Blood into Water

It seems my life is doing that oh so grand thing, of not telling me what is going on. About 2 months ago, I was walking down the stairs wearing these cute wedges I love. And if you know me, then you know I’m usually in tennis shoes like my slip on Vans, or boots. Wouldn’t you know, I slip on the stairs, but I caught myself before I thought anything really happened. You know, that little slip and wobble bobble, then righted myself. No biggie. None at all.

Or so I thought.

I had a little pain in my knee and some locking later that day. Made going to the Irish Festival a lot of fun, but that just meant Boyfriend and I took our time walking around and enjoying everything. The next day it continued. The pain was there, slightly worse, no bruising that I could see, or swelling. Though do note, my knees are boney. They make stick men look fat.  I brush this all aside and think nothing of it.

Fat Stick Man?

Day by day the fun continues. My knee is locking all the time. No rhyme or reason about it or pattern. Just happens. Pain is an every day occurrence. What else is new though? After all with the Fibromyalgia, pain is always there anyways. Let’s just add more to it ok? Ok!

Make it So!

After about 3 weeks of this, I’ve had enough. I cannot function without it being annoying. I call my handy dandy Orthopedic Surgeon who is almost on speed dial. Just kidding, he is not, that would be awkward, but he is the guy who fixed up my other leg when other doctors told me it was in my head and I was making it up. An appointment was made and the trip taken. He said “Lets try some therapy and see if it fixes it. If you’re still hurting with no improvement, then call us back, and we will see about an MRI.” For now, let’s give you a knee brace. This said knee brace is squeaky. You know when I am coming and going now, even if you are blind.

Squeak Squeak

Want to know something weird? You can feel things grinding in me knee. It’s very random and icky. Yes, it creeps me out.

I just had the MRI today to give you an indication of how well the therapy has been helping. The pain has increased as well. I called the doctor today to ask if there is anything else I can do for the pain. Do you know how hard it is to lie in a big metal tube that is a giant magnet and not move? I twitched quite a bit, at least it was before the testing started though.

Twitch

I will now have water like blood. 1000mg of aspirin every 4 hours. So far the only thing it’s accomplishing is making me feel ill. Though that could also be the B.C pill I take too. That’s also making me feel nauseated.

So until at least Thursday, I alert all the blind people where I am, take enough aspirin to make water out of blood, and I like Billy Bob Thorton in Big Bang Theory the other week.

Acceptance and Blessings

So it has been a while. Things have definitely been busy and crazy, but despite the hardships, I feel blessed.

I’ve met the most amazing and caring person. Not to mention incredibly sexy. (He says no, but I disagree. Though when he says the same to me, I say no as well.)  He’s helped me by just being who he is. He knows who he is and is comfortable with who he has become. He accepts me for who I am, this includes my past. He embraces it, stating it has created me into who I am now, and that is who he loves.

Knowing this, and feeling this love and acceptance, I’ve been able to heal. It’s more of a total healing. I’ve been able to accept myself.  I know, who would have thought this would happen. I never did, but it’s amazing. I really am healing. I am finding my true self, and accepting who I am. When I say accepting, I mean it not in a “Oh that’s just who I am type of way, and it won’t change”, no not that, I’m realizing who I am, what makes me, and embracing it.

That’s right. Embracing who I am and what makes me who I am.

I’m also learning to trust. After everything I have gone through, I’m learning trust, something I thought was gone and would never come back. I won’t lie and say it is easy, because it’s not. Not a chance in the world of that being easy. It’s a constant battle. It’s so engrained into me to be negative and to feel that nothing will work out, but I’m learning to trust. My boyfriend is the best thing to happen to me and helping me with trust. I’m experiencing reasons to trust, and then having these feelings reinforced. I’m not going to say I have this down, and I know what I’m doing. I need reminders. I need help.  But here’s the point, I’m learning and building. I have a reason to trust. Everyone else in my life has shown me that trust is something that cannot be had, now, I know differently.

Kind of nice isn’t it?

Oh… I’ve changed a bit.  There are some pink chunks to my hair, and I now have my symbol on my wrists. My sparrows are with  me where I can see them always. My strength. They’re there whenever I need a reminder. I’m here, and I’m standing stronger. Little by little.

 

A little pink...

A little pink…

My strength, my reminders, my symbols.

My strength, my reminders, my symbols.

And thus it will be so!

So as you know, this week has been crazy, with sadness thrown in, though I’m not talking about the sadness today. I have to deal with it tomorrow and thus am trying to not think upon it today.

