Oxygen

I needed you like oxygen. I needed you to live and feel, to keep going on. I needed a reason to exist and you were it. You were why I was still able to breathe. In and out, in and out. It was you. You were my oxygen.

You were why I failed. You sucked the life out of me. You made my misery even worse. While you made me feel alive, you imprisoned me. I thought I was alive and free, to find out I was your puppet and you were my master.

Why did you do this to me? You were suppose to be my friend, and my helper. To get me through the times where I was in my darkest hole. Why? Did you want to see me go to the edge, never feeling anything again, and wish to end my life so I could find a way out?

I’m trying to come to terms as to why you did this to me and treated me so. You were my oxygen.  You drove me to a road and a way I didn’t want to go down.  I fought against it. I tried to break free. It was the hardest thing to do. I stopped breathing. I forgot how to.

Addiction. You won. Were you happy? Are you still? You drove me where I never wanted to be. You were suppose to help me through my hardest times. The pain that came with the cutting. it was the most glorious feeling I could have. I felt, I had control. Yet they were quickly taken away from me as the feelings were gone just as quickly. I needed more. I would fight against it, yet would crawl on my knees to get the next fix. You pulled the strings and I danced your jig. Puppet master I bowed to you.

Those strings are gone now. Find someone else to dance for you.  I’m learning how to breathe without you.  How do you feel about that? Do you feel the hurt? Do you feel the agony and loss that I did? Where is your helper? Did you destroy them too?

Cutting, pain, addiction, I’m free for now. I plan to be that way. You were my escape and friend, I could lean upon you, then the roles changed and you became my master, my owner. You changed. You became evil. I’m glad I ran away.

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5 thoughts on “Oxygen

  1. Alice, this is very well written and very powerful. I’m glad you are now free from the evil that was holding you down, and that you’re becoming independent.

      • I’ve bottled myself up as well as cut myself off, I’ve decided to maybe trying living again. Though that comes with sacrifice, acknowledging the past. Something I have not wanted to do.

      • Living in the past can only happen at the expense of the moment. What happened was horrible, but don’t let it keep you from enjoying life.

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