Acceptance and Blessings

So it has been a while. Things have definitely been busy and crazy, but despite the hardships, I feel blessed.

I’ve met the most amazing and caring person. Not to mention incredibly sexy. (He says no, but I disagree. Though when he says the same to me, I say no as well.)  He’s helped me by just being who he is. He knows who he is and is comfortable with who he has become. He accepts me for who I am, this includes my past. He embraces it, stating it has created me into who I am now, and that is who he loves.

Knowing this, and feeling this love and acceptance, I’ve been able to heal. It’s more of a total healing. I’ve been able to accept myself.  I know, who would have thought this would happen. I never did, but it’s amazing. I really am healing. I am finding my true self, and accepting who I am. When I say accepting, I mean it not in a “Oh that’s just who I am type of way, and it won’t change”, no not that, I’m realizing who I am, what makes me, and embracing it.

That’s right. Embracing who I am and what makes me who I am.

I’m also learning to trust. After everything I have gone through, I’m learning trust, something I thought was gone and would never come back. I won’t lie and say it is easy, because it’s not. Not a chance in the world of that being easy. It’s a constant battle. It’s so engrained into me to be negative and to feel that nothing will work out, but I’m learning to trust. My boyfriend is the best thing to happen to me and helping me with trust. I’m experiencing reasons to trust, and then having these feelings reinforced. I’m not going to say I have this down, and I know what I’m doing. I need reminders. I need help.  But here’s the point, I’m learning and building. I have a reason to trust. Everyone else in my life has shown me that trust is something that cannot be had, now, I know differently.

Kind of nice isn’t it?

Oh… I’ve changed a bit.  There are some pink chunks to my hair, and I now have my symbol on my wrists. My sparrows are with  me where I can see them always. My strength. They’re there whenever I need a reminder. I’m here, and I’m standing stronger. Little by little.

 

A little pink...

A little pink…

My strength, my reminders, my symbols.

My strength, my reminders, my symbols.

Where have I been?

I’m alive, but writing is going to be slow for a while. I have become homeless as of recently, and am staying with some friends. Thank God I met these people. They’re a gift to me. I swear. I do not know how to repay them. Except for cooking. Come on, guys… food. No brainer, but I love to cook, and it makes me feel like I’m contributing.

I’ve been looking at some apartments, and have some more to see this week. I’m hoping to have a new home soon. I cannot keep crashing with these two when I care about them, and feel as if I’m invading their land. Of course movies, video games, and just randomness every night is a lot of fun.

People are placed before you for reasons you don’t know of. I found one of the reasons they were placed before me, and I am forever thankful.

So don’t worry guys, if you were. I’m alive, just slightly harder to reach. It’s hard to type on a phone, and much easier to jot off emails on the phone than posts. I have so much to catch up on, so forgive me if I haven’t responded. I’ll be getting to them, just will take a bit.

Work in Progress

Life is a work in progress. My life is a work in progress. It really is, and it’s only taken me these past almost 30 years to figure that out. Though to be honest, I haven’t worried about it as a child, just more of when the “Incident/Event” happened.  I never worried about how I was feeling before, or what I was doing, or how I would make things better. I had a happy-ish, carefree attitude and personality.  It’s just how I was, and how I would like to be again.

When I was raped, I lost all sense of who I was. I didn’t know up from down. I was in this world I had created that I felt was a bubble to protect me. Being raped took away who I was.  I no longer trusted anyone. I felt worthless, alone, unwanted, unloved, unneeded, trash.  So why not protect myself and put myself away from everyone else so that I wouldn’t feel this.  Protect myself from the world and the horrors it has thrown at me. So why not cut myself off from everything and turn into myself and resort to the world of depression, self mutilation, and suicide that I did. After all, it was not as if anyone cared, how could they I thought anyways. I viewed myself as worthless and unwanted, unable to be loved, unable for anyone to care about me after what had happened. I even had someone tell me it was my fault, that I was asking for it to happen. So why not? I was no longer anyone, I was nothing, and treated myself that way.

Something happened though. I started to see a way out. It started after my first round of therapy and medications. I started to feel a bit better. I fell in love, was engaged to be married, and then it all fell away from me. He was a liar, mentally and verbally abusive.  He put on a front that took me 4 years to see through. I thought it was ok to love, and give my heart away again. It wasn’t. Far from it.  So while I didn’t fall into the hole that I was in before, I fell a bit, and it was a slow decline into depression, but I got there eventually again.  (Let me clarify, I do have depression to start with, the kind where there is a chemical imbalance in my make up, so there is always a need for medication.) This was seemed to be there for the long run. It was not going to leave, and was still there when I met the JERK.

