Songs and Lyrics, Part 2

So I talked before about how a Social Distortion song held a lot of meaning to me, and how I could and still can easily relate to it. There are actually quite a few songs that I can talk about and how they hold significance in my life, so I feel I need to talk about them. Today, I picked I Walk Alone, by Oleander.

It’s been noticed at work how much I like this song. I play it most nights when I start to clean. It opens up saying how he cannot take it anymore and how he can’t heal until he’s stronger. I always feel that way. I feel as if I want to get away from the feelings I have, the pain and sorrow, remorse and regret, the emptiness and loneliness, but I don’t know how. I agree with how I don’t want to be afraid of what people say to me, or how they treat me, I want to be able to turn around and tell a person that I’ve had enough, you cannot treat me and say things to me like they do. What type of things? Things that while you may not see them as being wrong, to me, they’re devastating. They are abusive and hurtful, and are the kind of things that tear apart, not build up. I want to be strong enough to be proud of who I am, to actually know who I am.

When I hear this song, it makes me want to get up, walk away from the people that mistreat and take advantage of me. It makes me want to be better, to know who I am. After all, I’m still trying to figure that out. I want to know me.  It also reminds me, of how with my depression, anxiety, social anxiety, and the mix of all issues that have sprung up to make me who I am, that I’ve had to learn to deal and cope on my own. Well for the most part. There have been a few times that I’ve thought there were supporters, but when one cannot relate, or thinks that there is not really something wrong, well it’s harder to deal with it. So where I am now, it’s all from me. I’ve managed to get this far, but I want to be stronger so I can go further. I want to not feel as if I don’t want to exist, to feel freed from most of my depression (I know that it will always be there, but I just want it to not be so strong, to not be holding me back from life),  I want to feel a sense of peace and calm.  I also want to just exist without trying to hold everything together like a stitched and glued and stapled piece of work that looks pathetic from the attempts to keep it whole.

Anyways. Ramblings over. This song still gives me hope, like Angel’s Wings did. It gives me hope that whilst everything is pretty upside down and I’m still free falling thru the latest Rabbit Hole I’ve found myself in, I can become strong and walk away from what brings me down, and those that do. I can make it, I’ve done ok so far on my own, teaching myself how to cope, well with the help of Howard and some pills, but I’ve made it to here. I was strong enough to admit something wasn’t quite right with me, that what I felt wasn’t normal, and look for help. Ok some of that was doctors putting me into things, but that was after already looking for help. Anyways, I’m getting off course again. While I have been let go before by people, it’s helped me to be stronger. Else who knows if I’d still be here writing this to you.

“I Walk Alone”

I can’t take this anymore
And I’m almost pretty sure
I’ve been here before
I can’t take this any longer
I won’t heal until I’m stronger
Strong enough to not be afraid
Of what anybody thinks
Of what anybody says
About the way
About the way I am
So I’ll wait until the day
When those feelings fade away
Then I’ll make my break

I can’t take this anymore
And I’m almost pretty sure
I’ve been here before
I can’t take this any longer
I won’t heal until I’m stronger
Strong enough to not be afraid
So I leave it up to you
Yeah I leave it in your hands
Respect your wishes and your demands
But if it was up to me
Honey we’d already be back at home
And living out our dreams
Living out

Everybody and everything I’ve known
Never taught me how to stand up on my own
Had to learn it from the one who let me go
Now I walk alone, yeah I walk alone, yeah
Living blissfully

I guess you had to step away
To make me want to be
A bigger man, a bigger man than that
I need you by my side
As I take it all in stride
I put away, I put away my pride
Oh I leave it up to you
Yeah I leave it in your hands
Respect your wishes and your demands
But if it was up to me
Honey we’d already be back at home
And living out?

Everybody and everything I’ve known
Never taught me how to stand up on my own
Had to learn it from the one who let me go
Now I walk alone
Yeah I walk alone, yeah
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk, oh yeah

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