I was reading a post from a fellow blogger, Scott Williams, and it had me thinking, a lot. It was called “Emotional Vampires.”( I do recommend this one.) I felt as if this fit me perfectly. I feel emotionally dead, to a point physically, but completely emotionally dead and drained. My therapist described it as I only know of how to give myself to others, and not save anything for myself. I need to save some me, for me. It’s not selfish to do this, but it’s a form of self preservation. It will keep me sane, well saner than I usually am. Or at least try to.
How do I become drained this way? Well that’s suppose to be discussed in my next session, but there have been some guesses made. I do not know how to say no. To whom? Anyone. If a friend asks for a favor, I cannot refuse them. Work needs me to work extra hours, sure that’s not a problem.
I had one friend, who I walked about before, the one I just finally broke free from. This one only seemed to want to be friends when it was beneficial to them. I never asked for anything back from them, but always gave. I didn’t know how to say no. The more I said yes to this person, the less I started to feel alive. The less I started to feel emotionally. If I didn’t jump when told, then I wasn’t useful. It took a while to finally figure out what was happening. I felt like I was in the wrong when I was told I was, even if I wasn’t. I felt that this was my friend and they wouldn’t hurt me. I didn’t realize that people that were suppose to be friends, or care, could really just turn, in a heart beat and suck me dry, then betray me.
That’s just one instance of that. I’ve realized that even just hearing a good job, or that was done good, would make things a fraction better.