Why I Recap 50 Shades

NOTE:  The next of the visitors on my list is my fellow Alice, from that wonder of wonders, Wonderland! Want to know what’s with her reading and recapping 50 Shades of Horrible?!, I mean Grey, then you picked some timing, as today, you shall find out!

Want to jump in on the visits? Then let me know, send an email or leave a comment and I’ll get you set up for here, or my blog of randomness. 

Anyone who has ever taken a look at my blog can come to two conclusions right off the bat.  First, the gal likes Alice in Wonderland.  Second, the gal has a rather unhealthy obsession with the 50 Shades series by E.L. James.  In fact, a large portion of her blog is actually (we’re not even going to count the posts) dedicated to bitching about these books.  So you might be wondering – why?

Oh, what a rabbit hole you have jumped down, my friend.  It all started with the recaps.  Somewhere I learned that there was a new series out that ripped off Twilight really, really badly.  And I found a couple of blogs criticizing the books.  Speaker 7 reenacted scenes from the books with a stuffed rabbit and a creepy puppet man (who turned out to be perfect representatives of the characters).  Jennifer Armintrout, noted author herself, ruthlessly deconstructed the books in great detail, including excerpts from the book as she did.  It fascinated me, both for the absolutely horrible 5th-grade level writing and the equally horrible messages it put forth.

The main message (besides the publishing industry is totally insane) was that you could “fix” a psychotic, abusive man with the power of your vagina love.  This wasn’t something critics ripped out of nowhere either, like the idea that Moby Dick somehow represents God.  No, this was bludgeoned into the reader at every opportunity.  I was horrifed by what I read just from the blog recaps.  So I made a Facebook post about it.

This is one of those reasons you should never post on Facebook.  I got people who agreed with me, but I also got a lot of dissent from very intelligent women.  They informed me of several things.  One: I could not review a book I had not read in its entirety.  It didn’t matter how many frightening excerpts I’d read.  No, I had to read the entire book.  I liken this to eating a bite of pig poop, saying you do not like pig poop, and being told that you had to finish the entire bucket to know for sure.  How long does it take to recognize shit, people?

The second thing was that I was insulting the intelligence of women by suggesting that a book would make them immediately want to go get in an abusive relationship.  I tried to point out that this was not at all what I was suggesting, but that having the hero abuse the heroine (both emotionally and physically), disguising this abuse as S & M between consenting adults (it was not), and then having the heroine attempt to “reform” the misguided man was a dangerous idea.  It wasn’t that this one book alone was going to convince a woman that a man like Christian Grey was okay.  It was that this very popular book added to a culture that said it was okay to rape women and then force them to have the rapist’s baby, because you know, they really wanted it.  They just didn’t know it.

Of course many people could look at the book and say “Hey, this is not a good idea of a romantic relationship”.  That’s true.  On the other hand, I have known, personally, intelligent women with excellent educations fall for men like this.  These men don’t start out showing their true colors.  Everyone knows Satan appears in a pleasing form, just like Christian Grey does.  Handsome, rich, powerful and oh wow, he likes you?  Just plain ordinary you?  And soon you’re sucked into this web with a man who one second tells you you’re the sun and the moon and the next berates you because a man looked at you too long.  But it’s not his fault.  He has a sob story.  His mother abused him.  And anyway, that dress you wore was kind of suggestive.  Maybe he’s right.  And that maybe is all it takes to stay.

You could dismiss these women as stupid, but it’s not true.  No one goes out with someone, gets the crap beaten out of them the very first fifteen minutes, and thinks they have a dream boat.  It takes time and subtle manipulations.  You’ll find these manipulations in the 50 Shade series, over and over again.  I know because I have read these books.  I read these stupid, awful, horrific books because that was the only way I could hope to have someone take me seriously.  These books didn’t just have bits and pieces that were iffy.  These books, in their entirety were written like an abusive man’s handbook.  In case you think I exaggerate, I will link you to a couple of places.  One shows Christian sized up against your average abuser’s profile.  The other, from my own blog, shows you Christian sized up against your average sociopath.  It’s not pretty.

I make my recaps funny, because that’s another bizarre thing about these books.  They are written so badly that it’s hard to believe anyone could like these books.  Research is a joke.  Characterization and continuity have no meaning.  The sex scenes are either laughable (I love when he introduces his penis to her) or frightening (the scene where he spanks her as punishment and has her call out the slaps).  The writing is – well, frankly, it’s insulting to say 5th grade level, because I honestly know 5th graders that do write better.  So this is why I think it’s quite possible that James did not intend to have her books read like a handbook for how to abuse your partner.  That doesn’t make them any less dangerous.  In fact, if you read my recaps, you’ll see humor mixed with horror.  There are times I break into “AliceRage” because the books make me so angry I can’t find a way to poke fun of them.

