That’s right people, I’m going to do it. Do what you ask? I’m making a commitment. To what? Hold your horses there ladies and gents and let me tell you a story, well something that happened.
Yesterday I met with a counselor at the rape center and went through the assessment and there were conclusions made. What conclusions? That after 8.5 almost 9 years, I am suffering from PTSD. (more than likely, I have many symptoms, and score highly on the likely charts… btw I had to take an assessment that said I have depression, I could have told you that, Howard could have too. )
So after the assessments were done, I was asked a question “What do you want to accomplish with counseling?” Would you like to know my response? Even if you don’t, I’m going to tell you anyways. “I want to be able to move past this. I want to be able to go to restaurants and eat, or work, and not have panic attacks. I want to be able to live my life, and not have random nightmares, to sleep better, not be paranoid, to regain my concentration. I want to live, and get past and over this. Not forget it, but to just move on.”
Her response? “Good. We are here to help you deal with it, and move on. Not to forget, but to be able to move past.”
So I was asked if I want to go through with the 12 step CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy) sessions (ok, sessions, not steps, but I like saying steps. Like trying to get past an addiction, well it is to help with one of my “coping” methods, the cutting.) Want to know my answer?
“Yes, I want to be able to feel as if I’m living again.” I want to live, and I want to be able to feel as if the sexual assault, and the baggage that has become me from it, are not holding me back from me being me. I don’t want these random flashbacks, nightmares, resulting panic attacks and such to keep coming back. I want to live.
That’s right, I’ve decided to live. I’ve decided to get help and move past this. I’ve wanted to, but now I’m making the commitment and taking the steps, not just in my head, but in this reality that I exist in. I need help. And I was able to ask. That’s right, my name is… well no, not saying, and I was sexually assaulted and have never dealt with it, and I’m asking for help, and seeking it.