Can you Handle This?

Well apparently life with me is never quite dull. I might think it is, but my actions to those around me are far from it. I feel rather bored today. Actually more than rather, I am bored, I’m like a corpse, ghastly white, glazed look in my eyes, and twitching (ok, so an almost dead corpse… A ZOMBIE! Now I made myself seem cool.)

Anyways, this boredom leads to rather unusual things. I’ve mentioned that my mind is like the BING Search commercials before right? If I haven’t it is, it gets hooked onto a word or phrase and runs with it. Then I also get a word that becomes stuck into my brain and just has to insert itself into every conversation. Lately it is DEBAUCHERY. Such a fun word to say with a more awesome meaning. Takes me back to the Victorian area. Which leads me to steampunk. Oh steampunk, how I love thee and want to live with thee every day! Anyways, try mixing those two things together. I happened to see an old western show on tv today, The Virginian.  Automatically  I start singing the Davy Crockett song, but he just happened to become king of the wild frontier who lived a life of debauchery boozing and whoring it up. Yes, those are the words I used. I thought it fit, while those in the room just stared at me. I shrugged and continued to kill people in Guild Wars 2.

What else happens when I’m bored? I am always twitching, which I’m pretty sure was mentioned before. My leg is a twitch twitch twitching it up. If I try to stop it, the other one starts. If I stop that, then my toon in game starts randomly running and jumping. Which of course is leading me to make up songs. Somehow that lead me to singing the chorus to Behind These Hazel Eyes. Mainly because I was singing the line “Here I am, once again, torn into pieces.” It went really well with myself jumping off of things and starting to attack other players.

So in the midst of all of this writing, I had to take the dogs out. The neighbor happened to be taking their dog out as well, and says hi to the one but not the other. I said he was racist since he didn’t say hi to the black dog and walked away. Also, as I came in was staring at the birds, and started whistling, and they were paying a lot of attention to it. An idea popped into my head, and a rather good one too. Was surprised I hadn’t thought of it yet. I shall teach them to whistle the Emperors March from Star Wars. So I start whistling it, and low and behold, they’re bobbing their heads to it. Dully noted, will continue to convert them to the dark side in trade for their “crack” of honey feeding sticks of seeds.

Anyways, this is how my mind works even when bored. I’m just all over the board, but I haven’t started into debauchery yet, though it’s coming I’m sure. There are bottles of run and whisky staring at me daring me to have some.  I don’t think you’re ready for this thirst, I don’t think you’re ready for this thirst, I don’t think you’re ready for this thirst quencher, cuz my thirst is so redunk a dunk.

Happy Thoughts

So I’ve been on a cleaning binge. Yes, a binge, because I cannot make myself stop. So I’m cleaning and organizing everything right now, which happens to include files on the laptop, desktop, and tablet, and yes, I feel as if I need them all, so back off before I bite you. Bite is worse than my bark I warn you. This cleaning has been brought out by, well I’m not sure, but there have been Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes over the past few days. Yes, changes. As of yesterday morning, I was hired for a full time, big girl job with benefits. A little stress that is removed, but not much yet (yes I can be a pessimist, but when things don’t usually go well for me, I tend to be glass is completely full of AIR! not water.). I’m also trying to chase someone out of my life, OK, OK, not chase, but try and block out this negative person. It’s going to take a lot, but it’s a start. So perhaps, I’m just trying to make my surroundings look like what I want my insides be.

Anyways, back to the cleaning. When I was cleaning up files on my computers,  I found some of my happy thought pictures. I wanted to share them with everyone, if you wanted to look, if not, best stop reading here and go somewhere else.

First up is my favorite random geek attack I saw the other day. It’s from a tattoo parlor near one of my jobs. I was walking past, glanced over, kept walking, then walked backwards and proceeded to drool. How could I not as you will too: SWwINDOWSWwINDOW2

You see, I couldn’t help but have a smile on my face for a while. An entire Star Wars scene set out for me, to make me smile. Of course, I opened the door to the shop, and yelled that they rocked, thanks, and then kept going back to work.