I’ve had time to think these past few days, and there will be changes made. I’m having more random thoughts in my head that need to come out, not usually dealing with depression. I’m not the only one to have them I know. There are always things wanting to fall out of heads. It needs a home. There has to be a home for these words, and thus there shall be. I’m morphing, will have 2 blogs. One will be this one of course, where it will stay the same, but I’m going to be transitioning my more random thoughts and stories (Klaus and Mummy and the like) will have a home of their own.

But wait!

This home is not just for my randomness. It can be for yours as well. I want to share my randomness, and invite you to post there as well as guest bloggers. If you want to share your story with depression, then it will go with Rabbit Hole Trips, but I will be posting on both. (I have to set it up, but will be the mad tea party in my head I think… that was a random comment that came blurting out in the middle of a conversation with random people).

Also, I had a friend send my a card today, It’s suppose to be a Valentines card, but the statements made me laugh. She’s a great friend. It said “I don’t know why I put up with you. ” on the outside. The inside said “oh that’s right, because you put up with me.” She knows me too well. I proceeded to send her a pic that said “If you need an unsympathetic and slightly distracted friend, I’m there for you.”

You always need a friend like that in your life.

Time

This will be brief. This week posting will be lite, my schedule is hectic, as well as there was a death. A friend of the family was in an accident, struck by a motor vehicle, and just the other day declared brain dead. She died over night. So this week besides being crazy, has just become more so. I will share crazy with you later. In the mean time…
This made me smile.

20130205-155658.jpg

Go Away Kitty.

I have been thinking. Yes a dangerous pastime I know, but one that must be indulged in from time to time. So what were you thinking about, you ask? Well, if you really want to know, I can share that with you.

It’s a comparison sort of day for me. Everyone needs to do that. Alice has been one of my favorite characters for her braveness, her courage, her persistence. She battled through the strange land she was thrust into, and made it out on the other side.  That’s how I want to view myself. I want to be able to do that.

She had met some rather interesting and diverse characters on her travels. Thinking upon that, I wondered if I have ever met anyone in my life that would be like the characters Alice met. The first one that popped into my head was the Cheshire Cat. Yes, I have met him. Maybe you have too.

Rather creepy isn't he?

Rather creepy isn’t he?

He is the person that puts on a charming front. You think he is rather clever. Then he tries to lead you astray. Tells you where to go, what to do, and while you think these are good ideas, they’re the wrong ones. Oh he knows it, he’s just trying to lead you astray, make you in the wrong, see what happens when you go the wrong way. That important event you are going with him? He’ll make sure you are the butt of every joke while he is such a charming, friendly, life of the party type of guy. He is very devious, so much so, that you do not even see it coming.

Mysterious, devious, mischievous, charming, as well as completely and utterly mad. It was the madness that you didn’t quite notice. It was well hidden. Yes, I know, the Cheshire Cat openly admits to being mad, but this one does not. He hides it, yet tells you that you are the crazy one. Sometimes so much so, that you believe you are the one that is completely insane (of course though, I know I’m not completely mad, my mom had me tested).

For me, this was the ex fiance, as well as the JERK.  Perhaps you have your own in your life, or had them. Either way, I’ve learned, and I’m standing up for myself.

Bad Kitty!

Bad Kitty!

Bad Kitty! Bad! Go away Kitty, I don’t need you anymore.

The Road to Me

Again today, I’m wearing my Clash Tshirt. I was venturing into the public, and wanted to show everyone I’m wearing it again. They don’t know it’s been a while, or what it means, but I did. It felt good. I went to my favorite tea store, and found some new teas to try. Last time it was some flavored oolong teas, today it was flavored green teas. Everyone needs to try something new after all. And teas are healthy for you, and have an awesome effect on me. They are a calming agent, and no, they have lots of caffeine in them. It’s my I buy them.

This lead to a conversation with myself. It was about what do I like, what makes me, no, not the genetics portion, but hobbies, likes, dislikes. Forget the depression and the rape, those are what happened, yes, they play a part of some of your habits, but they’re not you. Forget them for now. You can do it.  They don’t make up who you are, they don’t define who you are. Since they don’t define you, then what would you say does define you. Go ahead, give it a go, write it down. You can think on it, but come back soon with an answer.

I know, I have interesting conversations with myself.

I decided that maybe I was write. So I did take some time to sit down and think up on this. (Ok, I’ll admit some of this came about from a very loving brother who said he is worried about me, told me that I was happiest and seemed so self confident when I wasn’t attached to the laptop playing games, or hiding out in the house, but when I was doing things. So it made me think, which is where my dialog came from I believe. Sometimes it takes a bit for things to work it’s way into reasoning.)

