There’s a song that talks about how there is only a place where I can go and I would like to share it with you. I believe I’ve mentioned it before. But today, I was listening to it, and another meaning came to me.
There have been a few people showing how they’re blogging for mental illness for 2013. I think that it is awesome. The way people experience mental illnesses is as vast as ocean waves. Not one goes to the same place as the one before. Each reacts differently to the experiences that they are put through.
That’s how it is for me. Not one experience is like the last. Oh there are similarities, but no, they’re not the same. There are times where I’m just, how did you put it, oh yes, blue, depressed, down. Other times, I feel as if I’m empty, that a part of me is missing. Sometimes, I feel as if I’m as high as a kite, yet about to fall at any moment. Then there are the times where I feel as if I’m crawling on my hands and knees through hot coals and broken glass because everything hurts, and there is no hope of it ever stopping.
Look at this past week for an example. For most of it, I’ve felt an emptiness. It’s the first time since I confronted and admitted what happened to me that I’ve been by myself in the house for days. Just myself and the dogs. Oh they’re great to be with, they’re keeping me somewhat sane, but it’s not people. I feel a craving for people right now. I do not like being left alone. I was vacuuming in the kitchen today and the light threw my shadow awkwardly. I had a panic attack from the way it caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. I thought someone was in the house with me and I knew no one was home. It took myself 10 minutes to talk myself down and out of that state.
Before that, I was content and happy. I had typed out a story, something I have not done in the longest time. Except for a hacking cough (I was told this is a good sign, it’s removing impurities out of my lungs) and a headache, I feel like I’m over the flu. I decided to do the little bit of cleaning that needs done. Then the shadow struck. At least it was the last bit I needed to clean. My mood quickly vanished and I was hyper vigilant for an hour at least. Still am, but I pacify that by sitting on the couch that looks the door to come in the house. And there’s a baseball bat by the door. I know how to swing it. Don’t get any funny ideas now, ok?
Just like that, it can take one tiny thing to set you off on a mood change. Or one major thing. I never know what will change my outlook. I try to keep a cheerful one, but just ask some people that talk to me regularly, it’s rather hard at times, and I cannot help but see the dire side of everything.
There are some things that help. Artistic and creative things help. If I can focus on something for a bit, I forget what there is that can be bothering me. I can look at the beauty in things, and see a better life. Of course, when I get away from that, it looks like the world is crashing, but for those moments, I don’t see that, just something that I am creating. When my anxiety hits highs, I run for my tea. I know that a little bit of it, smelling or drinking, I can feel some anxiety leave. Not all, but enough to take the sharpest edge off.
Do you know what it’s like to feel that anxiety gripping you? How awful it is when it comes out of nowhere and grabs a hold of you and won’t go away, but keeps building? I get that a lot. It’s almost as if sometimes my body and psyche feed of vibes in the room. It doesn’t have to be mine, but if I sense it, I seem to absorb it. I cannot help it, I’m an anxious person to begin with. Both social and regular anxiety. Supposedly that’s what one of my medications is for.
There’s more, but I have a feeling I have bored you already, so perhaps this is a good place to stop for now.