The JERK was a pretender as well ( I seem to have a great talent for attracting these types). He started off as the opposite of the ex, and then it happened. He took on the same persona as him. I never should have opened up and shared my past and trusted him to accept. After that it was all down hill. I’ve gone into details before andveould rather not dwell on it again, but I’ll just say he said I deserved the rape. After that things escalated and I still am lugging that baggage of him around.

It was after this that I’ve really started to look at me. Who I use to be, how I acted, how I thought, even how I looked, and decided that’s where I want to be again. I don’t know if I will ever be there again, but guess what? I’m working on it, and according to a friend, I’m getting there. I’m seeking help to put the past wherein it belongs, treating the PTSD, changing environments. My friend told me that he can see it’s helping. How? He told me I’m more of my silly self I use to be. It is a start.

I will always be working on trying to overcome my past, but that past will help me become stronger. It has shown me the depths of vile and cruelty that the world has to offer, and whilst I have not usually, if rarely, ever chosen the easy ways, I’ve survived. I am still here. I’m working on reaching goals, of becoming who I was. Who knows, maybe I will reach it, but until then, I am my own work in progress and for now, I’m content with that.

Eureeka!

I know.

I know.

So thoughts hit me today. Not huge ones, but a few little ones. I know, I know, me thinking, it’s a miracle, and for them to be not so depressive, even more of one. Sometimes, it happens.

So I went to the movies yesterday. I was being sociable. (I know another shocker.) It was some kids and some other people around my age. I noticed that I was able to have a conversation that went on all night, even giggling at parts in the movie,  or commenting on parts we liked (Hello, DB5 ❤ ).  I mean actual long conversations with out any awkward parts. I am capable of this. Of course, to those that were not involved and only catching parts would have been lost. We went from discussing Star Wars, to Tolkien, then the different James Bonds that we liked and didn’t like, to Princess Bride, and then MMOS. Unless you knew and could keep up, it probably sounded odd. Ok, I am odd and a geek, but it’s me. The point is, that I had a normal conversation with two guys. And it was ok.

I also noticed, that I was able to have these conversations with the JERK hanging around. Yes, unfortunately he was there, and was not making things easy. Why you ask? That I’m not really sure, but maybe he was jealous, or maybe that’s just his nature. I was being kind (for as cynical as I view the world, I was taught to be nice and include others, also I have being excluded, so it goes against my nature to do the same) and tried to include him in our conversations.  I asked him about star wars and if he liked the movies. Big mistake. He put the movies down and then said he didn’t need them because he lived through a war. Ok, yes, we all get it, you’re originally from a war torn country, but enough already, not all conversations need to be around you. In fact, stop it. It’s like all children are taught, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. The nice thing, one of my friends put him down, and into his place. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. It was nice.

One other thing I noticed, I could enjoy myself a little, and not feel bad about it. I was able to interact with people. I was able to try and be nice to the JERK, and I was able to feel good.  I was trying to be normal. Ok, not normal normal, but Lindsay normal. That’s a bit thing. I haven’t been me normal in the longest time. I want to be that again. I really do. I know it’s a work in progress, heck, I AM a work in progress. I’ll never be done, but I’m getting there. Well getting to a point where I might be happy with myself. A rare feat, but one I’m aiming for. A miracle I tell you. A miracle!

A one way ticket out of my life

Can’t you just go somewhere on vacation?
I could book your flight
And pack your bags
If you want
A one way ticket out of my life
Watching you fly away
I never liked you
I never wanted you
I never liked you
I never wanted you, whoa

Simple Plan – Vacation

I think is so appropriate for the last post I wrote. And yesterday had me saying it and singing it very loudly. Why, you ask? Because the.. well I have thought of a good name for him, but I will probably by the end of this post. Anywho, he decided to try and talk to me last night. Decided he needed “help” and my automatic response ( I’ve been practicing it over and over again) was no. And the texts suddenly stopped. Just like that. I didn’t get anything that said hi, just “I don’t feel good, I need your help” was how it started. It felt good to have him just stop talking.  It felt good to just say “No”.

After ranting about him the other day, I sat thinking about how I feel when he treats me this way. I feel used, disposable, worthless, and extremely unloved and unwanted. It makes it hard to look in the mirror. How can I look at myself when I know all I’ll see is a shell of someone. I’m not filled in. Just need to bust out the markers and do some coloring and shading. It’s going to be a project. But you have to start somewhere. So I sat there for awhile telling myself that he doesn’t love me, he is not a friend, I don’t feel good when he treats me the way he does. I don’t like being degraded at any moment because I will not jump at his bidding.

