Something has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s a topic I have visited before. Victim vs Survivor. I am not sure why it’s started to revisit my mind, but it is there.

Let’s go over the facts. I have been raped and abused. I became pregnant with my rapists baby, and then miscarried.  I cannot sugar coat it. I have reached the point since therapy of being able to say it aloud. I was raped. Does this make me a survivor though, or a victim?

According to a survivor is one who continues to function despite hardships or setbacks whereas a victim is person or who suffers harm or death from another or from some adverse act. So where do I fit in for this?

I’ve gone through years of depression. At my lowest, suicide seemed to be the best and only answer. My only way to feel better.  I no longer felt anything. As my ability to feel became a thing of the past, self-mutilation became a new hobby; an addiction which was the only way I would allow myself to feel anything. I was the one in control of how much and what I was feeling, along with when I was able to feel.  Feeling anything was too painful, making it harder and harder to get through the days without people seeing something was wrong. So I decided to not feel. I pushed all emotions to a place and locked them up tight. I stopped feeling.

With stopping the emotions, I could make it through the day. Then the next day. And the next. Pretty soon I was making it through one week. Then two weeks. Then three. Before I knew it I was making it through one month. Then two months. Then three. Eventually I just didn’t feel and managed to think this was a normal state to be in. I was able to function day to day and no one was the wiser.  If I wanted to feel anything I would, by controlling it myself. I chose when to feel and how. I would self-mutilate. I cut myself. The need to release some emotion decided how deeply or how many. Some left scars. Some did not. It left me in charge of how and when I felt and how deeply I felt.

I eventually went to individual and group therapy. I saw a plethora of psychiatrists. This would help, and I reached a small break through. I was able to stop harming myself (a tiny miracle in my world). I was still unable to feel, but I was no longer hurting myself.

I was always addressing the effects of the rape, though not the rape itself.  I addressed depression; the inability to feel or desire not to.  I was unable to sleep. When I could I had nightmares. I was scared of any real or imagined noises. My own shadow scared me. I remember one time I was vacuuming, and my shadow was cast on the wall behind me. Enough to see it out of the corner of my eye. I had a panic attack. It came to the point that I was unable to work. I was having panic attacks at work, going to work, and after work. I was unable to function. I quit my job. I knew I had to. I needed help.

Up to this point, I was a victim. I allowed what happened to me to dictate how I was. It became who I was. It ruled me. I was a victim and took that title to heart. I was a shadow of myself. I did not even know who I was anymore.

I did seek help. The right kind of help this time. I admitted to myself what had happened. I admitted to a few that were close to me, including my parents, what had happened to me. I made it clear that I didn’t want to be treated differently, but that it’s beyond the point of being able to deal with it alone. I needed help, and not just for depression. I needed help dealing with the trauma and aftereffects of being raped. It was no longer something that I could ignore. It had taken my life over. It had been dictating what I do, how I act, where I go, and I needed it to stop. I needed to be in charge again. I needed to be human.

I went to counseling at the local Rape center.

This was the miracle I was looking for. I slowly started to live again. With each session, I was able to stand up a little straighter. I was not hiding in the corner. I was able to refer to it as “the incident,” then as “the attack,” and finally as “the rape.” I was able to say “rape” without a panic attack. I could reference it without getting sick each time. Eventually, I could talk about it, stating it happened in the past. And a while in the past, not the night before. Slowly my nightmares have subsided. I have had only a few in the past year. I have only had one panic attack recently, but it was in regard to my fear of bridges, not of being attacked. I haven’t had a relapse of cutting in over a year. I’ve replaced the cutting with tattoos instead. I have art to remind me of hope.

Ralph Waldo Emerson Quote

Ralph Waldo Emerson Quote



I have had a smile on my face and a cheerful demeanor lately. I have a functioning and loving relationship with someone who means the world to me. I have a job where I am not having panic attacks every few days. I’m no longer an emotionless zombie. I have feelings and emotions which pour out of me. Sometimes it’s more than it should be, but I’ll take it. I feel as if I’ve become a beautiful person full of love and joy with a little wear and tear, but stronger for it.

Does that make me a victim or a survivor?

I was raped, and I survived. It took me a bit to find my courage and strength, but I found it and fought back for my life. Now I am living.

I’m not a victim, nor am I a survivor. I’m a fighter. I fought for my life, and I have won.




25 Will Never Get Old

Day 25. Wow, we made it to day 25. Today I’m to tell you about a song that I could listen to all day and not get sick of.

This one can be any number of songs. I can listen to a lot of songs and never be tired of them, but today, one particular one comes to mind. I love drum and bass. I can listen to it non stop and not get sick of it. Why? It keeps you moving non stop and makes everything go faster. I’ve listened to it cleaning, painting, sketching, playing video games, and just about anything else. I want to share one of my favorite ones with you to send you off with a bang here.

We Can Dance if 24 Wants To

Day 24 brings us A song that I have dance to with my best friend.

I’ve never had someone I consider a best friend, just good friends, and it is with this people that you can just be yourself, especially if that is silly and goofy. And to this, it means I can be myself, and just dance, in the goofiest ways of course. One of the times I’ve been dancing around, being silly, having a good time, was with Boyfriend. We enjoy doing things like that. And it doesn’t matter where we are either. The one that I’m recalling right now was very random. I was in a terribly silly mood, and as we walked over to the grocery store, proceeded to dance to music in my head the whole way there. Once we reached it, I still continued to dance to the beat of the songs playing, just very silly. Boyfriend would smile and keep shopping. Then one particular song came on, and he joined me dancing. Right in the middle of the aisle, we were dancing like no one else was around. We had a lot of fun. He lets me be me, and then joins me as well.

