Not Quite Alice

That’s how I see myself. No my name is not Alice, but that’s how I feel, and how I see myself. I’m not quite me. It’s hard to describe, but lately, I feel as if I’m close to who I want to be, but not there, that something is blocking my way to it. Let’s look at an illustration for clarification purposes.

As we all know, Alice in Wonderland is one of my favorite books, and Alice and the Mad Hatter are my favorite characters. I love Alice, and how she copes in her randomly placed situations, and how she adapts and continues through everything to conquer this unknown world and remain who she is. Now if you’ve seen the 2010 movie with Johnny Depp in it…. sigh… Ok that’s out of my system, I’m good to continue. Anywho, through out the movie, the Caterpillar tells Alice how she is not Alice at the beginning, to being Alice at the end. At one point, he tells her that she is not quite Alice, but she’s close. That’s how I feel. I’ve lost my “muchness”and am not quite Alice, but almost there. How is this

If I’m to describe myself, physical and mental, it would be as follows:

I’m an average looking girl, not great, not horrible, average height and build. I’m not fat, yet not model thin. I’m me. My mind is zany and eccentric. I’m a geek. I love video games, Star Wars, science, computers, and if I could afford to, I’d always be in school because I love learning (hello I read physics books because I like it and find it fascinating.) I’m not normal, but then what is normal. I can be goofy and silly, yet serious. I’m caring and sometimes overly empathic to the point that I hurt more for someone than they do. My mental state. That’s hard, as I normal describe it as close to unstable. Sometimes it is good, other times it is bad. (In case you haven’t noticed my sudden disappearances lately as proof.) I tend to be blunt on some things, and other things, well I don’t know how to talk to a person about. I’m very insecure and do not have a high self esteem at all. It’s a curse that I cannot over come at all. And I was bullied by a family member for most of my life.

But,  the big thing, the one that has affected me the most,  made me feel as if people look down on me, and has shaped most of my viewpoint in life for the past almost 10 years…

I was raped by a person I trusted to take care of me.
So my trust of people is next to nothing, and when I do trust you though, I’m the most loyal person to a fault. Yes a fault. Because I have the best, or worst habit, of trusting so completely that I get hurt by picking the wrong people to trust.

But that’s me. I have a lot to try and shape up to become Alice, but I’ve overcome some, so I’m not quite who I want to be. I have these giant hurdles to overcome, but one day I will.

What have I overcome? Suicide, self harming (for the most part, it is an addiction that I cannot completely shake), complete emotional cutting off of myself (I say complete because I’ve gotten better at it, a bit.), having a few friends (albeit some are in other countries and states and not people I see face to face, but it’s a start), and seeking help when I realized where I’ve gotten to in my  life, such a low point I didn’t know how to get out of.


8 thoughts on “Not Quite Alice

  1. This is my first visit to your blog and your story caught my attention. I was enjoying your description of yourself only to be suddenly hit with the shock of your being raped by someone you trusted. You are exceptionally gifted with sharing and your manner of narration shows it.
    Holding on to such an experience for about ten years must have deprived you of a lot and cost you a lot as well.
    Life goes on, my dear and you can enjoy the flow.
    “Tomorrow will be beautiful if you stop yesterday from distracting you today”.
    You are courageous, beautiful and wise to have endured. I think it’s time to add the faith to enjoy!
    Your words are magnetic; they caught my attention and gripped my heart!
    Enjoy November and beyond!

  2. Pingback: Insecurity | My Rabbit Hole Trips

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