I wish!

I’ve noticed, or well actually it has been brought to my attention, that I’ve been rather angry lately. Yes, I have been. I cannot help it. I’m trying to, but it’s not really working. So thus I am left to vent.  I’ve been trying to get past the JERK.  It seems every time I am getting past and over him, he tries to step back into my life. This ends up leading to me feeling depressed and angry, frustrated, irritated, well you get the picture. I wish it was as easy as taking the trash to the curb like I just did. Would make my life so much, hmm, how should I phrase this? Less complicated, less emotionally draining, just less. Less of everything that makes me worse.

What I wish to do is run away. Leave all of his mess and baggage behind me. Forget how he made the worst experience of my life that I’ve gone through (thus far, as much as I don’t want to think about anything else that could happen, life is thus, and so you never know) just that much worse. I wish and hope for a moment in time to be happy, free, for that moment, to be able to lay down at the end of the day, and say “This was a good day” that’s all I want. Could it actually happen? Is it possible?

What made me think of this today? Driving home from work my iPod played 3 Doors Down (ok, big surprise there as I’m a bit obsessed with them this week, did you notice?) and Runaway came on. While I do not have anyone special that I feel like running away from everything with, I do feel like the emotions in this song. Come on, I was in rush hour traffic with tears streaking down my face, putting this song on repeat, and making what the frak faces at everyone giving me odd looks. (Ok that last bit is usual occurrence for me. I enjoy doing that, makes them give odd looks for getting caught giving you a weird look) But how can you not feel that when your listening to lyrics that are saying lets run away,  because no matter what as long as it’s good, then forever is never too long.  Don’t you just feel like hopping on a train and never looking back? Just go someplace that you don’t know, and that’s where you will be, see what life you can make.

That’s what I do want to do. Go where no one knows me, or my past history, won’t judge or try to coddle me, and just be me. I’m a bit crazy, I love it that way. I can be me, away from JERK and all the others like him. That’s what I want.

Do you ever think about running away
’cause I was thinkin’ about leavin’ today
We’ll follow forever where our hearts wanna go
Maybe we’ll live somewhere where nobody knows our names
Then things might change for the good

I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever is never too long
Too long, oh no

Do you ever think about not comin’ back
Hoppin’ on a train and we’ll burn up the tracks
We’ll jump off somewhere that we don’t know how to say
Maybe hitch a ride from someone who can tell us the way
To where these things might change for the good

I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever is never too
Where forever is never too long
Not with you right here by me
Maybe, maybe we’ll just see
Where this road will lead for us

I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever is never too
I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever is never too
Forever is never too long

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15 thoughts on “I wish!

  1. To be human is to be beautifully flawed. Allow yourself to be angry and try not so much to feel the need to explain unless you want to. It’s not like you’re lashing out and attacking random strangers, I think you’ve made it quite clear where it’s coming from.

    I relate very much to your last paragraph. In less than a month I have cut my facebook friends from roughly 300 to 54. Once I get on my feet, I am going someplace new. Not too far from my family because I am a baby (youngest in family here), but maybe across the state where no one knows who I am (that’s not very far since I live in FL). I want to start fresh and not be the chick that has “issues” or like this guy the other day in the gym comes up to me, knows my name and can’t say how he knows me. I hate running into people that I used to know.

    Maybe you and I can runaway together. We can go to Italy for like a sabbatical.

    • Lets do it! Start over and not worry… As much.

      I just feel bad about being angry. My whole goal is to be less angry and feel less hatred. But then that’s also what therapy is for. And venting does feel good. Otherwise, I do tend to take it out on random people.

  2. Alice!!!! Running away doesn’t solve everything. But brass knucles to JERK’s face might make you feel better.

  3. Pingback: My ups and downs with depression | Stuphblog

      • Yes.. I’m big on the fresh starts! I do a lot of Buddhist reading and ‘living’ .. I really like the ‘state of mind’ that they help people find through meditations and inner calmness. Being open minded, empathetic and humble is how they life. Forgiving of past and living in present state awareness because that’s really all that matters, the here and now. It’s easy to be judges by our pasts, but the real down to earth people with true kindness in their hearts don’t see the world that way. We are not our mistakes, our spirits are so much more than that. Our spirits are on a constant journey, forward moving, not backwards, and if others don’t see that progression, then they don’t deserve to be on our presence… right! ~ J

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