction.) and also with … well something I don’t want to mention yet, but it’s good.

5. Somehow these guys always fit in somewhere. Just couldn’t decide which one..

 

And it hit me like a brick wall…

Lyrics are powerful. Songs tell the stories that describe our lives that we are having a hard time putting into words. The feelings that are welling up inside of us, the songs and lyrics express them.

I’m not great with my emotions, they elude me, I’m confused by them, and react with delays, give you the wrong emotion for a situation, but songs, oh my goodness, they are me. I can automatically associate correct feelings with songs. It’s easier for me to use them to express what I am feeling. I like to use them a lot, or portions of them, to tell my stories.

Today is one of those days. I’ve been trying to get JERK out of my life. It’s seemed like a losing battle. Just when I thought he was out of my life, he popped back up. I’ve been fighting/ignoring him for the past 2 weeks. Finally, the other day, I decided to tell him we’re not getting back together. No, this is not going to work.  No, there isn’t someone else.  We’ve tried a few times, it didn’t work, it’s not going to magically work this time. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t respect me, and will not accept my past. Then he throws at me, that he knows I’m with someone else. Had to laugh. Really did. The only person I’m seeing regularly is my counselor.  He doesn’t need to know if I like, have feelings for, or am seeing someone else.  We’re not together, it’s none of his business.

I finally feel like moving on. Saying goodbye.

Something hit me today at work listening to my music. My theme for the day. Hinder’s Without You.  It is fitting. When we first broke up, or shall I say, he left me, I didn’t know how I was going to go on. Despite everything, I was convinced he was the only guy for me. Yes I know, I wasn’t very bright, but I’m learning. Anyways. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and felt empty. I figured no one else was going to want me. If he didn’t want me, no one would. All I knew, was I wanted to be alone, by myself, with the feelings of not being alive.

Then something happened. I realized that without him, I was living. I was alive. I was me.

Amazing isn’t it? I thought I needed him to be alive, yet without him, I was finally living.  Him leaving me was the best thing to have happened to me. I’m finally alive and living. Well more so than before. I’m getting there to a better spot. I’ll make it. And until that time, I have my song to remind me. Maybe it will give you strength, or strike a cord with you that resonates throughout your being.

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all I do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper
Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

I called you up cause it’s been long enough
And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up
We were never meant to be together
Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

Without you

Without you

Without you

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather

It’s not what you think…

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Antisocial personality disorder is a mental health condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. This behavior is often criminal.

Not what you were expecting were you? I know I wasn’t. Antisocial to me was always the person off by themselves, refusing to be part of life.  Ok, I admit, I have referred to myself as being antisocial. I would rather read a book, play video games, work on art projects, just be by myself. It was easier. I knew what I wanted, I knew what makes me happy. It’s what I wanted.  Apparently I was wrong though. It seems that antisocial is a behaviour personality disorder.

Interesting.

What makes this seem more interesting though, is that the definition, states that this person is a master at manipulating, exploiting, and/or violating rights of others. In other words, this person is great at being social. He’s a chameleon. You do not really see him coming. You always look out for those that are “antisocial” (def: unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people.)  as the ones to look out for, the ones that are on going to be on the most wanted charts.  Wrong, this whole time, we are looking for the one in the crowds and groups. That’s what you need to look out for.

What though makes this person so “evil”?

 A person with antisocial personality disorder may:

  • Be able to act witty and charming

  • Be good at flattery and manipulating other people’s emotions

  • Break the law repeatedly

  • Disregard the safety of self and others

  • Have problems with substance abuse

  • Lie, steal, and fight often

  • Not show guilt or remorse

  • Often be angry or arrogant

Those first 2 scare the ever loving crap that is just waiting to come out of me, out. ( Whoops! It just happened. ) It’s those first 2 that blind you to everything else. Everything else stays hidden until it’s too late, until the damage has already been done. Usually, this damage is not something little, and the hardest thing to recover from, if you can at all.

antisocial_500

This personality disorder was brought to my attention in my therapy/counseling sessions for my PTSD from the rape. I’ve been having the hardest time wrapping my head around the fact that someone that I trusted, and seemed safe, could do something so vile to me. In my head (which I will tell you is still rather warped from this experience and ones after it… I’ve only had 3 serious relationships, and they’ve all gone very poorly) I keep thinking that this was my fault, I must have wanted this, must have given off signs that this was ok.  I never thought this would have happened. So my counselor is trying to help me figure this out. We look at everything as if it was a court case, and need to have evidence to prove a thought. Her evidence this week, was an antisocial person. You can trust them, they’re the most charming person you will meet, they seem honest, they seem safe, but then they surprise you.

I was surprised, majorly.

It’s also making me think differently. Maybe it wasn’t my fault, of course I still berate myself with the “I should have known” or “why didn’t I see it?” It is a work in progress, but I now know a little piece of evidence. That perhaps it wasn’t my fault.

