Day 2 of 25 Days

A song that reminds me of my most recent ex is today’s prompt in the 25 days of music challenge.

Those that have followed me a bit, know where this is going. My ex was abusive to me. He was manipulative. He was demeaning. I felt worthless with him. All you have to do is search for the jerktag in my posts, to get a taste of him. I have no kind thoughts in my body for him. I honestly could care less for what happens to him. Perhaps I would if he had treated me like a human, but since he had treated me worse than the rapist, I think that will near impossible.

So what lovely diddy did I select for him? Oh aren’t you in for a treat, as I couldn’t choose just one.

Let’s start with:

Five Finger Death Punch! Just to watch you bleed (Because after how he treated me, all I want to do is watch that happen)

Then this jumps right into Red Jumpsuit Apparatus  – False Pretense (as he hid who he was)

 

Lastly, one of my favorite groups, Three Days Grace – Unbreakable Heart, because no matter how hard he tried, I’m still here, and stronger than I was before.

 

As I stated, I don’t have fond memories of this one, so the songs are such a happy lot for you to listen to.

Week in Music (3/31-4/14)

Well I missed a week due to feeling, well horrid, depressed, bitter, and all that lovely stuff, and unfortunately, it really did not get better this week, but I shall give you TWO weeks of music. Not the happiest, but it’s me!

1. So the hair was chopped off, a message to JERK, which apparently he did not receive.  He told me it will grow back. H to the E, to the double L no!

2. In Case he doesn’t get it…

3. Every time I started feeling horrible and needed a pick me, you were there…

4. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-D-VxBH-SU

5.  I made a step forward in therapy these past 2 weeks. I was told I’m improving and making progressive steps. I’m recovering.

6. Nuff Said

7.  Just seems to fit into the week.

8. I’ve made up my mind this week about something….

9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sGYHlreXO8

10. Thank You.

 

Just a Quickie!

So Melanie beat me to it today, but I’m still going to post it. I just got back from seeing my cousin, and she helped me shed some dead weight.

Yup, it grows quickly.

Yup, it grows quickly.

I’ve been growing my hair for about 3 years from a pixie cut. Then when I met JERK, he liked long hair, and said he could only date someone with long hair. If I had cut it, he would drop me. Well he dropped me anyways. I had kept it long, was going to keep it long, but then he has tried coming back into my life. I want to send a message. So I am.

It's gone!

It’s gone!

It’s gone. I am starting small. More than likely I will take it to a pixie later. A shaggy pixie. I love the shaggy look. It’s fun. Anyways. My cousin cut my hair. We lost a lot. A whole lot. I like it. Not only cut my hair, I cut off the dead weight he created. I’m sending him a message. I don’t want you. I don’t need you.

Take a hint!

I feel awesome!

I feel awesome!

And it hit me like a brick wall…

Lyrics are powerful. Songs tell the stories that describe our lives that we are having a hard time putting into words. The feelings that are welling up inside of us, the songs and lyrics express them.

I’m not great with my emotions, they elude me, I’m confused by them, and react with delays, give you the wrong emotion for a situation, but songs, oh my goodness, they are me. I can automatically associate correct feelings with songs. It’s easier for me to use them to express what I am feeling. I like to use them a lot, or portions of them, to tell my stories.

Today is one of those days. I’ve been trying to get JERK out of my life. It’s seemed like a losing battle. Just when I thought he was out of my life, he popped back up. I’ve been fighting/ignoring him for the past 2 weeks. Finally, the other day, I decided to tell him we’re not getting back together. No, this is not going to work.  No, there isn’t someone else.  We’ve tried a few times, it didn’t work, it’s not going to magically work this time. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t respect me, and will not accept my past. Then he throws at me, that he knows I’m with someone else. Had to laugh. Really did. The only person I’m seeing regularly is my counselor.  He doesn’t need to know if I like, have feelings for, or am seeing someone else.  We’re not together, it’s none of his business.

I finally feel like moving on. Saying goodbye.

