I got a song for you! Want to hear it? Ok here it goes:
Oh what a Night
Late November back in 20 12
What a very god Awful time for me
As I try not to remember those nights.
Ok, so it’s not really a song, just my own lyrics to a Four Seasons song that is stuck in my head after the night I had. No, It wasn’t a fun type of night either. It was one of my nights full of panic and nightmares. And not just any nightmares might I add. I could handle normal nightmares, but going back through the bits I can remember of what happened to me. I wish I couldn’t remember those bits. Then maybe I could go back to having normal decapitated heads in the sink nightmares. I would prefer those honestly. Those are more fun.
So what’s it like to have these nightmares? Oh I’m so glad you asked and want to know what I go through. That is so kind.
I wake up in a panic from nightmares of me smelling him, seeing flashes of his face, feeling him on me. I can hear him. I wake up every time this happens. It’s not something I can turn on or off. When I try to go back to sleep, I cannot. Last night I didn’t fall asleep until it was almost time to wake up. I felt like I was a child as I fell asleep holding my 80 pound dog like a stuffed animal, and a fleece blanket in the other hand. On top of all of that, I was curled up into the fetal position. Every time my eyes closed, I was panicking all over again.
This is when I feel even more violated. I cannot even escape and try to relax through sleep. I was violated, and now I can keep being violated even whilst I sleep. Sounds fun, doesn’t it? You’re wishing right now you could have this fun experience over and over again, aren’t you? I know you are. You just want to be as awesome as I am. I know it!
PTSD, it’s not a fun thing at all. I only use to think of it as something that happened to soldiers. Now, after going through what I went through, and meeting others, I know that it can happen to anyone, including victims of sexual assault. I want to give all of those suffering from the same things as I am huge hugs. I want them to know I feel for them, I haven’t been through and seen what they have, but I know what it’s like going through and reliving everything over and over again. So I want to hug them, let them know I understand and I’m there for them. Sarcasm and all (who doesn’t have sarcasm as it is as natural as breathing) I am there for them and know what they’re going through.