I seem to have a knack at finding guys like that, but I’m hoping to change it. I want to change it.

That’s my plan.

Walking on Sunshine!

Some one thought I was full of SUNSHINE! (Hint, it was myspokenheart)

So there some rules:

  1. Make sure to post this award on your blog site.
  2. Nominate 10 fellow bloggers. (It doesn’t have to be 10, just nominate some people who make the sun shine for you)
  3. Please answer 10 questions. (Or you could just tell us some things about you that we don’t already know)
How did they know I love Gerber Daisies?

How did they know I love Gerber Daisies?

Ok so there’s the award. My favorite flower. HINT if you ever want to get me anything 😛

Nominees:

  1. KnockedOverByAFeather
  2. WordsAndOtherThings
  3. Deliberate Donkey
  4. FISHY!
  5. Lennon Sundance
  6. AliceAtWonderland
  7. Sofia Leo (I won’t take it)
  8. Rawra!
  9. TwinDaddy
  10. RoS (Even despite his massive dislike of awards and his ability to tear you in 2 for giving him one. I think he needs sunshine today.
  11. Figuring It Out

So now I have to.. hmm. I didn’t have questions, so I’ll give you some fun facts about me.

  1. I sprained my wrist running into and bouncing off of a very fat kid in gym class when I was in 6th grade. (Go ahead and laugh, the gym teacher did. )
  2. It’s snowing right now, and I feel like a little kid again wishing for a snow day!
  3. I was listening to Bowling for Soup the other day, so now I feel like I’m the girl all the bad guys want.
  4. I’m a Vanquisher! (At least in GuildWars I am. I can kill all the pixels! )
  5. I’m an Irish Punk lover.
  6. I want to move to Boston to party with Dropkick Murphys.
  7. I throw tea parties every day for myself. They’re all mad of course.
  8. Sometimes I wish my life was like my stories I make up.
  9. I’m slow to respond to Awards.
  10. I’ve been slacking on writing.
  11. I’m broken and special.

Ok so, I added an extra. Oh well. Your turns!

Too Epic to Fail

I’m epically awesome! It’s true, see….

Im so Epic.

Im so Epic.

TwinDaddy said so. I cannot help it. If you got it, flaunt it!

Anywho, there are rules, but only a few! Woohoo!

  • Tell 10 epic and/or awesome facts about yourself.  That’s it.
  • Pass it on to 10 bloggers you think are awesome and/or epic–or both.

This makes it so much better.

About me!

  1. I’m scarred and not ashamed.
  2. I’m addicted to caffeine in the forms of Mt. Dew and Dr. Pepper, besides tea.
  3. I’m addicted to rock music. The louder the better.
  4. Darth Vader is a distant relative, or not. (he’s also too epic to fail, like me.)
  5. I’m talking to some pretty awesome people right now.
  6. I want to have a kid, and I want that kid to be a padawan.
  7. When I was little, I had blonde hair and blue eyes. I still have blue eyes.
  8. My biology told me I’m a mutant, I thought she meant I was like the X-Men, she was referring to the brown streaks in my blue eyes from the mutating genes.
  9. Except for being a bridesmaid, I’ve never worn a fancy dress.
  10. I sound like a dog that is dying when I sing.

NOMINEES!

  1. KnockedOverByAFeather
  2. FiguringItOut
  3. Revis!
  4. LaLa
  5. Miss 4 Eyes
  6. Lily In Canada
  7. 1000 Single Days
  8. My Spoken Heart
  9. DJ Matty Matt
  10. Hooked!

 

Week in Music. 3/23/13

So I missed last week, that’s ok, I was sick and it wasn’t much to write about, or actually share.  Perhaps I’ll make this one a bit of both weeks. You want that anyways. There’s no theme, like Revis did, but it’s how my week went.

The first one up is… Social Distortion, after all, they’re with me every week.  These 2 go together, as well, you’ll see.

So let’s see what’s next. Oh yes, work and how I loathe thee. This one is perfectly fitting:

I’m trying to move on and past, here is one of the theme songs for the week:

I need to remind myself constantly this week that while I’m a bit of an odd duck, but I’m not alone, I have my support from YOU!

Another week of dodging JERK….

The end is here. Or is it?

aliceatwonderland

And now the conclusion to Not Quite Alice‘s Mad Tea Party . . .   If you missed part one, see here.

I’m not exactly sure how it happened really, it just did. One moment, everyone is enjoying the party, and the next thing I know, it’s chaos. No, that’s wrong. I can tell you what went wrong. Hatter and the March Hare, that’s what went wrong. I made sure they didn’t know about it, that everyone’s invitations said to keep mum about it, yet somehow, they still found out. I’m completely laying the blame at their jam covered feet.