Something hit me today at work listening to my music. My theme for the day. Hinder’s Without You.  It is fitting. When we first broke up, or shall I say, he left me, I didn’t know how I was going to go on. Despite everything, I was convinced he was the only guy for me. Yes I know, I wasn’t very bright, but I’m learning. Anyways. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and felt empty. I figured no one else was going to want me. If he didn’t want me, no one would. All I knew, was I wanted to be alone, by myself, with the feelings of not being alive.

Then something happened. I realized that without him, I was living. I was alive. I was me.

Amazing isn’t it? I thought I needed him to be alive, yet without him, I was finally living.  Him leaving me was the best thing to have happened to me. I’m finally alive and living. Well more so than before. I’m getting there to a better spot. I’ll make it. And until that time, I have my song to remind me. Maybe it will give you strength, or strike a cord with you that resonates throughout your being.

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all I do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper
Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

I called you up cause it’s been long enough
And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up
We were never meant to be together
Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

Without you

Without you

Without you

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather

Week in Music. 3/23/13

So I missed last week, that’s ok, I was sick and it wasn’t much to write about, or actually share.  Perhaps I’ll make this one a bit of both weeks. You want that anyways. There’s no theme, like Revis did, but it’s how my week went.

The first one up is… Social Distortion, after all, they’re with me every week.  These 2 go together, as well, you’ll see.

So let’s see what’s next. Oh yes, work and how I loathe thee. This one is perfectly fitting:

I’m trying to move on and past, here is one of the theme songs for the week:

I need to remind myself constantly this week that while I’m a bit of an odd duck, but I’m not alone, I have my support from YOU!

Another week of dodging JERK….

The Makings of JERK

I think it’s time to describe something in my life I don’t like talking about. Well one of them.  You’ve seen pieces here and there of it, but this one has been in my head all day today that’s to some texts that were received last night from JERK.  He is like the Black Plague, I swear. Every time I think the is finally out of my life, he finds a way to get back in. Mind you, I said TRIES.  I’m trying so hard to not let it happen this time.

Let’s start at the beginning shall we, and when I get to the end, I shall simply stop.

JERK is an ex boyfriend, in case you didn’t know. I met him through my brother, who I trust more than anyone else. My brother and I look out for each other, are as close as siblings can be.  It can be creepy when he is hurting at times, I know, I can sense it, freaks my out, but it always tells me when I need to call and make sure he is ok, so anyways, I trust him and his choices in friends. So when the JERK asked for my number, I said ok.

At the time, he was nice. He is good looking, seemed ambitious, was attentive, caring, all those good things you hope to find in a guy (or a girl). I didn’t think twice about how he is from another country (Iraq), thinking this would influence how he would treat me. He was very American in his actions.  Apparently I was blind, but I haven’t gotten to that point yet, so I won’t say how until a further paragraph. I was completely shocked, surprised, and happy that he wanted to go out with me. (As I’ve said, I do not have the best self esteem, any wonder with the things I have gone through?)

So we started hanging out, talking and texting, trying to get to know each other better. He told me some of his past, what it was like growing up in Iraq, what he went to school for, how he came to America, his past relationships. We talked about my past, my past relationship (I really only had the on serious one) and how that fell apart, why I thought it did, where I was working, things like that. Notice, he was very into my past relationship ( this was a hint I didn’t notice, just keep this in the back of your mind), but not much about too much else about me. I didn’t really notice this at first, later, I noticed I should have noticed.

Things gradually progressed into a relationship. He kept saying things to me about how he was not like my ex, would never be like him, that I would be important in his life, blah, blah blah. Yes, really, blah, blah, blah. It just all started to become a routine. He’d find out something about the ex, then promise to not be like that, though he would never share much about his past. (There’s a problem I have, when I trust, I trust completely, it’s hard to earn, but once you have, I feel you have my life in your hands, and I will share with you, and share everything, after all, in my head, that is what you do with someone you trust and respect.) I honestly didn’t notice this at first, after all hindsight is 20/20, where is foresight when you need it? I thought things were going good. We talked all the time, we seemed happy together, we’d do little things/get gifts for each other, just little things.

