Alles, Alles auch so ein frei! (or Ollie Ollie oxen free)

I’m trying something to do. I’m trying my hand at being the old me. The me I was before. The one I’m missing. That person. Can I be her? Do I still have it in me? Maybe not, but I can try, at least for a day. Pretend nothing happened (yes, I know you shouldn’t but I don’t have it in me to remember today. I’m tired, I don’t feel great and my voice is nonexistent at the moment, so just go with it.)

So how am I trying to get back to being the old me? I’m at least dressing the part. Ok, the part that I miss. I don’t feel great so my usual clothes are my over-sized sweatpants (hello, they’re the most comfortable things in the world, besides the super fuzzy soft robe I have) and I found my CLASH t shirt. It’s my favorite. It was given by an ex that I’ve come to terms with and still think fondly of. It’s the best t-shirt though. It’s in Japanese. So it’s not a typical Clash shirt. Says The Clash, has a skull and cross bones on it, and then says something in Japanese, which I assume is probably the tour there at some point, but doesn’t bother me. It’s my most well worn shirt, has the faded black wanna be grey look, the fuzzies of being worn and washed often, but that soft feel. I don’t know why, but I feel powerful in that shirt. It’s my ME shirt. Something about it screams “This is who I am, deal with it.”

Not mine, but I found a pic through google. Mine is much more worn.

Not mine, but I found a pic through Google. Mine is much more worn.

 

I want that person back. Come out, come out, where ever you are.

I’m hoping that with the new therapy/counseling, that I will be able to become me again. Yes, I am me now, but I mean the other me. The me that was a bit more carefree, slightly manic and wacky, could give a flying frak if people said something to bring her down, tune out the world and be so focused and lost in projects that sleeping became a bit forgotten. She was a person that laughed a lot more, took more joy, had a happier outlook on life. Didn’t depend on her sidekick as to how she would be. Just let the sidekick tag along with threats of pain if they became too loud. That’s who I’m looking for.

Maybe the shirt will rub off on me and she will make an appearance for a little bit at least.

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How have you seen me?

This is a rather short post today. I feel the urge to write, but only a little is in my head today.

I was teasing someone the other day that I would have to write their eulogy, and it actually triggered something in my head. If something was to happen to me, would I be remembered, or forgotten? Have I been a blip on anyone’s radars? How is it that they’ll remember me if they do in fact remember me.

Will it be remembered as witty, charismatic, sweet, cheeky, or will it be my weaknesses, the depression, the events, the sadness.  Will you have known me as an artist, the creative type, or will it be my half empty outlook that occasionally comes my way? Am I weak, or am I strong?

I know people will see me differently depending on how I was interacting in their lives.  I could be the vindictive ex, or the one that got away. What about the class clown, or the geeky outsider? Yes, I’ve been them all, but how will you see me.

bc11

More importantly, I think I just want to say:

Won’t you come see about me?
I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love’s strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don’t You Forget About Me
Don’t Don’t Don’t Don’t
Don’t You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognize me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhh…..

Don’t you try to pretend
It’s my feeling we’ll win in the end
I won’t harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security

Don’t you forget about me
I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I’ll put us back together at heart, baby

Don’t You Forget About Me
Don’t Don’t Don’t Don’t
Don’t You Forget About Me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on – call my name
Will you all my name?

I say :
La la la…

Strong?

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Friedrich Nietzsche

This quote, while it is meant to inspire, makes me ponder. Really ponder. If the hard things are suppose to make me stronger, then why am I not strong?
How I wish I felt.

How I wish I felt.

Is there a reason I cannot hold the world above my head and keep on going?  Ok, something more reasonable.  How is it that I cannot handle all that keeps coming my way?
No, this is true, and it’s what is in my head right now. Why is it that instead of feeling strong, I feel weak.  It is as if I am unable to become stronger. I will continually be weak. How much longer am I to continually be pounded and kicked upon by life? Will this get better? Will I make it through to the end?
I swear that this is a conspiracy.  A conspiracy to make one think that things will get better, that they can endure to the end in one piece. I’m not buying into this right now. Nope, not at all. If I was, then wouldn’t things have gotten better, instead of worse?  Wouldn’t I be seeing some sunshine in my life?  Perhaps I wouldn’t be as shattered as I feel.
How I really feel.

How I really feel.

Maybe.
Maybe Not.

Someone thought I was inspiring!

So, It seems that one of new friends( lennon Sundance)  has bequest to me, an award! The Inspiring Blogger Award. I decided to repsond now whilst I think up what to entertain you with today.

inspiringblog

RULES (as usual)

1.) Display the award logo on your blog.
2.) Link back to the person who nominated you.
3.) State 7 things about yourself.
4.) Nominate 15 bloggers for this award.
5.) Notify those bloggers of the nomination by linking to one of their
specific posts so that they get notified by ping back.

Random Me Things!

