And it hit me like a brick wall…

Lyrics are powerful. Songs tell the stories that describe our lives that we are having a hard time putting into words. The feelings that are welling up inside of us, the songs and lyrics express them.

I’m not great with my emotions, they elude me, I’m confused by them, and react with delays, give you the wrong emotion for a situation, but songs, oh my goodness, they are me. I can automatically associate correct feelings with songs. It’s easier for me to use them to express what I am feeling. I like to use them a lot, or portions of them, to tell my stories.

Today is one of those days. I’ve been trying to get JERK out of my life. It’s seemed like a losing battle. Just when I thought he was out of my life, he popped back up. I’ve been fighting/ignoring him for the past 2 weeks. Finally, the other day, I decided to tell him we’re not getting back together. No, this is not going to work.  No, there isn’t someone else.  We’ve tried a few times, it didn’t work, it’s not going to magically work this time. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t respect me, and will not accept my past. Then he throws at me, that he knows I’m with someone else. Had to laugh. Really did. The only person I’m seeing regularly is my counselor.  He doesn’t need to know if I like, have feelings for, or am seeing someone else.  We’re not together, it’s none of his business.

I finally feel like moving on. Saying goodbye.

Something hit me today at work listening to my music. My theme for the day. Hinder’s Without You.  It is fitting. When we first broke up, or shall I say, he left me, I didn’t know how I was going to go on. Despite everything, I was convinced he was the only guy for me. Yes I know, I wasn’t very bright, but I’m learning. Anyways. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and felt empty. I figured no one else was going to want me. If he didn’t want me, no one would. All I knew, was I wanted to be alone, by myself, with the feelings of not being alive.

Then something happened. I realized that without him, I was living. I was alive. I was me.

Amazing isn’t it? I thought I needed him to be alive, yet without him, I was finally living.  Him leaving me was the best thing to have happened to me. I’m finally alive and living. Well more so than before. I’m getting there to a better spot. I’ll make it. And until that time, I have my song to remind me. Maybe it will give you strength, or strike a cord with you that resonates throughout your being.

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all I do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper
Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

I called you up cause it’s been long enough
And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up
We were never meant to be together
Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
and it’s taking its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you
I live it up a little more every day
Without you
I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine
Without you

Without you

Without you

Without you

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather

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15 thoughts on “And it hit me like a brick wall…

  1. For what’s it’s worth, I’ll never leave you or be a jerk to you, my lovely friend.
    Smal consolation, I know…. but it’s something, right?

  2. Pingback: Week in Music – 3/29/13 | My Rabbit Hole Trips

  3. Love those lyrics. And yes, keep on keeping on and leaving the past behind, so you can be the best Alice you possibly can be, the Alice who’s always been there inside you and is shouting to get out!

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