So what does define me? Really define me, not random things, but what would I associate with myself, that makes me happy, and would be so very ME. What makes me happy? What hobbies or passions do you really have that someone would say are you?

Well, after some thinking, here are some things I came up with.

  1. Photography.  It’s been a while, but I’m getting back to it. It makes me happy to try an capture the beauty that is in and around me that others might pass by.
  2. Cooking. And no, not the baking and making of sweet things, but real cooking. I can be extremely agitated and feel that I’m not able to control anything, and as soon as I head into the kitchen to make some food, it’s like I’m in a whole other world. Chopping, seasoning, experimenting, tasting, grilling, broiling, and the like, are my world. You cannot touch me when I’m cooking. I’m invincible.
  3. Writing.  I know it’s been a while since I have sat down and created and wrote out the randomness in my head, but it feels good to do that lately. I’m not talking about the posting/blogging, it’s more of the stories I’m writing about Mummy and Klaus.  They are making me feel better. Like I can do this, I didn’t forget how, and maybe, just maybe I might be good at something.
  4. Shooting at Clay Pigeons.  I never gave it a thought until my brother took me out one day with him, his wife, and a group of his friends, but they taught me how to shoot a shot gun, and I had a blast doing it. And I wasn’t too bad either for a beginner. I liked it. It was fun. Who knew I had some outdoor things I like to do.
  5. Being me.  Sounds different, but I have one person I consider a really good friend that lives where I do, and she’s always telling me SMH or she actually does that when I can see her, but she’s always laughing when she does it. I can be me around her, the crazy in a good way, goofy, creative, inventive person that I was before, and she accepts it. The one time she told me SMH at you, I told her “Yeah, but you love me.” Her reply was “true, and life would be less colorful, I’d probably die of boredom if you weren’t in it.” Made me smile.
  6. Geekery.  I’m content with my geekery. It defines who I am, it’s part of me, and I love it. It’s my knowledge of things that are random and may not mean anything to you, but to me, it’s a new world. I know it’s not really something like a hobby, but it’s still part o me.

That’s actually more than I thought. I’m sure I forgot a few, but I didn’t think I’d even come up with that much. Wow me, you actually knew something! Go figure.

I may have to take some more time to look at this, really evaluate me, and see what it is that constitutes the real me, the one that I keep hidden.

Scary isn't it?

Scary isn’t it?

Alles, Alles auch so ein frei! (or Ollie Ollie oxen free)

I’m trying something to do. I’m trying my hand at being the old me. The me I was before. The one I’m missing. That person. Can I be her? Do I still have it in me? Maybe not, but I can try, at least for a day. Pretend nothing happened (yes, I know you shouldn’t but I don’t have it in me to remember today. I’m tired, I don’t feel great and my voice is nonexistent at the moment, so just go with it.)

So how am I trying to get back to being the old me? I’m at least dressing the part. Ok, the part that I miss. I don’t feel great so my usual clothes are my over-sized sweatpants (hello, they’re the most comfortable things in the world, besides the super fuzzy soft robe I have) and I found my CLASH t shirt. It’s my favorite. It was given by an ex that I’ve come to terms with and still think fondly of. It’s the best t-shirt though. It’s in Japanese. So it’s not a typical Clash shirt. Says The Clash, has a skull and cross bones on it, and then says something in Japanese, which I assume is probably the tour there at some point, but doesn’t bother me. It’s my most well worn shirt, has the faded black wanna be grey look, the fuzzies of being worn and washed often, but that soft feel. I don’t know why, but I feel powerful in that shirt. It’s my ME shirt. Something about it screams “This is who I am, deal with it.”

Not mine, but I found a pic through google. Mine is much more worn.

Not mine, but I found a pic through Google. Mine is much more worn.

 

I want that person back. Come out, come out, where ever you are.

I’m hoping that with the new therapy/counseling, that I will be able to become me again. Yes, I am me now, but I mean the other me. The me that was a bit more carefree, slightly manic and wacky, could give a flying frak if people said something to bring her down, tune out the world and be so focused and lost in projects that sleeping became a bit forgotten. She was a person that laughed a lot more, took more joy, had a happier outlook on life. Didn’t depend on her sidekick as to how she would be. Just let the sidekick tag along with threats of pain if they became too loud. That’s who I’m looking for.

Maybe the shirt will rub off on me and she will make an appearance for a little bit at least.