The final criticism I got from people on that Facebook post was that I wanted the book banned.  Hell, no.  I do not believe in banning books, ever.  The written word is how we learn, for better or for worse.  I do advise people to think while they read (difficult with these books but try).  Christian Grey is presented as the ultimate romantic hero, not as someone to avoid.  But he is, ladies, he really is.  No amount of money, no pretty face, is worth doubting yourself, walking on eggshells, apologizing for imaginary insults, or accepting punishment of any kind from your partner.  You are much, much better off alone.

But society doesn’t want that, does it?  It wants everyone matched up.  And most of us want someone in our lives.  Some of us want it so badly we’ll stay with what we have, out of fear of the unknown.  When the known is abuse, try the unknown.  Don’t fall back on what society says.  Challenge it.  There are many brave women out there who have blogs detailing their fight against domestic violence.  They have endured so much, yet are willing to get on their blogs and tell people about it, to warn them to watch for the signs you can so easily miss.  I won’t pretend to be half as strong as these women, but I do my part.  My part is showing these books for what they are – not a romance, but a farce.

Oh My! Tag! You’re it!

Oh that silly storm trooper nabbed me! TwinDaddy, I shake my fist at you!

Again with the rules people! Always making rules.

1. Post these rules. … Ok did that.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you. A Photo!? Real or fake!? What about one of each?
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.

Ok so me…

So I found a real one of me… I’m scared, you’ll laugh. Anyways… here it is!

It's a monster!

It’s a monster!

Ok, now I’m suppose to tell you more about me… what don’t you already know?

1. I’m a geek.. you knew that.
2. I wear glasses. Duh!
3. I like books. Lots and lots of books on all sorts of things!
4. I broke my nose when I was younger. It has a bump in it now. I like my bump.
5. My head itches. So I scratched it.
6. I have a mischievous streak. It’s rather wide and long. Not like that you perv! Mind, meet gutter, now get out!
7. I do not have 6 fingers on my right hand.
8.  I was sold a parrot, it turned out dead, the pet store said it wasn’t dead, just stunned.
9.  I have a knack for trouble.
10. I didn’t expect this type of inquisition!
11. I have many food allergies, restaurants dislike me for that.

Ok, time to answer!

  1. Dogs shouldn’t snore.  Why the hell is my dog snoring? He drank too much beer, duh!
  2. Describe the most embarrassing moment you ever endured. Getting pants by my lack of shape on my hips, in the middle of a busy street lined with bars carrying a case of beer. That could be it, maybe. 
  3. My butt’s numb from sitting here for so long.  Wait, that’s not a question.  You have a wedgie.  Do you take care of immediately or wait until no one will notice you taking care of it?How bad it is? Do I notice it a lot, if it’s bothering me, I might fix it. 
  4. A coworker has some nasty body odor.  How do you address the situation? Soap and deodorant suddenly appear on said coworker’s desk.
  5. You just farted.  You are relieved that it wasn’t loud but it quickly becomes apparent that it was SBD.  Do you blame the dog? Smile and nod your head. With an Oh god, that feels better.
  6. You don’t have a dog.  Who do you blame now? I didn’t blame the dog anyways.
  7. Who’s the most hilarious blogger you follow besides me? Hello, I’m just pure awesome
  8. Some dude’s fly is down.  Do you do the considerate thing and tell him or are you too embarrassed to say anything because you’d have to admit you were looking at his junk? Dude, I don’t want to see that now, I cant help it that it’s at my eye level, do you mind?
  9. What is the funniest movie EVAR?? Shrug
  10. I got so drunk this one time that I actually…. Danced.
  11. If you could be any species in that galaxy far away, which would it be (yes, I’m referring to Star Wars)? Zabark

Your Questions!

1. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
2. Pluto, do you still think he’s a planet?
3. Any car in the world.. no money restrictions, what is it?
4. What happens when you mix those 2 chemicals on your left over there together?
5. Sherlock or the Brain?
6. Why?
7. Black Keys or 3 Days Grace?
8. Where did I leave my car keys?
9.  Why were my keys there?
10.  What is the Hokey Pokey really all about?
11. If Gambit married Rogue, what powers would their kids have?

And my victims!

Lily In Canada
Combat Babe
The Lone She Wolf
Knocked Over By A Feather
Depression Nation
Praying For One Day
Polysyllabic Profundities


Have fun!


Another Round of Awards!

Go away on vacation, if you want to call it that, and I come back to find awards awaiting me. Aw! You made me feel special again. I know you just wanted me to do some work. Admit it! You did! I know it.


Let’s start with the wascally wabbit, Revis, that brother of some storm tropper we happen to know. He nominated me for the L word award!


Anyway, here are the rules.

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.

2. Answer the questions that the tagger set for you plus create 11 questions for the people you’ve tagged to answer.

3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.

4. Go to their page and tell them.

5. No tag backs!


Hmm. Rules, they always make me do more work, so I guess I better get to it.