It’s a start. Not much, but a start. It’s better to feel alone, than to feel the way he makes me feel. If this is how people treat friends, then I’ll pass. I am better off on my own then. I would like to have others in my life, but not at the expense of constantly feeling unwanted, unloved, worthless, and disposable. I do not think anyone wants to feel that way. I’m not completely sane in my thinkings, but if someone does like feeling like that, I have the numbers of some good therapists and psychiatrists.

My thinking tells me that it is hard to give up on someone completely. Perhaps that is why I keep trying to keep a door open to that friendship, but maybe it’s time to finally close the door, lock it, place the key on the table, and drink the bottle that says “Drink Me.” See what adventure it takes me on. Who knows, maybe it will color some of me in. Maybe I’ll fill in some of the outline.

 

What it’s like for me

Anger.  Frustration.  Sadness.  Lost.  Loneliness.  Misery.  High.  Low.  Darkness.  Helpless.  Isolated.  Anxious.  Happy.  Hyper.  Sleepy.  Wide Awake.  Unable to sit still.  Inability to concentrate.  Able to accomplish everything.  Planner of all.  Super Woman. The Villain.

 

What are those?  Those would be my feelings with depression. It is how I would describe how I feel, well most of the time. Other times I cannot tell what I feel, they’re indescribable. Not everyone feels feels the same things. Each person is different, thus why they’re mine. Some people are in solid blackness, others are in highs and lows so quick that they’ve been in and out of them before you blink. For myself, I can go from high to low with no in between, but not in a manic sort of way. Something triggers me, and then I’m there.

What are some triggers? Feeling as if I have lost someone. Too much emotional trauma (this one is hard to explain, but it’s more of when I have shut off my emotions so I can keep going, and they all suddenly come crashing back down onto me, and that means an overload).  Flashbacks from my “event”.  Bullying (whether it’s from family, so-called friends, employers, or fellow employees).  People always telling me that my depression is in my head, it’s made up, or that I should just get over it.  If it is grey and/or raining for too many days in a row. These are only a few, but they’re the main ones, at least to/for me.

Each person is different and unique. Just as we are all individuals, so are the depressions and mental problems we all deal with. They’re as unique as we are. They come and go as they please. They act in the manners that they see fit. None are cookie cutter versions of the others. (Why do people say cookie cutter copies anyways? Have you ever noticed that no 2 cookies are exactly alike?) Ok, a better phrase, carbon copies. Yes, no one person’s depression is like anothers. They’re not carbon copies, so they shouldn’t be treated as if they are. They affect their hosts differently and so each symbiont shall be treated as the individuals that they are. (Ok, why do I call it a symbiont? Because while it might seem that it could be more parasitic, if managed, I feel that we benefit from each other, not deter or destroy the other.)

What plan of action do I use to help my symbiont? That’s easy. I am a good host and use different methods. I have therapy for the depression, and counseling for my “event”.  Then I have medications to take as well, thus making sure that the depression does not take over, and that it only lives with me, but not for me. I also “self medicate” by finding things I like to do, and then (here’s the kicker) doing them.  Not punking out and taking the easy way and telling myself I’ll do them, but to actually doing them.  Also, despite my insecurity and not being as big on people, I try to do something sociable once every 2 weeks. That’s a big goal for me because I really “enjoy” (because I don’t think anyone really does) being by myself.  And I try to find something each day to make me smile, or get it to stretch to a grin.

How does depression affect you? What does it feel like? What do you do to help yourself and your symbiont?

Stormy Seas

That seems to fit me. Stormy seas. But I think that this can describe anyone’s life. No one has that easy going life where everything goes according to plan. No one is perfect, and life is unexpected. We all have ups and downs, where we are tossed around and thrown about. It’s all about how you ride out the storms. At least I think. Can you survive?

To me, I like to think that I’m staying the course in these stormy seas. Who wouldn’t though?   Yes, nothing seems to be going right most of the time for me, but I haven’t given up yet (well in a while, but let’s not talk about that today, I’m trying to stay positive.)  THINK POSITIVE PEOPLE! (or just me).  So let’s start this paragraph a new.

Yes, I feel as if in this Topsy-Turvy, storm laden, watery world that we live in, I’m staying the course. I might get blown of course on and off, but  that will happen. Why you ask? Because storms have powerful winds, strong currents, and sometimes there are clouds covering the sun, stars, and moon, making it harder to navigate your ship. But guess what? You can always right your course, and get back on track to where you are going. You can always trim the sails, or whatever else you do to slow down and speed up, depending on your situation. Sometimes life doesn’t need to move at a fast clip, you need to slow down and make sure that you’re on course and going correctly, otherwise, SOL. Basically.

