It’s not what you think…

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Antisocial personality disorder is a mental health condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. This behavior is often criminal.

Not what you were expecting were you? I know I wasn’t. Antisocial to me was always the person off by themselves, refusing to be part of life.  Ok, I admit, I have referred to myself as being antisocial. I would rather read a book, play video games, work on art projects, just be by myself. It was easier. I knew what I wanted, I knew what makes me happy. It’s what I wanted.  Apparently I was wrong though. It seems that antisocial is a behaviour personality disorder.

Interesting.

What makes this seem more interesting though, is that the definition, states that this person is a master at manipulating, exploiting, and/or violating rights of others. In other words, this person is great at being social. He’s a chameleon. You do not really see him coming. You always look out for those that are “antisocial” (def: unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people.)  as the ones to look out for, the ones that are on going to be on the most wanted charts.  Wrong, this whole time, we are looking for the one in the crowds and groups. That’s what you need to look out for.

What though makes this person so “evil”?

 A person with antisocial personality disorder may:

  • Be able to act witty and charming

  • Be good at flattery and manipulating other people’s emotions

  • Break the law repeatedly

  • Disregard the safety of self and others

  • Have problems with substance abuse

  • Lie, steal, and fight often

  • Not show guilt or remorse

  • Often be angry or arrogant

Those first 2 scare the ever loving crap that is just waiting to come out of me, out. ( Whoops! It just happened. ) It’s those first 2 that blind you to everything else. Everything else stays hidden until it’s too late, until the damage has already been done. Usually, this damage is not something little, and the hardest thing to recover from, if you can at all.

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This personality disorder was brought to my attention in my therapy/counseling sessions for my PTSD from the rape. I’ve been having the hardest time wrapping my head around the fact that someone that I trusted, and seemed safe, could do something so vile to me. In my head (which I will tell you is still rather warped from this experience and ones after it… I’ve only had 3 serious relationships, and they’ve all gone very poorly) I keep thinking that this was my fault, I must have wanted this, must have given off signs that this was ok.  I never thought this would have happened. So my counselor is trying to help me figure this out. We look at everything as if it was a court case, and need to have evidence to prove a thought. Her evidence this week, was an antisocial person. You can trust them, they’re the most charming person you will meet, they seem honest, they seem safe, but then they surprise you.

I was surprised, majorly.

It’s also making me think differently. Maybe it wasn’t my fault, of course I still berate myself with the “I should have known” or “why didn’t I see it?” It is a work in progress, but I now know a little piece of evidence. That perhaps it wasn’t my fault.

I seem to have a knack at finding guys like that, but I’m hoping to change it. I want to change it.

That’s my plan.

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19 thoughts on “It’s not what you think…

  1. Being able to recognize it is the first step. I admit I’ve gotten to the point that if someone comes on so charming, telling me how beautiful or fabulous I am (when they haven’t gotten to learn just how fab I am yet) to step back a second. It’s not that I don’t think I am a good person, but why does this person supposedly think so? Sometimes I’m wrong, and it’s a genuinely good person. But other times, I’m right, and I’m glad I took that step back. I had someone do that flattery bit to me on facebook once, and I fell for it, and then here come the true colors. The fakeness is yet another reason I stepped back from that bit of social media, but you can find it anywhere.

    It’s Christian Grey (cue Alice’s broken record) peeps, the one we are supposed to see as our romantic hero, a part of our current rape culture. I think you’ll be okay, Alice, because you know the cues now, and if you’re confused, talk about it with someone who cares.

  2. Eeesh. I have waaaay to much experience with APD. Monster #2 was a textbook case.

    Stop berating yourself. It is not and never was your fault. Monsters prey. That’s what they do and that type of monster is the most insidious because they are capable of making you like them. Chin up, sister. Hugs.

    • Thanks lovie. I’m working on it, though its the hardest thing. My brain is wired to keep repeating just the opposite. I feel bad after I make a statement and the counselor just gives me this look that screams wtf, why did you say that. Though she has realized I deal in facts and have a scientific look/ logic to things. This why we look at everything as if its trial now. Starting to help.

  3. Well, doesn’t this just define the donkey in my life. He is everything you described here. Yuck. Now I need a shower.
    But really, we shouldn’t blame ourselves any more than we would for a car accident. All we were doing was driving along, and BAM!, sideswiped by a shit-for-brains evil being.

  4. That’s a good plan.

    Reading that list, I can (worryingly) apply some of those points to some of my friends. Well, accquaintences, now, really, as they’ve not bothered to keep in touch with me since I moved.

    I’m glad you and your therapist have found ways to make things work for you, too.

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