About me…

1. I just ate gummi bears, but not any gummi bears! Only the bestest! Haribo GOLD!

So Yummy in my Tummy

So Yummy in my Tummy

2.  I am shopping for a new ring, I happened to um, just about destroyed my Claddaugh Ring. Makes me sad as it’s the perfect size with a green stone in the heart.
3. I’m itching to adopt a new animal, but I don’t know which. No room for another dog, I have a chinchilla, and my rats died too quickly.
4. There aint no mountain high enough, aint no river wide enough, or valley low enough to keep me from my bed.
5. I cant decide between pizza or pierogies. They’re both looking too good.
6. The tires on my car are fixed. My bank account proves it.
7. I’ve come up with 6 facts about me.
8. I have fun naming animals. I don’t know why, but I do.
9.  I work with a moron.
10. I’m wearing my favorite Hoodie right now. It’s a Dropkick Murphy’s Sing Loud, Sing Proud one. If you try to take it, you will lose body parts. I promise.
11.  I am out of ideas.


1. Which superpower would you want?  I want to be like Gambit. Or Jubilee, I can’t decide but they’re both awesome.

2. If you had that superpower, would you be my sidekick? No, but you can be mine.

3. If you could make sure a certain actor/actress would never be allowed to make another movie ever again, who would it be?Too many to choose from

4. Why? There are too many idiots that think they’re good, and I cannot stand it.

5. What are you 33 grams of? I’m 33 grams of Get back Jack, this is my show!

6. Are you as tired of this post as I, Captain Procrastination, am? How much will you pay for me to answer that?

7. You’re blocking the TV. Can you move a little to the left? I prefer being a wall/door. Windows don’t have much going on. 

8. I guess I should’ve asked this as number 3, but I don’t care enough to put them in order. What would your superhero name be if you were my sidekick? I’ll choose your name, after all, you’re the sidekick.

9. Do you have any money I can borrow? I might eventually pay you back one day. If I had money, I’m trying to take it from others first.

10. Which movie character (it can be from any movie) would you most want with you during a zombie apocalypse? Does it have to be just one? I want a few. I’ll take the crew from Firefly, can never have enough brown coats around, and I want Rick Grimes, I want that smart guy over there and…

11. . Which movie character (it can be from any movie) would you least want with you during a zombie apocalypse? Buffy, she’s only good for one thing, and it will get in my way.

Ok, Questions for you!

1. Will you pull my finger?
2. I just gave you a magic bean, what are you going to do with it?
3. Batman is battling the Hulk, why?
4. If you could have your own sidekick like I have Mummy, who would it be?
5. We’re going on vacation together! Yeah! Where are we going?
6. What are we doing there?
7.  The world is ending, how?
8.  How will you stop this from happening?
9.  What is your “Kryptonite” ?
10.  Can you over come this?
11.  Will you share this with others?

And the nominees!

Wait, let me check to make sure I dont get anyone he already did…


OK, back.

2. Deliberate Donkey
3. Tales Of A Charm City Chick
4. Figuring it Out
5. Miss Four Eyes
6. MatticusKingdom
7.  Hmmm.. I cant think of anymore at the moment, and I have more people to add in the next one…


That brings me to….

Shine On

See, that guy I mentioned that gave the other award, well his brother, that’s right, the storm tropper TwinDaddy, gave me this one. This was a new one for me! Yeah! Thanks TD!

Rules! Always rules. Why?

  1. Link back to the blogger who nominated you.
  2. Nominate fifteen bloggers who shine a little light in your day and be sure to notify them.
  3. Share some facts about yourself or answer questions given to you.

Ok, I did the first one, it better work. Ok, on to the nest… !15 people!! No! That’s insane. That’s a lot of people! Ok let’s try.

2. Knocked over by a Feather
3. My Spoken Heart
4. Lily In Canada
5. Hooked!
6. Fish O Gold!
7. The Lone She Wolf
8. Lennon Sundance
9. War in My Brain
10. Hmm. again, not sure who to name.. so I’ll end the list here.

And hmm. I’ll share some questions, but only after I answer some first.

  1. Who is your favorite comedian?  Why? Don’t really have any, if they make me laugh, I like them. Something about puppets though make me giggle a lot. Jeff Dunham and Peanut. Hehe.
  2. You try to silently let out a fart to relieve the pressure building up but, OOPS, it was a shart.  What do you do now? Sit and grin baby, sit and grin.
  3. Did you watch the Academy Awards? Why or why not? No, I have better things to watch instead, or do, or something. Was it a tooth pulling?
  4. If you could have any person, alive or dead, guest post on your blog who would it be? What about unborn? I’d love to know what future mini me’s would say.
  5. You’re just standing there, minding your own business, when suddenly you feel your pants fall down to your ankles.  You’ve been pantsed.  What do you do?  How do you get back at the asshole that did it? IT’s happened already, walking across a very busy street lined with bars, carrying a case of beer. I just kept going, couldn’t drop the beer. Oh, and the pants fell on their own, my hips and back side don’t have much to hold them up. Belts don’t work, those bastages!

You’re turn!!

1. You have to buy me candy, what are you going to get me, and why?
2. DO you have any pets?
3. What’s on TV Right now?
4. What number am I thinking of right now?
5. Favorite day of the year?
6. Whats in your awesome sauce?




We’re done! Yeah!