What it’s like for me

Anger.  Frustration.  Sadness.  Lost.  Loneliness.  Misery.  High.  Low.  Darkness.  Helpless.  Isolated.  Anxious.  Happy.  Hyper.  Sleepy.  Wide Awake.  Unable to sit still.  Inability to concentrate.  Able to accomplish everything.  Planner of all.  Super Woman. The Villain.


What are those?  Those would be my feelings with depression. It is how I would describe how I feel, well most of the time. Other times I cannot tell what I feel, they’re indescribable. Not everyone feels feels the same things. Each person is different, thus why they’re mine. Some people are in solid blackness, others are in highs and lows so quick that they’ve been in and out of them before you blink. For myself, I can go from high to low with no in between, but not in a manic sort of way. Something triggers me, and then I’m there.

What are some triggers? Feeling as if I have lost someone. Too much emotional trauma (this one is hard to explain, but it’s more of when I have shut off my emotions so I can keep going, and they all suddenly come crashing back down onto me, and that means an overload).  Flashbacks from my “event”.  Bullying (whether it’s from family, so-called friends, employers, or fellow employees).  People always telling me that my depression is in my head, it’s made up, or that I should just get over it.  If it is grey and/or raining for too many days in a row. These are only a few, but they’re the main ones, at least to/for me.

Each person is different and unique. Just as we are all individuals, so are the depressions and mental problems we all deal with. They’re as unique as we are. They come and go as they please. They act in the manners that they see fit. None are cookie cutter versions of the others. (Why do people say cookie cutter copies anyways? Have you ever noticed that no 2 cookies are exactly alike?) Ok, a better phrase, carbon copies. Yes, no one person’s depression is like anothers. They’re not carbon copies, so they shouldn’t be treated as if they are. They affect their hosts differently and so each symbiont shall be treated as the individuals that they are. (Ok, why do I call it a symbiont? Because while it might seem that it could be more parasitic, if managed, I feel that we benefit from each other, not deter or destroy the other.)

What plan of action do I use to help my symbiont? That’s easy. I am a good host and use different methods. I have therapy for the depression, and counseling for my “event”.  Then I have medications to take as well, thus making sure that the depression does not take over, and that it only lives with me, but not for me. I also “self medicate” by finding things I like to do, and then (here’s the kicker) doing them.  Not punking out and taking the easy way and telling myself I’ll do them, but to actually doing them.  Also, despite my insecurity and not being as big on people, I try to do something sociable once every 2 weeks. That’s a big goal for me because I really “enjoy” (because I don’t think anyone really does) being by myself.  And I try to find something each day to make me smile, or get it to stretch to a grin.

How does depression affect you? What does it feel like? What do you do to help yourself and your symbiont?


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