Not many would see this one coming:

Also, we were dancing to this one randomly whilst working on other things too.

You are Henced Banished 23!

Day 23, a song I cannot stand to listen to.

Well alright then, let’s just get right down to it. This position is actually tied. Same artist, but 2 songs, and so closely named. Are you ready? Can you handle this? I hope so, because here it is…


Funny, It’s Friday as this is being published. I feel like I just trolled people and wished them happy Friday at the same time.

Sing to Me 22

Song of day demand for today is to tell you about a song that was sung to me.

I don’t have people typically sing songs to me. Maybe it’s because of the look I give them when they do. It typically looks like:
jackie-chan-wtf-face-i16I just don’t see a reason to. Though boyfriend will sing as off key as possible sometimes to me, just because he can. I honestly think he just likes the faces I make. One of the songs he sings is by Kaskade. He loves them. This song came on in the car when just started going out, and he started to sing it to me.

My favorite 21

21 is your favorite song. Really? Didn’t we go through this issue before with favorite band? Ugh.


I have too many favorites to say just one is my favorite. Honestly, I love music and songs work with different moods. I”ll share a few that when I think of the word favorite, pop into my head.

Beautiful Scar – Trapt
This song just brings up good thoughts and emotions of me trying to look over my past and move on. Something that is much needed for me.

This comes from one of my favorite bands, Dropkick Murphys. I cannot decide between a few, so I’ll give them both to you. After all, who doesn’t like a song about rats getting drunk on Guinness and well, yeah.

And a love song about dealing with the faults and troubles, with a Celtic twist.

And because I want to keep you on your toes….

The Last 20

First off, I apologize for missing a few posts. I’m catching up here, however I’ve been preoccupied with trying to pack up my apt as I’m moving this weekend.

So day 20, the last song in your iTunes.

Catch22 – 9mm and 3 Piece Suit is what is sitting there for last in my iTunes Library.

But wait! There’s still my Spotify to go thru.  And the winner is…

薔薇と彼女の王子 by Heartsrevolution (Not my fault that characters are last.) Yes, this song is a bit different, but I love their music.


And This 19 Came First

So day 19 and ever so close to the end, brings us to the First song in your iTunes Library Alphabetically.

I’ve been Spotifying it out lately, so let me see which one it is.

On Spotify 16 Dollars by Volbeat wins the award for first. I love Volbeat. They are amazing to me, and this song, to me carries a bit of a Swing/Lindy Hop feeling.

If you look at iTunes, the song to take top billing alphabetically is Able by NEEDTOBREATHE, very different from Volbeat, but they’re pretty awesome in a different way. Kinda an uplifting song, I think so anyways.

I like 18, but Not all the time

Day 18 is to tell about a song I love, but don’t listen to much.

Honestly, I’ve been thinking about this all day and really cannot pick one. I had 12 hours sitting at work to figure one out, and none stuck in my head. One briefly flew by, but it wasn’t a song I love, it was a song that was just played at every party I ever went to, and then at my parent’s 25th anniversary party, when it was played, someone had a heart attack. Yeah that song is not played anymore. (Electric Slide btw, something about that having to show up at every party around here.)

I guess the closest that would come is, Don’t Speak by No Doubt. I love that song, but I’ve been going through a thing lately that in my head they sold out, which I think they did to a point. So I find it hard to listen to most of their music anymore.

Ok, we’ll stick with that. Don’t Speak by No Doubt, as I do love that song, and any song from that album and further back.

Shall We Dance 17?

Day 17 brings us to a song that makes me want to dance.

I’ve been dancing since I could walk. I love to dance, and about 2/3’s the time, it’s actually in rhythm to what is playing. I swear it’s true. I might be white, but somewhere in me is a little bit of dance. So what song is it that I hear and just cannot help but dance to?

I could say any ska music, or swing music, or anything I hear, because it does happen. I love electronic and electroswing as well, but I do love me some classic rock and some 80’s too. So today came to a tie, between a song I would dance to nonstop, and still do whenever I hear it, and one that I recently have been enjoying dancing to, and got Boyfriend into. Are you ready for this? Are you sure about that? Ok, well here it goes.

Tie for makes me want to dance is none other than Caravan Palace’s Suzy, and Kenny Loggings Footloose.

I’m serious. Suzy brings swing back with a new sound. I’ve been into Electro Swing for a while now, and this one got me started on it. It’s amaze balls. Yes, I said amaze balls. Get use to it, Boyfriend tends to rub off on me. I’ve gotten him into this type of music now too. In fact, he does Step Mania tracks, and is making a chart for this song now.

And yes, I said Footloose. I remember watching that movie non stop. I would get up and dance as a child every time the song was on. Would get the family cracking up and of course my sister telling me I cannot dance, so I shouldn’t even try, but then that is how she is. For all intents and purposes, she is the definition of a bitch. The parents agree, though this is digressing. Back to the reasoning with this song. Today, when I hear this song, I still rock out and twice as hard, even if it’s just in the car whilst driving. I know the other drivers envy me and snazzy moves. Of course none will ever compare to the school full of people with the awesome dance moves from a place where dancing was illegal and none should have known how to dance.

And because I couldn’t decide on which version I liked better, this one works good for me.