Yes, that’s where I’ve been. In a dark place. I leaped into a hole the other day and I’m not really finding my way out. It’s been one of those weeks for me I guess. After 10 years of suppressing a memory, the incident, I finally told family. And since I never properly dealt with it before, it’s as if I’m reliving it all over again. It’s not a place I want to be, but I’m not finding anything to pull myself back out with.
I am slowly trying to find ways though. I started today. I called the local center and am working on getting counseling for what I’ve never dealt with, just tried to suppress and push away. Guess what? Those are some bad ideas I’ve had. I’ve had quite a few that have lead to some less than stellar moments in my life and trips to the hospital, but I honestly think that these ideas came with the worse consequences for me. I’m still feeling the effects to this day of them, and honestly, I think my life could be better if I would have gone for the help immediately.
But I do have a bright spot, something that actually made me get out of bed today. (Yes, except for work, the past few days I’ve been sleeping or laying around not doing anything. Why? Because I don’t have the strength to get up. I don’t have the know how to push myself forward when all of the sudden I’m feeling 10 years of suppressed emotions and guilt and agony crashing upon me all over again.) What was this bright spot? Last week I took a photo in a store of a quote that was hanging up from Alice in Wonderland(debatable as to whether the movie or the book). I saw it going through my phone today and I’ll admit, I cried. Yes I’m a little overly emotional right now. What was the quote? It was between Alice and the Mad Hatter, whom I’ve mentioned I can relate to quite well. But again, what was it? Well look and see for yourself…
“Do you think I’ve gone round the bend?”
“I’m afraid so. You’re mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”