So for me, I’m Steady As She Goes. I’ll get there, with a few or more bumps and bruises, and hopefully no sunken ships. I might need to make repairs, oh wait! I already am. Pick up some supplies and such upon the way, but I”m planning on keeping steady course, steadfast and unmovable from my course. Giddy Up!

These are a few

Of My Favorite Things!

Ok so the song was in my head for some random reason that I have yet to come across, but then that’s how most of my mind is. I pity the person that tries to understand, or make sense of it because it’s a giant maze of puzzles. Anyways, that song had me thinking, I need to spend a few moments being positive. That moment is now and I chose to spend that moment talking about what has made me happy in the past few days. Something to think of other than what’s been pulling me into this black hole of depression. So let’s get going!

Tea Time!

Tea.  My happy relaxer. I love teas, but mainly black teas. Irish and English Breakfast, Black Dragon, and even other random ones. So when I feel I’m beyond anxious, or like the past week, a headache/migraine that won’t go away, I pull out my caffeine molecule mug, my Death Star Tea Infuser and let the brewing start. Something about it is the best feeling to come over me, you can almost feel the worst part of the day or moment falling away.

Music. I love music. And I always end up finding songs that fit whatever I am feeling or seem to be going through at the moment. (Multiple pieces of evidence in previous posts.) Today I heard Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine. It was what I was starting to feel as I decided to start this post. How could you not agree with this?

                                                   ” Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink “

And…

“Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that”

How could you not relate to that? Yes, I have not been feeling happy, still not there, but today I made my tea, sat down and had a sip, and was like “Wow. Everything feels a little better now.” And then the song started, and it all just fit together. I grinned. Can you believe it!? I actually grinned today, and it was forced or faked for a customer. Where did that come from?

Art. Art lets me be myself without anyone telling I cannot be who I am. Granted I have not had as much time to devote to my art work as I want lately, but guess what? It still relaxes me. I get itches I cannot scratch unless I can put ideas down on paper. When I start on a sketch or drawing I can lose myself. I can go into my own rabbit hole of creativity and let loose and be who I am and express myself and not have a worry in the world, except if my pencil broke, or I cannot find my eraser. That always annoys me. Means I have to stop and grumble to myself until I find it.

My pets. Yes, they make me feel so much better. I wrote about the one, my hero. He is the sweetest of the animals, but the other 2 are close behind him. I have a chinchilla named Finneghan, yes, he is from South America and has an Irish name, but Finn fits him. So much personality. Again a rescue animal with quirks. One, he is blind in one eye, but doesn’t let him slow down at all. High strung and energy for days. He gets his freedom each night to run around, and he chooses to spend that time with the black dog. They get along swimmingly. The lone ranger of that group is the other dog. Independent beyond your imagination and the jealous attention hog, but sweet when she wants to be. No matter how I’m feeling, they can make me feel calmer and feel like the weight of the world is gone for those few moments of playing with them, or telling them about my day, both the highs and lows, and sometimes I’ll reread what I’m posting to them to see if they agree. Ok, sometimes it seems like they do, DON’T JUDGE! They’re semi good critics. They let me know if they do not agree. (BTW, in case you are wondering, I got 2 tail wags, and one piece of food flung at me, Finn disagrees.)

Books! How can one not feel good with a book. By far my two favorite books lately have been (besides Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass because they’re always number one.) are Ready Player One by Ernest Cline (Highly recommend for anyone that plays video games, knows the 80’s, and is into science fiction.) and the second one is Princess Bride (because hello, the books are always better than the movies, it’s true, I have a shirt that says so, also I think I read it on the internet and we all know that it must be true then.) Seriously though, everytime I open a book, or fire up the Kindle, I’m taken to another land, meet new people, see new problems, or find new ways to look at things. It’s the best. It makes me forget about my problems, or shows me a way to deal with my problems.

Ok, one more guys, then I’ll have to let you relax for a little, and tell me what your favorite things are, especially for trying to make yourself feel better.

Walking. You’d never think of it, but it is. I will see it as a chore until I do it. Once I do go for a walk, I see how happy the dogs are, and then I feel better.  Again, a calmness comes over me. You never realize it, but it does something to a person that just makes you feel good and feel alive. It’s just a happiness that doesn’t really have a reason to exist, but lets you feel free. It just does.

So what makes you happy? Or calm? What are your favorite things?

Self discovery, it’s a long bumpy road to recovery.

Moving Forward. Something that I’ve been trying to do for a while now. And I’ll admit, it takes a lot to convince me that I need to do that. To put the past behind me. To try and realize that it has been holding me back. Yes I have depression, and I’ve had things happen to me that have also held me back, but here is something that I am only just starting to realize; depression doesn’t define me, it’s just part of what makes me up, as well as the past incidents. They happened, they ruled me and directed me up until now. Why until now?  That one is easy.  I let them.