It was a nightmare. That god forsaken doorbell kept ringing, and yet no one seemed to hear it. I tried to ignore it, but alas, it was blasted annoying. It wouldn’t stop, and yet I know I do not have a doorbell in this garden.  It feels as if I’m…

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Very Merry Unbirthday… part 1

AliceAtWonderland invited me to come for a visit, and since it was my Unbirthday, I decided to have a tea party. See what ensued.

aliceatwonderland

Hullo, all.  I have another guest blogger today, with the most fabulous name ever.  Not Quite Alice of myrabbitholes.  I know, right?  TWO Alices. How are you going to tell us apart?  I’ll give you a clue.  One of us is nuts, and the other one is crazy.  So there you go.  She’s written a nice little short story about a tea party she tried to have on my blog.  It went about as well as most of my family dinners.  Also many of my work meetings.  It comes in two parts, so stay tuned tomorrow for the rest.  Enjoy.

“Clean cup! Move down!”

Oh good lord, not again. How did I get myself into this one? I could have sworn they were not invited. No, I know that they were not invited. I specifically ignored sending them an invite. This was my party, not theirs. I do not…

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The Makings of JERK

I think it’s time to describe something in my life I don’t like talking about. Well one of them.  You’ve seen pieces here and there of it, but this one has been in my head all day today that’s to some texts that were received last night from JERK.  He is like the Black Plague, I swear. Every time I think the is finally out of my life, he finds a way to get back in. Mind you, I said TRIES.  I’m trying so hard to not let it happen this time.

Let’s start at the beginning shall we, and when I get to the end, I shall simply stop.

JERK is an ex boyfriend, in case you didn’t know. I met him through my brother, who I trust more than anyone else. My brother and I look out for each other, are as close as siblings can be.  It can be creepy when he is hurting at times, I know, I can sense it, freaks my out, but it always tells me when I need to call and make sure he is ok, so anyways, I trust him and his choices in friends. So when the JERK asked for my number, I said ok.

At the time, he was nice. He is good looking, seemed ambitious, was attentive, caring, all those good things you hope to find in a guy (or a girl). I didn’t think twice about how he is from another country (Iraq), thinking this would influence how he would treat me. He was very American in his actions.  Apparently I was blind, but I haven’t gotten to that point yet, so I won’t say how until a further paragraph. I was completely shocked, surprised, and happy that he wanted to go out with me. (As I’ve said, I do not have the best self esteem, any wonder with the things I have gone through?)

So we started hanging out, talking and texting, trying to get to know each other better. He told me some of his past, what it was like growing up in Iraq, what he went to school for, how he came to America, his past relationships. We talked about my past, my past relationship (I really only had the on serious one) and how that fell apart, why I thought it did, where I was working, things like that. Notice, he was very into my past relationship ( this was a hint I didn’t notice, just keep this in the back of your mind), but not much about too much else about me. I didn’t really notice this at first, later, I noticed I should have noticed.

Things gradually progressed into a relationship. He kept saying things to me about how he was not like my ex, would never be like him, that I would be important in his life, blah, blah blah. Yes, really, blah, blah, blah. It just all started to become a routine. He’d find out something about the ex, then promise to not be like that, though he would never share much about his past. (There’s a problem I have, when I trust, I trust completely, it’s hard to earn, but once you have, I feel you have my life in your hands, and I will share with you, and share everything, after all, in my head, that is what you do with someone you trust and respect.) I honestly didn’t notice this at first, after all hindsight is 20/20, where is foresight when you need it? I thought things were going good. We talked all the time, we seemed happy together, we’d do little things/get gifts for each other, just little things.

Then things got a little  strange. I’d get random extravagant gifts, and if I didn’t do something of equal value, I’d be on the outs for the day or week, depending on his mood. Ok, whatever, everyone has their own quirks. Then something new would happen. He didn’t like someone I talked, so I was no longer allowed to talk to them, or if I did, I couldn’t talk to him. Strange. (You’d think I would start noticing that this wasn’t right at this point wouldn’t you?) Then he started having issues with my job. I was a waitress at the time working until close, but to him, oh my goodness, you’d think I was fornicating with every guy that walked into that place. (Hello, so not me, you’d think he wold have known that.)

Then there was a new twist on everything. I found out he had a temper. And that temper, no matter what, seemed to come out on me. (No, not violence, trust me if that was the case, after things I have been through, he’d probably find himself.. well not a good situation.) If something didn’t go his way, it suddenly became my fault. If I was working and couldn’t make time for him when he was wanting to spending time (I never had a say in this), then it was my fault, or my job’s fault. I was told my job, that was paying my bills, was bad for me, that I shouldn’t be working there, and should quit immediately. Didn’t matter that I had no job to fall back on. (Smart, don’t you think?) Then if I was tired and didn’t have time to talk about something, then it was my fault, I didn’t care, I didn’t love him anymore. (Yes, I was an evil vile person because I was on 4 hours of sleep, and had to be back up in 4 more hours for another double, I’m evil for not hearing how you don’t like your boss because he made you stay until 10:30, not 10.)

