Moving Forward. Something that I’ve been trying to do for a while now. And I’ll admit, it takes a lot to convince me that I need to do that. To put the past behind me. To try and realize that it has been holding me back. Yes I have depression, and I’ve had things happen to me that have also held me back, but here is something that I am only just starting to realize; depression doesn’t define me, it’s just part of what makes me up, as well as the past incidents. They happened, they ruled me and directed me up until now. Why until now? That one is easy. I let them.
How can one let something rule them, or direct them? Simple. Fear. Yes, fear. I was and sometimes, ok most of the times still, in fear of change. Afraid of the stigma that people attach to those that have depression, and to those that have been sexually assaulted. It’s almost as if you have a stench that everyone wants to stand downwind from you, or ostracize you. Why would I want to put it out there of what I have been through, or what affects me everyday, to have people treat me as if I’m a carrier of the Black Plague. No thank you. So because of that, I kept everything to myself. What happened to me, how I felt, what the aftermath of going through everything was doing to me. I never let anyone know. And I even kept it away from myself. Amazing what some determination can do. You can completely cut yourself off from feeling anything.
I’ve decided though that I do not want fear to rule me. I don’t want what I’ve gone through to define who I am, just that it’s part of the reason for the path that I am on. No, I’m not contradicting myself, far from it. I’m trying to figure out who I am. I sit down at least once a day and try to self examine, and no not that kind of examining ( you bunch of pervs 😛 ), but a mental one. After a couple of months of trying to figure out where I am in life, what I am all about, who I am, I was not getting too far along. I’ve been lost, still am, but I decided on one thing. What was I like before the fears, depression, anxiety, and the aftermath of the assault. I started focusing on that. What did I learn?
I’m artistic in a few ways.
I don’t conform to society’s standards of “normal”(what actually is normal anyways?)
I love Sci-Fi.
I’m a geek.
I am definitely quirky.
I an average and never had strong self esteem, but I like to be who I am.
I love caffeine! (not all forms though. In a family of coffee addicts, I’m the lone wolf that loves tea.)
My brain has never been wired the way others have. It doesn’t take much for me to come up with goofy and zany stories to a single picture, or random comments. (I’ve been suffering from a migraine this week, and let all know that I’m dying from the Black Plague, much worse than Man Flu. Also that might help explain how nothing seems coherent today, or most days, and that leads to the next point…)
My attention span = Squirrel and shiny objects. It doesn’t last very long at all.
I like who I am, (or in this case of self discovery, Who I was.)
This is who I want to be again. This is what I’ve decided. I will be that person again. I am to a point, but it’s as if I reach a point where I cannot fully spread my quirky wings and let loose. I will. One day I will be able to feel as if I never lost me, and I will once again be me, and not quite Alice.