How can one let something rule them, or direct them? Simple. Fear. Yes, fear. I was and sometimes, ok most of the times still, in fear of change. Afraid of the stigma that people attach to those that have depression, and to those that have been sexually assaulted. It’s almost as if you have a stench that everyone wants to stand downwind from you, or ostracize you. Why would I want to put it out there of what I have been through, or what affects me everyday, to have people treat me as if I’m a carrier of the Black Plague. No thank you. So because of that, I kept everything to myself. What happened to me, how I felt, what the aftermath of going through everything was doing to me. I never let anyone know. And I even kept it away from myself. Amazing what some determination can do. You can completely cut yourself off from feeling anything.

I’ve decided though that I do not want fear to rule me. I don’t want what I’ve gone through to define who I am, just that it’s part of the reason for the path that I am on. No, I’m not contradicting myself, far from it. I’m trying to figure out who I am. I sit down at least once a day and try to self examine, and no not that kind of examining ( you bunch of pervs 😛 ), but a mental one. After a couple of months of trying to figure out where I am in life, what I am all about, who I am, I was not getting too far along. I’ve been lost, still am, but I decided on one thing. What was I like before the fears, depression, anxiety, and the aftermath of the assault. I started focusing on that. What did I learn?

What I look at every day on my phone to remind me who I am and who I want to be.

I’m artistic in a few ways.

I don’t conform to society’s standards of “normal”(what actually is normal anyways?)

I love Sci-Fi.

I’m a geek.

I am definitely quirky.

I an average and never had strong self esteem, but I like to be who I am.

I love caffeine! (not all forms though. In a family of coffee addicts, I’m the lone wolf that loves tea.)

My brain has never been wired the way others have. It doesn’t take much for me to come up with goofy and zany stories to a single picture, or random comments. (I’ve been suffering from a migraine this week, and let all know that I’m dying from the Black Plague, much worse than Man Flu. Also that might help explain how nothing seems coherent today, or most days, and that leads to the next point…)

My attention span = Squirrel and shiny objects. It doesn’t last very long at all.

I like who I am, (or in this case of self discovery, Who I was.)

This is who I want to be again. This is what I’ve decided. I will be that person again. I am to a point, but it’s as if I reach a point where I cannot fully spread my quirky wings and let loose. I will. One day I will be able to feel as if I never lost me, and I will once again be me, and not quite Alice.

Duh.

Insecurity

Not confident or assured; uncertain or anxious.

 

I know that it is me to a T. (What does that really mean? “Fits me to a T.”  I’ll have to look that up later.) Anyways. I was thinking about this the other day. Why? You can thank The Fray for this one. Their song You Found Me was on in my car coming home from work yesterday and the chorus is:

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin’ on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

So that got me thinking, and again relating to a song. Not the part about God, but the part about how I felt no one was there for me for a while. I’ve felt so lost in my life, unable to find me (as I talked about yesterday, being Not Quite Alice). I’ve been working on that, but only after I started to open up to a few people. (And that’s not talking about therapists and counselors.) I have not known who I am, or where I belong. Each day was like a fog. Literally. I could barely make it through each day. I was lost.

But what about insecurity? That’s in the lyrics too.  As I said yesterday, I have next to no self esteem.  I have been bullied my entire life. It wasn’t just at school or work either. I grew up, and still am if I’m being honest (after all, 30 is not that old at all), with a sister, that for some reason never liked me. I was born, that was her problem. But growing up in the same house with her, was my own little nightmare for most of it. She made sure to always be putting me down, making me feel as if I wasn’t good enough to be breathing, and making sure to tell anyone we knew how I was not deserving of anything, or what all of my faults, real or imagined, were. Fun times I tell you. So I had that at home, at school, and as I got older and started working, work as well. I think some of it was because I just expected it. It’s how I was always treated, so I allowed it to happen.  But this is where my insecurity started.

So what happened? As the song said, I was lying on the floor, lost and insecure. I didn’t have anyone to help me or to turn to. I cut myself off from everyone, including myself. I started to harm myself trying to find me again. When that didn’t work, I tried to just end it all. And still that didn’t work, but it woke me up. It let me be found, and let me get help. I was found. I’m still feeling lost and insecure, but I’m slowing finding a way. It all started after I was shown that there are some people out there for me, and found me, albeit it seemed late to me, but was because I wasn’t willing to open up or trust anyone.

Who else is out there to find me?  Can I help anyone find them?