Yes, something I talked about before but again is on my mind. I guess it is on my mind since my talk with my new counselor. She asked about coping methods. How do I cope with things when I have flashbacks, or feel as if I need to get out of a situation that shifts to me thinking about the “event”. As we discussed this, how I love to calm myself with tea, or read, or try to be by myself, she asked if I had any addictions. This brought up the caffeine addiction (ok, who doesn’t have that though? ). And I said that was it. But was it? Was that really it? I wasn’t sure if caffeine was my only addiction, so I said “No, wait, I actually have one other. I cut. I haven’t done it lately, but they told me (they being my first few therapists and psychiatrists) that cutting and self harming is an addiction.”
She told me that self harming can be a form of coping. I never thought of it that way. I never thought that perhaps cutting to make myself feel, was also a way of coping with that is going on in my life. Then I started to think back on it. Yes, I started to cut myself after the “event”. But there were other times I did that as well. Most recently I did that when I had a friendship that was so hot and cold and black and white, I never knew what way was up and down. There were so many times that I was hurt with that friendship, that I didn’t know what to feel emotionally. I just started cutting. I wanted to feel, and wanted to be in control of something in my life. So guess what? I started again.
I can remember back in high school, that I was self harming, not cutting but harming. If I had a horrible day of being picked on, or a day that seemed nothing went right, I would literally punch myself. Or scratch my skin until I was bleeding, or burn my skin. I’m going to be honest, (like I’m not honest with you) I never even thought of that until lately, and never knew it went back that far. I want to find better ways to cope with my life. I wish I could be “normal” but I do not believe that word exists. I want to be able to feel and be emotional. I want to be me. I want to walk away from this addiction and never look back. But how?
How can I walk away from this?