The Road to Me

Again today, I’m wearing my Clash Tshirt. I was venturing into the public, and wanted to show everyone I’m wearing it again. They don’t know it’s been a while, or what it means, but I did. It felt good. I went to my favorite tea store, and found some new teas to try. Last time it was some flavored oolong teas, today it was flavored green teas. Everyone needs to try something new after all. And teas are healthy for you, and have an awesome effect on me. They are a calming agent, and no, they have lots of caffeine in them. It’s my I buy them.

This lead to a conversation with myself. It was about what do I like, what makes me, no, not the genetics portion, but hobbies, likes, dislikes. Forget the depression and the rape, those are what happened, yes, they play a part of some of your habits, but they’re not you. Forget them for now. You can do it.  They don’t make up who you are, they don’t define who you are. Since they don’t define you, then what would you say does define you. Go ahead, give it a go, write it down. You can think on it, but come back soon with an answer.

I know, I have interesting conversations with myself.

I decided that maybe I was write. So I did take some time to sit down and think up on this. (Ok, I’ll admit some of this came about from a very loving brother who said he is worried about me, told me that I was happiest and seemed so self confident when I wasn’t attached to the laptop playing games, or hiding out in the house, but when I was doing things. So it made me think, which is where my dialog came from I believe. Sometimes it takes a bit for things to work it’s way into reasoning.)

So what does define me? Really define me, not random things, but what would I associate with myself, that makes me happy, and would be so very ME. What makes me happy? What hobbies or passions do you really have that someone would say are you?

Well, after some thinking, here are some things I came up with.

  1. Photography.  It’s been a while, but I’m getting back to it. It makes me happy to try an capture the beauty that is in and around me that others might pass by.
  2. Cooking. And no, not the baking and making of sweet things, but real cooking. I can be extremely agitated and feel that I’m not able to control anything, and as soon as I head into the kitchen to make some food, it’s like I’m in a whole other world. Chopping, seasoning, experimenting, tasting, grilling, broiling, and the like, are my world. You cannot touch me when I’m cooking. I’m invincible.
  3. Writing.  I know it’s been a while since I have sat down and created and wrote out the randomness in my head, but it feels good to do that lately. I’m not talking about the posting/blogging, it’s more of the stories I’m writing about Mummy and Klaus.  They are making me feel better. Like I can do this, I didn’t forget how, and maybe, just maybe I might be good at something.
  4. Shooting at Clay Pigeons.  I never gave it a thought until my brother took me out one day with him, his wife, and a group of his friends, but they taught me how to shoot a shot gun, and I had a blast doing it. And I wasn’t too bad either for a beginner. I liked it. It was fun. Who knew I had some outdoor things I like to do.
  5. Being me.  Sounds different, but I have one person I consider a really good friend that lives where I do, and she’s always telling me SMH or she actually does that when I can see her, but she’s always laughing when she does it. I can be me around her, the crazy in a good way, goofy, creative, inventive person that I was before, and she accepts it. The one time she told me SMH at you, I told her “Yeah, but you love me.” Her reply was “true, and life would be less colorful, I’d probably die of boredom if you weren’t in it.” Made me smile.
  6. Geekery.  I’m content with my geekery. It defines who I am, it’s part of me, and I love it. It’s my knowledge of things that are random and may not mean anything to you, but to me, it’s a new world. I know it’s not really something like a hobby, but it’s still part o me.

That’s actually more than I thought. I’m sure I forgot a few, but I didn’t think I’d even come up with that much. Wow me, you actually knew something! Go figure.

I may have to take some more time to look at this, really evaluate me, and see what it is that constitutes the real me, the one that I keep hidden.

Scary isn't it?

Scary isn’t it?


21 thoughts on “The Road to Me

  1. Pingback: My ups and downs with depression | Stuphblog

  2. On the front page of my site, , I write about this very subject and ask that very question: What defines you? Me? How that very question can be answered in so many different ways. Funny how I stumble upon this post, and find another person who wonders and thinks like I do. I enjoy reading your words. I endulge when I have a few moments because I really like to get each word you write. You will continue to see me around. And, welcome to Tryst, thank you, if you stop by!!! ~Jen

      • Well, I respect and honor you very much for sharing these things. And you write very well. Don’t you feel good when you write about these tings? I do. I find that when I write, I get some of this stuff out of my head and I feel a little better.. Writing has always helped me. Thank you for being brave enough to open up, I am here if you ever want to chit chat.. or if you want to critique my silly writing.. just come see me on Tryst anytime!! ~Jen

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