Not confident or assured; uncertain or anxious.
I know that it is me to a T. (What does that really mean? “Fits me to a T.” I’ll have to look that up later.) Anyways. I was thinking about this the other day. Why? You can thank The Fray for this one. Their song You Found Me was on in my car coming home from work yesterday and the chorus is:
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin’ on the floor
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
So that got me thinking, and again relating to a song. Not the part about God, but the part about how I felt no one was there for me for a while. I’ve felt so lost in my life, unable to find me (as I talked about yesterday, being Not Quite Alice). I’ve been working on that, but only after I started to open up to a few people. (And that’s not talking about therapists and counselors.) I have not known who I am, or where I belong. Each day was like a fog. Literally. I could barely make it through each day. I was lost.
But what about insecurity? That’s in the lyrics too. As I said yesterday, I have next to no self esteem. I have been bullied my entire life. It wasn’t just at school or work either. I grew up, and still am if I’m being honest (after all, 30 is not that old at all), with a sister, that for some reason never liked me. I was born, that was her problem. But growing up in the same house with her, was my own little nightmare for most of it. She made sure to always be putting me down, making me feel as if I wasn’t good enough to be breathing, and making sure to tell anyone we knew how I was not deserving of anything, or what all of my faults, real or imagined, were. Fun times I tell you. So I had that at home, at school, and as I got older and started working, work as well. I think some of it was because I just expected it. It’s how I was always treated, so I allowed it to happen. But this is where my insecurity started.
So what happened? As the song said, I was lying on the floor, lost and insecure. I didn’t have anyone to help me or to turn to. I cut myself off from everyone, including myself. I started to harm myself trying to find me again. When that didn’t work, I tried to just end it all. And still that didn’t work, but it woke me up. It let me be found, and let me get help. I was found. I’m still feeling lost and insecure, but I’m slowing finding a way. It all started after I was shown that there are some people out there for me, and found me, albeit it seemed late to me, but was because I wasn’t willing to open up or trust anyone.
Who else is out there to find me? Can I help anyone find them?