Remorse

Remorse is a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs (yes, that was copied and pasted from Websters dictionary). Have you ever felt that way? Do you feel that way for more than 90% of your day? I do. I’m not sure if it’s from the depression in and of itself, or if it’s in fact from what had happened to trigger the small amount of depression into the full blown, self harming, “I no longer want to live” depression that I battle each day. It’s not just depression either, because it seems that no matter what, anxiety and social anxiety seem to follow. Those three, they’re like the horsemen of the apocalypse. All they’re missing is their good friend, wait never mind, he’s usually about 10 meters behind. Death, because it seems that anymore death is what most seek with depression. I’m hoping I’m past that point, but every day presents new challenges and obstacles that one must over come. Fingers crossed each time I awake.

Anyways, back to remorse, and yes, there is that ADHD squirrel popping up again. What happened to me to make this depression worse, and no I’m still not telling you as I do not seem to know enough about you, seems to make me feel remorse. This is something I’m realizing on my own. I have not talked to my therapist about this yet. Actually there are quite a few things I haven’t told him yet, but he knows more than you. So maybe he is just cooler, or more awesome than you.

Side tracked again. Remorse. Ok, yes that’s where I was. Remorse. I believe that for the most part, it was my fault for what had happened to me, that as one person said, I put myself into that situation, and therefore I was asking for what had happened. I don’t always think that, but as a few people have said it to me, it makes me feel as if it was my fault. So then if that hadn’t of happened, then I wouldn’t be the way I am. Ok, that’s a lie, I wouldn’t be as bad as I am now. Maybe my addiction wouldn’t be as bad. ( that’s for another time and another post, but no, it’s not drugs or alcohol, apparently I was talented enough to discover self harming and then learn it was and is an addiction. Thanks Group Therapy! ) It might even be that I wouldn’t have my addiction or have wanted to choose death over life. But those feelings of remorse, yes they’re there every day. They’re one of my friends. Well more like that person that hangs around and you just cannot seem to shake no matter how many non subtle hints you give them. They’re rather dense in that department. I wish there was something I could do, something to make them go away or lessen, but I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I do know that the friend I said I let go of before, that was one person that was always making me feel even worse. That those feelings increased ten fold with them being around.
And on that note, I have to be up in a few hours, so I’ll let this end here, because I’m rambling and feeling sad right now.

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