  1.  I’m obsessed with picking scabs. (gross, yes, but cannot help it, impulse control people, impulse control)
  2. I was introduced to The Amazing Screw-On Head yesterday, and wish I could get more of it.  (How could you not with lines like you went on and on about how sweet the candy was, then told me not to put it in my mouth, then got mad at me when I did.”
    ” If by candy you mean ancient forbidden evil, then yes, I told you not to put it in your mouth.
    I think your forbidden evil is as fresh as a daisy. “
  3. I have problems eating certain things that are white… mayo, sour cream, cottage cheese, tofu (it’s a texture thing, I think)
  4. I mock and use sarcasm because I can, and because I don’t know how to otherwise.
  5. I use the Force as much as I can, every moment of every day.
  6. I know where in the world Carmon San Diego is.
  7. Waldo could never hide from me.

Now, for the nominations! (don’t worry, I won’t do 15)

  1. Torino Diary. (love the photos! )
  2. Stuph Blog (yes I know, you have this already, but I cannot help it TAG)
  3. Knocked Over by a Feather (she makes me happy)
  4. Mind of a Mouse (use to be Jaschmehl)
  5. My Spoken Heart (again, makes me smile )
  6. Rarasaur (yes yes, I know, you have this one already)
  7. Alice At Wonderland (yes, if one Alice gets it, the other must! )
  8. Healing Heart (because what is not inspiring about this one?)

I’d add more, but I’m drawing a blank.

Something to Look Forward To!

I’ve been wanting to get back into photography for a while. I love it! And I can try to earn some extra money sometimes with it. Besides just making people smile, or myself feel better. I could not decide whether or not to get a new camera though. I WANTED it, but didn’t NEED it. Well, i am OCD and have impulse control issues on Saturday, the inner dialog won apparently and I bought it.

 

Remember, I’m ocd with impulse control issues… I tried to fight it! But it was yelling and crying “Lindsay!! You are negelcting me, please take me home and make me feel wanted!” NO camera, I can’t, I don’t need you!
Yes you do need me, I’m that missing puzzle in your life, you will feel complete if you have me.
MUST … BE… STRONG… USING THE FORCE… NOOOOOOO!!!!!
COme my child, to the dark side, you know you want me,
BUT… BUT… No, I can’t.
YEs, I can feel it in you. It’s calling to me.
Yeah, you’re right. I do. Ok. Now where is my cookie?!

 

Yes, that’s what truly went through my head. That’s also an exert from an email I sent to a friend. This is how things are with me all the time. I constantly have those type of conversations running through my head. But, this will be to your benefit, I shall share more art with you!

I wish!

I’ve noticed, or well actually it has been brought to my attention, that I’ve been rather angry lately. Yes, I have been. I cannot help it. I’m trying to, but it’s not really working. So thus I am left to vent.  I’ve been trying to get past the JERK.  It seems every time I am getting past and over him, he tries to step back into my life. This ends up leading to me feeling depressed and angry, frustrated, irritated, well you get the picture. I wish it was as easy as taking the trash to the curb like I just did. Would make my life so much, hmm, how should I phrase this? Less complicated, less emotionally draining, just less. Less of everything that makes me worse.

What I wish to do is run away. Leave all of his mess and baggage behind me. Forget how he made the worst experience of my life that I’ve gone through (thus far, as much as I don’t want to think about anything else that could happen, life is thus, and so you never know) just that much worse. I wish and hope for a moment in time to be happy, free, for that moment, to be able to lay down at the end of the day, and say “This was a good day” that’s all I want. Could it actually happen? Is it possible?

What made me think of this today? Driving home from work my iPod played 3 Doors Down (ok, big surprise there as I’m a bit obsessed with them this week, did you notice?) and Runaway came on. While I do not have anyone special that I feel like running away from everything with, I do feel like the emotions in this song. Come on, I was in rush hour traffic with tears streaking down my face, putting this song on repeat, and making what the frak faces at everyone giving me odd looks. (Ok that last bit is usual occurrence for me. I enjoy doing that, makes them give odd looks for getting caught giving you a weird look) But how can you not feel that when your listening to lyrics that are saying lets run away,  because no matter what as long as it’s good, then forever is never too long.  Don’t you just feel like hopping on a train and never looking back? Just go someplace that you don’t know, and that’s where you will be, see what life you can make.

That’s what I do want to do. Go where no one knows me, or my past history, won’t judge or try to coddle me, and just be me. I’m a bit crazy, I love it that way. I can be me, away from JERK and all the others like him. That’s what I want.

Do you ever think about running away
’cause I was thinkin’ about leavin’ today
We’ll follow forever where our hearts wanna go
Maybe we’ll live somewhere where nobody knows our names
Then things might change for the good

I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever is never too long
Too long, oh no

Do you ever think about not comin’ back
Hoppin’ on a train and we’ll burn up the tracks
We’ll jump off somewhere that we don’t know how to say
Maybe hitch a ride from someone who can tell us the way
To where these things might change for the good

I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever is never too
Where forever is never too long
Not with you right here by me
Maybe, maybe we’ll just see
Where this road will lead for us

I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever is never too
I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever is never too
Forever is never too long

So I was asked to share some of my adventures with Mummy. And I did! Twindaddy has been kind enough to let me guest blog and ramble on about how we met.