Things like that just kept continuing. Then the controlling started. Well tried to start. ( I might not be the smartest in relationships, but some things I draw the line at. That’s one of them.) It started oddly. I always have had short hair, pixie style, then one day decided to grow it long. It’s now about halfway down my back.  He told me if I ever cut it, I could never go out with him, as I’d be like a man then. I’d be unattractive. Weird, but at the time, I was growing my hair out and wanted it long, so this didn’t really matter to me.  He kept trying to make me choose between him and my job. When I was looking for a new job, after I quit when I was having panic attacks and flashbacks nonstop, he told me we couldn’t talk if I took a job that kept me out until past 4pm.  The job that I was waiting to hear back on at the time, was an overnight help desk shift. I really wanted that job, I was use to be up until 4am working, just add a few more hours to it, no problem.  He hated that. He won anyways as the job that through in the offer first was the job I’m in now. (Seems I lost to that because I have Fred now, and he is a nightmare.)

We were constantly bickering.  Really, we were. It was over anything. I talked to someone he didn’t know, that was a sin. I was only allowed to talk to him. He was jealous of me talking to my brother, the person that is practically like a twin to me. Then apparently I was always lying to him. (No way, my last relationship, the ex fiance was always lying about things, I didn’t like that, and said I wouldn’t be like that as I didn’t like it.) Where did that come from? Let me tell you. Remember about my event? Well lets just say that was the first time I had sex.  Yes I was raped while I was still a virgin. I didn’t see a need to have sex at the time, pure and simple. So instead, it was stolen from me. The ex fiance was fine with me not wanting to have sex, scared me at the time, but he didn’t know why, but he was ok with it, respected me in that way. Not the JERK.  When I told him about what had happened, he changed completely. Apparently I was ASKING for the rape to happen, and WANTED it to happen. He said I had lied about being a virgin, even though I said.. ahem. “I was raped, therefore my virginity was stolen. I feel that I still am as I didn’t give it away, but rather, it was robbed from me.” Yet apparently, all he heard was that I was a virgin. I didn’t lie, he didn’t listen.

I learned he did that a lot. He only heard what he wanted to hear, or would twist your words to be what he wanted them to be. So then when you tried justifying something, or reminding him about something, you were wrong. He heard it straight from your mouth, but only what he wanted to hear, not everything. Therefore, I lied a lot.

The tipping point to me was him stating that I was asking for, and wanting the event to occur to myself. (Yes, you’re right, I was standing out there with a t shirt on that said I wanted to be sexually assaulted and be tormented by it for the rest of my life, because you know, that’s how I like things.)  That’s where I started having problems, and sat back and took stock of what was going on. See, he was the first person I told I was raped too. (I was raped about, at that time, 8 years before that.) I thought he would understand, that he cared. No, it was all just a facade. A veneer of sorts. He cared, just not about me, about himself. I would be a stain to him. He treated me with no respect at all. None. I don’t know how else to say it, except that if we were back in his country, I’d be that woman walking 3 steps in front of him so he wouldn’t get blown up by a landmine.

He became everything that my ex fiance was, and then worse. He put on a good show of being what I had wanted and wished for in a man, then little by little, he showed who he truly was. Still, he was the one to end the relationship. Apparently, he couldn’t stomach being around me anymore. That’s ok, after a little bit, I realized how much better I was without him, that he was not good for me. I saw how much he brought me down and sunk me back into depression. I decided I was completely done with him.

That’s what I thought.

Apparently, he didn’t like that idea. And would randomly pop back up every once in a while. Usually because he was “lonely” and wanted someone to talk to. I tried being a friend. (I know, I cannot help, I tried to, but I try to be kind to almost all people, it’s how I was raised.) Then he would get mad and say he’s never speaking to me again, simply because I said no, I do not want to hang out with him. (Why would I want to put myself back through that again?) I firmly told him that no, we are done, pointed out that he is the one that said so, and would ignore him.

This was finally working. Then last night hit.

Apparently he must be lonely, and must have been turned down a lot lately. He told me he wanted to “fix” things, that he’s learned and is much better now. I firmly told him no, things cannot be be fixed. He still kept texting. I turned my phone off. (See, I’m staying strong here.) I eventually had to turn it back on though because it was the source of my alarm. I had a lot of messages. Apparently he thinks that he can easily fix things. I’m still ignoring him. A lot.

After all, how can you fix a lack of respect for someone? He has no respect for me, and is ashamed of what has happened to me in my past. I don’t need that in my life, especially as I’m trying to go through a healing process to put my past behind me.