Next were a pair of shoes. Yes another geekgasm was happening with these ones. I absolutely love Harley Quinn, so much that I’ve been making a cosplayHarley of SteamPunk Harley for the next comic con. Anyways, these shoes were on Etsy and I decided I will have to have these.

Who wouldn’t want to have them. Would be great for work too.

The last one is just one that makes me go Aw! It always brings a smile to my face. It’s my two little guys, the dog and the chinchilla. They remind me that it doesn’t matter how different we all are, that we can get along. This is normal for them. They are inseparable from each other. It’s awesome to watch them together. I wish all could be like this, but at least there is hope for our species. friendship

A one way ticket out of my life

Can’t you just go somewhere on vacation?
I could book your flight
And pack your bags
If you want
A one way ticket out of my life
Watching you fly away
I never liked you
I never wanted you
I never liked you
I never wanted you, whoa

Simple Plan – Vacation

I think is so appropriate for the last post I wrote. And yesterday had me saying it and singing it very loudly. Why, you ask? Because the.. well I have thought of a good name for him, but I will probably by the end of this post. Anywho, he decided to try and talk to me last night. Decided he needed “help” and my automatic response ( I’ve been practicing it over and over again) was no. And the texts suddenly stopped. Just like that. I didn’t get anything that said hi, just “I don’t feel good, I need your help” was how it started. It felt good to have him just stop talking.  It felt good to just say “No”.

After ranting about him the other day, I sat thinking about how I feel when he treats me this way. I feel used, disposable, worthless, and extremely unloved and unwanted. It makes it hard to look in the mirror. How can I look at myself when I know all I’ll see is a shell of someone. I’m not filled in. Just need to bust out the markers and do some coloring and shading. It’s going to be a project. But you have to start somewhere. So I sat there for awhile telling myself that he doesn’t love me, he is not a friend, I don’t feel good when he treats me the way he does. I don’t like being degraded at any moment because I will not jump at his bidding.

It’s a start. Not much, but a start. It’s better to feel alone, than to feel the way he makes me feel. If this is how people treat friends, then I’ll pass. I am better off on my own then. I would like to have others in my life, but not at the expense of constantly feeling unwanted, unloved, worthless, and disposable. I do not think anyone wants to feel that way. I’m not completely sane in my thinkings, but if someone does like feeling like that, I have the numbers of some good therapists and psychiatrists.

My thinking tells me that it is hard to give up on someone completely. Perhaps that is why I keep trying to keep a door open to that friendship, but maybe it’s time to finally close the door, lock it, place the key on the table, and drink the bottle that says “Drink Me.” See what adventure it takes me on. Who knows, maybe it will color some of me in. Maybe I’ll fill in some of the outline.

 

I’ve got 99 problems, but being yours is just not one.

I’ve got 99 problems, but being your whipping post (so to speak) is just not one of them.

That’s right, he’s again trying to turn me into his whipping post. I told him I’m done with him. I’m tired of being his friend, and yet if anything goes wrong, I’m the one he attacks. It’s my fault for everything. I have to have this conversation every other week almost. This is just someone that does not listen. How does it not get through his head? I broke up with him because of the way he treated me, and told me that I was asking to be raped, that I had it coming. He felt no sympathy for that at all, in fact, he blamed me for it.

After that, we were being friends (trying to), and if anything went wrong in his life, it became my fault, or it was taken out on me. If I didn’t want to hang out, he would refuse to speak to me for periods of time. Then I would get the guilt trip from him, I don’t care, he doesn’t have many friends in this country, no one understands him, and my favorite that he used the most, I’m not being a good friend. I could only take so much of this anymore, and told him I prefer to not be friends.

Want to know something funny? We also work together. Told you that you would laugh over that one. Go on, get it out. Ok, are you back under control now? I hope so. Thus from us having to work together, we still talk, and for the longest time, he has been friendly, not pulling any of his old stunts at all. Or so I thought. Lately, it has all started again. If I cannot talk to him when he wants to, I get the cold shoulder.  He’s not driving at the moment, so he is constantly asking me for a ride, and if I cannot give him one, I hear how horrible of a friend I am, and then nothing for the longest time.

