A one way ticket out of my life

Can’t you just go somewhere on vacation?
I could book your flight
And pack your bags
If you want
A one way ticket out of my life
Watching you fly away
I never liked you
I never wanted you
I never liked you
I never wanted you, whoa

Simple Plan – Vacation

I think is so appropriate for the last post I wrote. And yesterday had me saying it and singing it very loudly. Why, you ask? Because the.. well I have thought of a good name for him, but I will probably by the end of this post. Anywho, he decided to try and talk to me last night. Decided he needed “help” and my automatic response ( I’ve been practicing it over and over again) was no. And the texts suddenly stopped. Just like that. I didn’t get anything that said hi, just “I don’t feel good, I need your help” was how it started. It felt good to have him just stop talking.  It felt good to just say “No”.

After ranting about him the other day, I sat thinking about how I feel when he treats me this way. I feel used, disposable, worthless, and extremely unloved and unwanted. It makes it hard to look in the mirror. How can I look at myself when I know all I’ll see is a shell of someone. I’m not filled in. Just need to bust out the markers and do some coloring and shading. It’s going to be a project. But you have to start somewhere. So I sat there for awhile telling myself that he doesn’t love me, he is not a friend, I don’t feel good when he treats me the way he does. I don’t like being degraded at any moment because I will not jump at his bidding.

It’s a start. Not much, but a start. It’s better to feel alone, than to feel the way he makes me feel. If this is how people treat friends, then I’ll pass. I am better off on my own then. I would like to have others in my life, but not at the expense of constantly feeling unwanted, unloved, worthless, and disposable. I do not think anyone wants to feel that way. I’m not completely sane in my thinkings, but if someone does like feeling like that, I have the numbers of some good therapists and psychiatrists.

My thinking tells me that it is hard to give up on someone completely. Perhaps that is why I keep trying to keep a door open to that friendship, but maybe it’s time to finally close the door, lock it, place the key on the table, and drink the bottle that says “Drink Me.” See what adventure it takes me on. Who knows, maybe it will color some of me in. Maybe I’ll fill in some of the outline.

 

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