Then things got a little  strange. I’d get random extravagant gifts, and if I didn’t do something of equal value, I’d be on the outs for the day or week, depending on his mood. Ok, whatever, everyone has their own quirks. Then something new would happen. He didn’t like someone I talked, so I was no longer allowed to talk to them, or if I did, I couldn’t talk to him. Strange. (You’d think I would start noticing that this wasn’t right at this point wouldn’t you?) Then he started having issues with my job. I was a waitress at the time working until close, but to him, oh my goodness, you’d think I was fornicating with every guy that walked into that place. (Hello, so not me, you’d think he wold have known that.)

Then there was a new twist on everything. I found out he had a temper. And that temper, no matter what, seemed to come out on me. (No, not violence, trust me if that was the case, after things I have been through, he’d probably find himself.. well not a good situation.) If something didn’t go his way, it suddenly became my fault. If I was working and couldn’t make time for him when he was wanting to spending time (I never had a say in this), then it was my fault, or my job’s fault. I was told my job, that was paying my bills, was bad for me, that I shouldn’t be working there, and should quit immediately. Didn’t matter that I had no job to fall back on. (Smart, don’t you think?) Then if I was tired and didn’t have time to talk about something, then it was my fault, I didn’t care, I didn’t love him anymore. (Yes, I was an evil vile person because I was on 4 hours of sleep, and had to be back up in 4 more hours for another double, I’m evil for not hearing how you don’t like your boss because he made you stay until 10:30, not 10.)

Things like that just kept continuing. Then the controlling started. Well tried to start. ( I might not be the smartest in relationships, but some things I draw the line at. That’s one of them.) It started oddly. I always have had short hair, pixie style, then one day decided to grow it long. It’s now about halfway down my back.  He told me if I ever cut it, I could never go out with him, as I’d be like a man then. I’d be unattractive. Weird, but at the time, I was growing my hair out and wanted it long, so this didn’t really matter to me.  He kept trying to make me choose between him and my job. When I was looking for a new job, after I quit when I was having panic attacks and flashbacks nonstop, he told me we couldn’t talk if I took a job that kept me out until past 4pm.  The job that I was waiting to hear back on at the time, was an overnight help desk shift. I really wanted that job, I was use to be up until 4am working, just add a few more hours to it, no problem.  He hated that. He won anyways as the job that through in the offer first was the job I’m in now. (Seems I lost to that because I have Fred now, and he is a nightmare.)

We were constantly bickering.  Really, we were. It was over anything. I talked to someone he didn’t know, that was a sin. I was only allowed to talk to him. He was jealous of me talking to my brother, the person that is practically like a twin to me. Then apparently I was always lying to him. (No way, my last relationship, the ex fiance was always lying about things, I didn’t like that, and said I wouldn’t be like that as I didn’t like it.) Where did that come from? Let me tell you. Remember about my event? Well lets just say that was the first time I had sex.  Yes I was raped while I was still a virgin. I didn’t see a need to have sex at the time, pure and simple. So instead, it was stolen from me. The ex fiance was fine with me not wanting to have sex, scared me at the time, but he didn’t know why, but he was ok with it, respected me in that way. Not the JERK.  When I told him about what had happened, he changed completely. Apparently I was ASKING for the rape to happen, and WANTED it to happen. He said I had lied about being a virgin, even though I said.. ahem. “I was raped, therefore my virginity was stolen. I feel that I still am as I didn’t give it away, but rather, it was robbed from me.” Yet apparently, all he heard was that I was a virgin. I didn’t lie, he didn’t listen.

I learned he did that a lot. He only heard what he wanted to hear, or would twist your words to be what he wanted them to be. So then when you tried justifying something, or reminding him about something, you were wrong. He heard it straight from your mouth, but only what he wanted to hear, not everything. Therefore, I lied a lot.