Today I had visitors and work. He asked me to meet to talk, and I told him I will try, but I cannot promise because I do not know how the day is going to go. When he asked why I didn’t stop by to see him, I told him I didn’t know if I would be able to. So he told me he knew, and then stopped talking, again. I think I will not start talking. I try this how many times though, and he gives me the same lines. Yes, I feel bad, but I need to toughen up. As I said, I have my 99 problems. I don’t want them, but everyone has their own. But I refuse to add him to my problems. I refuse to be his whipping post, the person he takes out all his frustrations and anger out on.

I grace you with my cold shoulder
Whenever I look at you you wish you were dead
I shower you with words made of knives
Whenever I look at you you wish you were dead

Yes yes, I took liberties there. But it fits so much better now.

You hear that? I have 99 problems, but you being a twat ain’t one.

Off with Her Head!

Just when you think things cannot get any worse, Synergy is endangered, we ran out of cookies for the new force recruits, the bat signal seems to be on nonstop, Cobra seems to be around every corner, zombies are on the loose everywhere and I’m out of ammo. Don’t you just hate days like that? Or even weeks? It’s as if that has taken over my life. Oh did I mention that the Misfits challenged the Holograms to another battle? Yes, so I have to prepare for that as well. Great, just great.

With all of that going on, I’m also trying to find paychecks that were never given to me and yet no one seems to know where they are, as well find a job, which always looks promising until after the interviews when you get the rude, I’m not going to call even to say you bombed interviewers. Also, looking at the bank account today noticed that I’m negative with the need to fill up the gas tank. Life, isn’t it grand?

So I need to think of good things. Happy Thoughts! Come on people, happy thoughts, you can do it. Ok, no I can’t today. It’s just not in me. Though this black cherry rum is making up for it. It taste just like candy. There’s something good.

So the mood of the day is “Heads Will Roll”.

Off, off with your head
Dance, dance ’til you’re dead (dead)
Heads will roll
Heads will roll
Heads will roll
On the floor

Literally, I want to see your heads rolling on the floor with the bodies moving, bodies moving, A1 sound and the sound so soothing, just make sure you don’t slip a disk. I will now commence walking around pointing at people yelling “Off with their Heads!” It’s well deserved too let me tell you.

So This Is It…

Boys, this is war – what are we waiting for?
Ok so it’s been like that for the past few days. I start to say something which triggers my brain to get on a new track. Racing thoughts. Are they not fun? It’s like those bing commercials, where someone says something, and the person with them goes off on a random list of search terms. That’s what it is like.
Take yesterday for example. I’m standing in line at the store and someone starts to whistle, so I start a random tune. That tune was similar to the Jurassic Park theme. Then I decide it needs lyrics. So I start singing “It’s a dinosaur, it’s a dinosaur. Holy crap it’s a fricking dinosaur!” The next thing I know, I’m singing a new song, “Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur!” Too bad it wasn’t an awesome story, perfect set up.
Today I was putting on a striped skirt that I have dubbed my pirate skirt. So I was walking around going argh! I was asked why. I said that I was wearing my pirate skirt. Of course this ment I started singing “modern major general” from Pirates of Penzance. This led me to singing Bad Fever by Asteroid Galaxy Tour. The reason? There is a line that says ” I’ve got shivers, you’re my Peter Pan, I’m Tinkerbell going to Neverland.” So this lead to I won’t grow up, then to the Toys’r’Us song then I’m just a kid by Simple Plan.
This is how my mind works. It’s not only that though. My mind constantly has things running and flying through it. At night, I replay every conversation that went on through put the day. I also will have every song and tv show/movie that I saw and heard through the day. Do you know how hard this makes it to accomplish something? Trying to clean and organize is a nightmare, I’m just a kid and life us a nightmare. I start on one thing, and while trying to focus, something else pulls me away, before I know it, I’m reading or taking a walk. Nice. No wonder my room is always half done.