The tipping point to me was him stating that I was asking for, and wanting the event to occur to myself. (Yes, you’re right, I was standing out there with a t shirt on that said I wanted to be sexually assaulted and be tormented by it for the rest of my life, because you know, that’s how I like things.)  That’s where I started having problems, and sat back and took stock of what was going on. See, he was the first person I told I was raped too. (I was raped about, at that time, 8 years before that.) I thought he would understand, that he cared. No, it was all just a facade. A veneer of sorts. He cared, just not about me, about himself. I would be a stain to him. He treated me with no respect at all. None. I don’t know how else to say it, except that if we were back in his country, I’d be that woman walking 3 steps in front of him so he wouldn’t get blown up by a landmine.

He became everything that my ex fiance was, and then worse. He put on a good show of being what I had wanted and wished for in a man, then little by little, he showed who he truly was. Still, he was the one to end the relationship. Apparently, he couldn’t stomach being around me anymore. That’s ok, after a little bit, I realized how much better I was without him, that he was not good for me. I saw how much he brought me down and sunk me back into depression. I decided I was completely done with him.

That’s what I thought.

Apparently, he didn’t like that idea. And would randomly pop back up every once in a while. Usually because he was “lonely” and wanted someone to talk to. I tried being a friend. (I know, I cannot help, I tried to, but I try to be kind to almost all people, it’s how I was raised.) Then he would get mad and say he’s never speaking to me again, simply because I said no, I do not want to hang out with him. (Why would I want to put myself back through that again?) I firmly told him that no, we are done, pointed out that he is the one that said so, and would ignore him.

This was finally working. Then last night hit.

Apparently he must be lonely, and must have been turned down a lot lately. He told me he wanted to “fix” things, that he’s learned and is much better now. I firmly told him no, things cannot be be fixed. He still kept texting. I turned my phone off. (See, I’m staying strong here.) I eventually had to turn it back on though because it was the source of my alarm. I had a lot of messages. Apparently he thinks that he can easily fix things. I’m still ignoring him. A lot.

After all, how can you fix a lack of respect for someone? He has no respect for me, and is ashamed of what has happened to me in my past. I don’t need that in my life, especially as I’m trying to go through a healing process to put my past behind me.

Go Away Kitty.

I have been thinking. Yes a dangerous pastime I know, but one that must be indulged in from time to time. So what were you thinking about, you ask? Well, if you really want to know, I can share that with you.

It’s a comparison sort of day for me. Everyone needs to do that. Alice has been one of my favorite characters for her braveness, her courage, her persistence. She battled through the strange land she was thrust into, and made it out on the other side.  That’s how I want to view myself. I want to be able to do that.

She had met some rather interesting and diverse characters on her travels. Thinking upon that, I wondered if I have ever met anyone in my life that would be like the characters Alice met. The first one that popped into my head was the Cheshire Cat. Yes, I have met him. Maybe you have too.

Rather creepy isn't he?

Rather creepy isn’t he?

He is the person that puts on a charming front. You think he is rather clever. Then he tries to lead you astray. Tells you where to go, what to do, and while you think these are good ideas, they’re the wrong ones. Oh he knows it, he’s just trying to lead you astray, make you in the wrong, see what happens when you go the wrong way. That important event you are going with him? He’ll make sure you are the butt of every joke while he is such a charming, friendly, life of the party type of guy. He is very devious, so much so, that you do not even see it coming.

Mysterious, devious, mischievous, charming, as well as completely and utterly mad. It was the madness that you didn’t quite notice. It was well hidden. Yes, I know, the Cheshire Cat openly admits to being mad, but this one does not. He hides it, yet tells you that you are the crazy one. Sometimes so much so, that you believe you are the one that is completely insane (of course though, I know I’m not completely mad, my mom had me tested).

For me, this was the ex fiance, as well as the JERK.  Perhaps you have your own in your life, or had them. Either way, I’ve learned, and I’m standing up for myself.

Bad Kitty!

Bad Kitty!

Bad Kitty! Bad! Go away Kitty, I don’t need you anymore.